Bravo, I Say
Even though Italy won the World Cup yesterday, the big story is that French captain Zinedine Zidane, playing in his final game before retirement, was ejected during extra-time for head-butting an Italian player. People are claiming that Zidane, at best, tarnished his legacy, and at worst, cost his team the championship. I don’t know what all the hullabaloo is about. Maybe head-butting is frowned upon where some people come from, but it’s how I solve all of my problems. In fact, I can’t think of a single social situation that cannot be solved by a well-placed, expertly-timed, running-start head-butt.
Situation One: At a Restaurant
ME: I’ll have the roast pork with the apple compote.
WAITER: I’m sorry, sir. Unfortunately, we are out of the roast pork tonight. May I recommend something else?
ME: What did you say to me?
WAITER: I’m sorry, but we just ran out of the roast pork, sir. It’s quite popular. I’d be happy to recommend the-Sir, why are you getting up? Um, where are you going? Sir, please do not run in the-Oh, God! You slammed your head into me! Why? Oh, that hurt! Good Lord, I am in pain. Fine, I’ll find you some pork. Just stop banging your head into me!
Situation Two: At the Office
BOSS: Jack, these reports are not at all what I asked for. Do you even know the first thing about Microsoft Excel?
ME: What did you say about my mother?
BOSS: What? I didn’t say anything about your mother. Hey, don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you. Get back over here. That’s more like it. Wait, slow down. Don’t run in the hallway-Oh, Jesus! Ouch! Oh, sweet Lord. I think you knocked my teeth out! You’ve certainly shown me the error of my ways.
ME: I’m taking the rest of the day off.
BOSS: Fine with me. Take the rest of the week off. When you come back, I’m giving you a raise.
Situation Three: Getting a Home Loan
BANKER: Good afternoon, how may I help you today?
ME: Racist!
BANKER: What? But I’m black. How could I be- Oh, my balls! You jumped off my desk and slammed your head right into my crotch. This is the most pain I have ever been in. Please, take all the money you need.
It’s that simple, people. Follow my lead and you’ll be head butting your way into the corner office before you know it.
