I’ll have more details on the job later this week and maybe some more concrete plans for what I plan to do with the site. Thanks to all the readers who have commented and sent me emails for the last year and a half. You people are bigger heroes than firefighters and public school teachers combined.

Hurrah.

Ho boy, I cannot remember being this anxious, excited, worried, and simultaneously optimistic and paranoid about a sporting event in my entire life. And I’m not easily rattled. Maybe that’s why I sank two free throws on a one-and-one with 3 seconds left to win the Buffalo Catholic Diocesan Basketball Championship in 8th grade. By the way, if you guys want video of that game, just send me an email. And be sure to clarify if you want the VHS version or the Commemorative DVD with my audio commentary and a behind-the-scenes look at St. Marks’ basketball. You should get that one. It’s only 25 dollars more and comes with my replica signature. That is a deal.

Seriously, I’ve spent the entire week reading every article about the Sabres I can find, listening the sports radio about the Sabres, and basically telling everyone I know how excited I am for the Sabres. And you know what I’ve learned in that time? People in New York don’t give two shits about the NHL in general, let alone the Buffalo Sabres. And they really get sick of hearing me talk about how the Sabres have 4 lines that can score so they’re really tough to match up against. Also, how about Vanek’s improvement?! Hello? Where are you going? Ahhh, there I go again.

Anyway, I think once this first game is out of the way I’ll be able to relax slightly and be able get through the day without horrible stomach aches and trembling hands. Then this site will get back to what it does best. Doling out stupid bullshit. Just you wait!

By the way, I made my Stanley Cup picks for my friend Ritch’s hockey site. You can find them here. I’ll probably be doing some more writing for that site as the playoffs progress, so I’ll try to keep the hockey stuff over there and use this personal site to post more pictures of my abs. I know that’s why you’re coming here, anyway!!!!

On the bright side, the guy whose ass you see in the movie GO! is apparently a Sabres fan. That’s pretty cool. I like William Fichtner. He’s a good character actor and seems like a good guy to watch a game with. Angel, on the other hand, well, I guess he’s okay. The rest of the “celebrity” blogs, and I’m using that word liberally AND putting it in quotes, can be found here.

By the way, Amy Grant, I still haven’t forgiven you.

The next one I remember seeing last spring during the playoffs. This one in particular is my favorite for obvious reasons. Although, I’m sure Anne Altman will like it as well.

And if you’re wondering, yes, that is exactly how people in Buffalo sound. The rest of these videos can be found here. I don’t know why they haven’t made more of these since they’re all great. I’m sure there’s some story behind them I could find, but I’d probably have to go through at least two or three Google results pages and my time is way too fucking precious for that. So if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work on my Optimus Prime costume. The Transformers premier is just months away!

Anyway, since people from Buffalo have a tendency to get a little irrationally optimistic about their sports teams, there’s already talk about whether or not this is the best Sabres team of all time. It is not. Because I was on the greatest Sabres team of all time. But we weren’t called the Sabres. And we didn’t play in the NHL. And instead of playing hockey, we competed by seeing who could sell the most American flags door to door. Aside from that, same thing.

I would ring someone’s doorbell and when they answered I’d yell, “How’d you like to buy an American flag?” If they said no, I’d pretend to ‘drop’ one of the flags on their doorstep. Then I’d tell them that tradition states that if an American flag touches your hearth, you must buy it. Or else you will have 8 years of bad luck. They’d usually buy one after that. Sometimes people would refuse to buy the flags so I’d say I understand, then walk away. Then later I’d come back to their house and throw a flag wrapped around a brick right through their window. That will teach them about patriotism.

Anyhoo, what’s this about? Ah, the Sabres. They are pretty awesome. Any readers of this site are welcome to come over to my apartment to watch all the playoff games and feed me chicken wings and beer while I listen to my arteries clog up and my heart creak along. Stanley Cup Fever, catch it!!!

You may not believe me, but there’s going to come a time in your life very soon when you are going to feel peer pressure to pour a scalding hot cup of joe right down your pants. Maybe it will happen at a party, maybe at diner with an unsupervised Bunn-O-Matic. Maybe it’s already happened to some of you. Don’t do it. You hear me? I know kids your age think it’s real cool to dump hot ass coffee-yeah, I just swore. Deal with it! Hot ass coffee down your trousers. It’s not cool. You think a burned ding-a-ling is cool? ‘Cause that’s what you’re gonna get if you pour that hot coffee down there.

I don’t care if someone dares you to do it. I don’t care if you think it’s going to impress that pretty girl that sits across from you in class. Fleeting popularity for dumping steaming java all over your privates is not worth it. It’s just not. It’s going to cause you all sorts of problems later in life. So you hear me, kids? Keep that coffee where it belongs and out of your pants. Any questions?

