Jack Kukoda

Sorry if this seems a little dated to you because you’ve seen them, but they’re new to me. Holy Christ, the Office of National Drug Control Policy has some new anti-drug ads out…And they’re hilarious!!! Wow, these are so terribly bizarre that they’re borderline self-parody. Remember those old ads where a little girl got run over by pot-smoking teens at a fast-food drive thru? Or the one where two kids got high, and then one accidentally shot the other with a shotgun? Or that whole (Fill in the Blank) is My Anti-Drug campaign? Sure you do, lazy comics have been rehashing those bits for years now.

Well, those blatant scare tactics are nothing compared to the ads that are running now. You thought pot was dangerous when all it did was make you run over little kids? Look at what they’ve found out marijuana can do now:

“Me bones! The marijuana stole me bones! Now I’ll never make the cheerleading squad!”

That’s an actual screenshot of the new ads that are running. In this ad, a girl laments to an off-screen interviewer that, since her friend started smoking pot, all she does is lie around. Get it? They’ve taken the figurative idea of pot making you lazy, and turned it into a visual crackerjack! Here’s another picture of it:

“Her bones! Where have they gone? Pot stole them and now I have to bring her sodas because she can’t go to the fridge!”

Good Lord, these aren’t just horribly manipulative, they’re downright crazy. But the White House couldn’t do them all on its own. They hired the advertising agency of Foote, Cone & Belding to do it for them. The name, or “tag,” for these ads is “Above the Influence,” which Foote, Cone & Belding actually believes will steer teens away from drugs and alcohol and sex. Just listen to FCB’s Executive Vice President Kim Corrigan, whose optimism regarding these ads is, frankly, fucking ridiculous:

“We had an opportunity to make the whole concept of “anti-drug” more aspirational and to figure out a way of taking the notion of drug use and putting it in the context of something teens could find motivating,” said Kim Corrigan, FCB’s evp and worldwide account director. “This brand platform will stick with [teens] . . . because it is the kind of message that is more readily internalized when they are confronted with the choice of to smoke pot or not. It is more peer to peer and it feels more authentic.”

There you have it: advertising doubletalk from a woman who probably lives in a three story loft in Tribeca from all the money she’s previously made by coming up with beer ads that feature horses farting in women’s faces or some such. And if Ms. Corrigan’s statement isn’t enough to convince you the nation is this close to turning the corner on the war on drugs, well, then I just don’t know what to tell you. Here’s some more screenshots of the ads. This one comes from a spot affectionately titled “Smushed.”

“I got really drunk at a party, had sex with some guy, and before I knew it, I had tape on my face. Plus, I shrunk.”

And here’s another one:

“It’s hard to put on my makeup so I can look pretty for boys now.”

By the way, this advertising campaign cost 125 million dollars. I wonder how much cocaine that would buy for an ad exec. A lot, I would guess. And, if you’re curious about the origin of the ads, you can read this article.

You can see the rest of the ads on their official website, for which I have provided this handy link.
Above The Influence

Apparently, these ads starting running in November, but on shows like Malcolm in the Middle and Charmed, so you can guess why I’ve never seen them. It was on the Colbert Report last night, which is where I caught it.

So the Bills have hired former Bears Coach and Yale graduate Dick Jauron as their head coach. Not really a surprise there. Jauron was in the running two years ago when they hired Mularkey as coach. And I still love to point out this little fact: Five years ago, when the Bills hired Greg Williams as head coach, there were two other guys who were being considered. Who were they? John Fox of Carolina and Marvin Lewis of Cincinnati, two guys that managed to turn around franchises and get them to the playoffs within three years of taking over.

Anyway, I’m going to wait for the live press conference at 2:30 before I weigh in on the Jauron decision. I just have two more things for now. 1. Jauron is a fellow Yale grad. I don’t really care. There are plenty of things I think Yale grads are capable of: working on Wall Street, starfucking, marrying other Yale graduates, throwing themselves birthday parties at really expensive bars in New York, staying unemployed three years after graduation(me!), and, of course, that whole Yale thing. I don’t know that spending four years in New Haven, drinking Ice House while making excuses not to go to your friends’ experimental dance recitals or a cappella concerts, in any way qualifies you to coach an NFL team. Prove me wrong, Dick.

