Hey everyone! If any of the Buffalo Bills call for me, take a message because I AM NOT speaking to them. You hear me? Until further notice, the Bills are dead to me. Well, not dead to me. That’s too harsh. Let’s just say they’re very ill in a hospital far away and can’t get in touch with me. That’s better.
Why am I so furious at the Bills you may ask? Oh, maybe because they ruined my entire Sunday afternoon by getting absolutely shellacked by the Chicago Bears yesterday. 40 to 7? What the shit is that, Bills? And 27 to nothing at halftime? I didn’t even have time to get sufficiently drunk by the time the game was out of reach!
I am NOT pleased. You hear me, Bills? Then look at me when I’m talking to you! I’m calling shenanigans on that game yesterday. Hell, I’m calling shenanigans on the entire season up to this point. Stop laughing at me! Shenanigans is a completely legitimate call in this situation! You know, I give and I give to you, Bills. Hell, just last week I bought a new pair of Bills shorts and a Bills shirt at Target. That shit wasn’t free, my friends. It cost my mom like 40 bucks! And what do I have to show for it? A lousy 2-3 record!
Oh, there is no end to my fury! I think I’ve actually gotten angrier since I started writing this post. My fingers are burning with a rage I didn’t even know I possessed. Arrrhgghhghgghghh!!!
Okay, I’ve calmed down. I took a break there and walked around the block. What was I talking about? Oh right, the Bills! Wait, now I’m furious again!!! The walk did nothing!!!! Hold on!!!!!!
Okay, this time I took a nap and a xanax. Ah, yes, the Bills. Seriously, get your shit together. The Sabres are already 3 and 0. You want me to swing my allegiance to them already? Usually I wait until December, but if you don’t get your goddamn act together and stop playing like that team in Little Giants, I’ll put on a Sabres jersey right now.
Wait, that gives me an idea. Maybe the Bills are just playing possum so that their late-season heroics will seem even more amazing. Yes! That’s exactly what they’re doing! They’re taking a page from 80’s sports movies. The Bills are the lovable bunch of ragtag misfits that nobody can coach! And the rest of the league are the rich team that’s sponsored by a country club and has all brand new equipment and their coach is a former big league player! Oh, it’s all coming together! J.P. Losman is the kid from the wrong side of the tracks, like that kid in the Bad News Bears who rode his dirtbike on the field!!!!! And somehow, before the season is over, Dick Jauron will pull it all together and we’ll start winning while learning a lesson or two about friendship! Good gravy, we’re Superbowl-bound!!!! Hurray!!
P.S. I can’t wait to see who the Tatum O’Neal character is! My guess is Kelly Holcomb!