Yeah, you. What? No, don’t pour hot tea down your pants either. That is also bad.

Anyone else? Huh? Same goes for hot chocolate. Keep it out of there.

Any other questions? You, in the blue shirt. Were you not listening? I just answered a question about tea.

Look, kids, don’t pour any hot liquids down your pants to impress each other. It’s not worth it.

Take it from me, 8 time defending chess champion and current meth addict, Jack Kukoda. Also, see this rope? Don’t play with ropes like this. I can handle them because I’m a professional, but you, you stay away from ropes.

As far as I’m concerned there’s few things YouTube has to offer: old Kids In The Hall Sketches, Hockey Fights, Short Circuit-Dead Prez mash-ups, and now this. I think this is the winner.

There should be about two new videos released every week. They will be glorious. Anyway, give them a look. And continue supporting our troops.

Full Onion Press Release after the, as they say, jump.

THE ONION LAUNCHES

THE ONION NEWS NETWORK

ONLINE AT ONION.COM

March 26, 2007 – The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, will launch The Onion News Network online at www.onion.com on Tuesday, March 27, 2007. The Onion News Network will provide online viewers with the most up-to-date video news reports and excerpts from Onion News Network programs every Tuesday at www.onion.com.

“We’ve been waiting for technology to catch up with our advanced vision for the future of news,” said Onion President, Sean Mills. “That day has finally come.”

The world’s leader in total news coverage will also be available by podcast on iTunes and on mobile devices by Helio. The Onion News Network will also inform Tivo subscribers in their living rooms through the broadband television service of TiVoCast. Wherever there is a news-delivery medium, The Onion News Network will be there.

“We discovered there are occasionally times in our viewers’ lives when they are forced to be away from a television,” Editor-In-Chief Scott Dikkers said. “The Onion News Network will fill these gaps of news access with a seriousness and integrity missing from news today.”

In addition to the up-to-the-second breaking news reports, online viewers will also be privileged to view excerpts from a host of other Onion News Network programs, such as “In The Know,” the nation’s oldest and most respected Sunday-morning news-analysis program hosted by Clifford Banes, the nation’s oldest and most respected newsman. “I haven’t heard of the internet,” Banes said. “As for new viewers, they’re the least of my concerns.”

About The Onion News Network:

The Onion News Network has set the standard for nonstop, globe-encompassing 24-hour television news since it was founded in December 1904. The network currently offers channels in 171 languages and has unbiased in-the-field reporters stationed in every country in the world. Inside the U.S., the network can be viewed in 92.2 million households and more than 500,000 prison cells.

###

If you guys want to nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize, I think you can just Google “Nobel Prize Nominations” and it will take you to a form you can fill out. I’m pretty sure I’ve earned it.

(Click for full size)

You may remember Laina’s earlier work with ponies and outer space. She’s really outdone herself this time.

Also, the good people over at Gawker asked me to make fun of a stranger yesterday and I happily obliged. I am so close to sainthood I can almost taste it.

This will make it much easier for me to creep about mossy swamps undetected.

And would it kill you to send me a goddamn e-card? I think I’ve made it clear many times that I desperately need attention.

Anyway, feel free to send me all sorts of birthday wishes between now and my actual birthday tomorrow. And when I say ‘feel free,’ I mean it’s compulsory. I am starved for attention and if I think that people forgot my birthday I will throw a temper tantrum the likes of which you have never seen. And if you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, I’m registered on Ebay under Buffalo Bills zubaz. I know, I know. Bills zubaz are traditionally a fifth-anniversary gift, but I think we can break with tradition just this once. It’s for me, after all. Or you can just get me what I asked for last year since my friends dropped the ball on that one.

Maybe I should just stick to those office pools where everyone just puts in 5 bucks. No, no then I wouldn’t feel the rush I get every time I bet the over/under on how many dunks there will be in a game. For the U Penn-Texas A&M game, I took the over with 74 dunks. I think that’s a good bet. I haven’t seen either team play all year, but from the sound of their mascot names, I think that game will see a minimum of 79 dunks.

I have a new betting strategy for this year: I’ve parlayed every game in the tournament. So if I guess every single game correctly, I win something like 8 trillion dollars. Nice! I could start my own version of NASA with that sort of money. And then I would take rocketship vacations to the moon! Or maybe I’d just buy some quality linemen for the goddamn Buffalo Bills. Or I would just buy a lot of fur coats. One thing I wouldn’t do with that money is give it to the poor. Because then the poor would get all cocky and start wearing fur coats-fur coats that should have been mine!-and stinking up fancy department stores. No way are the poor going to get like that on my watch.

Go sports!!!!