And 2, Here’s a little snapshot of how Bills’ fans feel about the hiring move. This poll is from Bills Daily, one of the many Bills-centric sites I visit regularly because I’m a giant dork.

Now, this poll is nowhere near scientific, but it does give you some idea about how the Bills fans who are rabid enough to vote online in the middle of the night feel about the Jauron move. And they don’t like it. 47% think you’re an “awful choice?” Yikes.

I’m still undecided on the Jauron move, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up hating it. Oh, well. At least we didn’t hire Dom Capers.

The AP is reporting that the Bills are interviewing former Bills player and current San Diego recievers coach James Lofton as a possible head coach. Really, Mr. Wilson? James Lofton, huh? First you bring back Marv Levy as GM, then you’re going to hire James Lofton as head coach? What’s next? Frank Reich as quarterbacks coach? Kenneth Davis as offensive coordinator? Why not bring everyone back from the Bills teams that went to the Super Bowl?

Mr. Wilson, if you’re so obsessed with recapturing the magic of the Super Bowl Bills, get yourself a copy of Madden Football. All of them give you the option of playing with the 1990 Bills. Shit, you can make them play the 1984 49ers if you want to get really nuts. But for the love of God, do not hire someone with four years of experience as a position coach to be the head coach of the Bills. The City of Buffalo will erupt in flames, I guarantee it. Hell, I’ll fly back there just to get in on the looting. Please hire someone with head coaching experience. I don’t even care if it’s at the high school level.

Just to recap, the Bills have interviewed three candidates so far, and they have no plans to interview anyone else. The candidates are: recently-fired Packers coach Mike Sherman, Not-even-good-enough-to-coach-the-Lions Dick Jauron, and Apparently-nostalgia-is-more-important-than-experience James Lofton. Ahh! I’m on the verge of going berserk with anger right now. We might as well start calling them the Los Angeles Bills and get it over with.

By the way, since the NFL requires teams to interview at least one minority candidate for a head coaching vacancy, there’s a chance that the Bills interviewed Lofton for that reason alone. This would be a rather shitty move since Lofton played for the Bills under Marv Levy, and to use him as a quota-fulfilling token would be despicable. And, why not interview at least one of the many qualified minority head coaching prospects like Mike Singletary?

Ugh, as if this weren’t depressing enough, my friend Paul sent me this link yesterday. Apparently, God didn’t want the Bills to win Super Bowl XXVII. And to think I used to love you, Frank Reich.

Hall of Fame receiver Lofton interviews with Bills [Associated Press]

Not really sure why this made front page news on Yahoo, but it did.

Disputed Study: Rape Rare in Prisons

Basically, a cultural anthropologist in California conducted a study on how often rape actually occurs in prisons, and surprisingly, found that prison rape is much less common than movies and TV make it seem. “Well, that’s nice,” I thought to myself when I read the story. “Now I can stop worrying about going to prison for fear of being raped, and get back to my highly illegal, yet highly lucrative business of selling counterfeit Oakleys. Awesome!”

Then I came to the part in the story where it explains that the entire study was based on interviews with inmates about whether or not they were raped. That was how the they conducted the entire study: a little Q & A session. I don’t know about you, but if I were in prison and someone invited me to participate in a rape study, I probably wouldn’t be all that forthcoming.

ANTHROPOLOGIST: So, you ever been raped in prison?

THE END.

And here’s a fun fact: My college roommate graduated with a B.A. in Anthropology. I’m not sure if he’s studying any interesting cultures, but I do know that he’s currently crashing at his girlfriend’s apartment in Hoboken because he doesn’t have an apartment. So that’s sweet!

Disputed Study: Rape Rare in Prisons [Yahoo!]

There are lots of valid reasons for hating parrots, but, as illustrated by this story, the number one reason is that they will give away your secrets. And I know from experience.

Back in college, I used to work part-time in a crystal meth lab to pay the bills. Look, I’m not proud of it, but it was the only way I could make enough money to pay for college and my stripper girlfriend’s stripper outfits. Incidentally, she was only stripping so that she could pay for college and my burgeoning crystal meth habit. It was sort of a Gift of the Magi thing.

The point is, during this time I lived with about a dozen or so parrots. I know it sounds silly now, but in the haze of my meth-induced paranoia, I believed the parrots were the only ones I could trust. Well, I was wrong.

It was parents’ weekend up at college, so my folks, as well as an aunt and my grandmother came up to visit. At least I think it was my grandmother. Like I said, I was doing a lot of meth back then, so it might have just been a coat that I thought was my grandmother. Anyway, while we were in my apartment trying to decide on a place for dinner, the parrots started blabbing all of my secrets, including the details of my job. Cursed parrots! My family had an intervention right then and there, forced me to quit the meth lab, and signed me up for a job in the dining hall. I hated working in the dining hall. It was very hot in the dish room and there was not much crystal meth available. I did steal a lot of cold cuts, though, and sometimes filled the cereal boxes with lettuce when nobody was watching.

Here’s that parrot story. I think that’s what this was supposed to be about in the first place.

Mouthy parrot ‘reveals sex secret’ [CNN]

The Bills held a press conference this morning to announce that head coach Mike Mularkey resigned last night due to personal issues. Those issues, apparently, have to do with being a giant pussy who can’t take a little criticism from the fans and media. Jeez, it’s not like he’s coaching in New York. Buffalo has one newspaper and some of the most loyal fans in sports. I seriously doubt he had garbage strewn across his lawn like Tommy Maddox did in Pittsburgh.

Anyway, the three people the Bills are reportedly considering for head coach are former Saints coach Jim Haslett(please tell me this is a joke), former Bills defensive cooridanator Ted Cottrell, and current Bills special teams coach Bobby April. Wow.

Outside of Joe Theismann, I don’t know of anyone that thinks Jim Haslett is a good coach. Ted Cottrell is a good defensive coordinator, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be a good head coach, plus he’s spent the last few years up in Minnesota with Mike Tice, which can’t be a good thing. As for Bobby April, as good as the Bills special teams are, I can’t see making him a head coach. It would be like naming your place kicker as captain of the team. Whatever. Marv Levy’s back so that’s some small comfort. I gots to get ready for the family visiting this weekend. Later.

I just found this on CNN.com.

California High School Sued Over ‘Intelligent Design’ Class

It seems another high school is trying to discredit evolution, this time by teaching “intelligent design” in a philosophy class. A philosophy class that just happens to be taught by a minister’s wife. Although, it appears she’s not doing much teaching, because tucked into the bottom of the story is this gem:

“Classes started two days later with a class plan that relied solely on videos, not guest speakers.”

Now, I’m not really sure how I should feel about this since Moby has not yet weighed in on it on his blog, which is where I usually get all my news, but I’m pretty sure I’m against the idea of a preacher’s wife showing pro “intelligent design” videos in a public high school during class time. But that’s just me.

Oh, and here’s the graphic CNN is using for this story, which I would assume they use for all their Science v. Religion reports.

In the beginning, Man kind of crawled, then he was just sort of hunched over, then he began to jog, now his legs form a perfect A-frame.

Moby, please let me know how I should feel about this story. I’m just a babe in the woods without you.

Previously: Bad News For Dinosaur Haters

The story itself: CNN

Hey folks. I know a lot of you come here for your daily dose of Jack Kukoda, but I also know how important it is to have a basic understanding of the world around us. I mean, I didn’t gradutate with a B.A. in Political Science without figuring that out. That’s why I’m going to let you in on some of my favorite news sources. That way, you can be just as informed as I am. Get ready.

I get most of my hard news from Moby’s blog. He really seems to have a handle on things and it saves me the trouble of checking multiple news sources. He also eschews proper punctuation, which makes it easier for me to read. It’s like getting all your news from a text message. So keep it up, Mr. Moby. I’m depending on you.

Another good place to get your news is by eavesdropping on strangers’ conversations while riding the subway. I can’t tell you how many times my fellow straphangers have scooped the likes of the New York Times and CNN. It was on the subway that I first heard the report that I should “stay out of Chinatown ’cause they got the bird flu with all those chickens and shit.” Mainstream media, why don’t you get off your high horse and ride the underground shuttle(which is what I call the subway because I’m whimsical) once in a while? You just might learn something.

If you’re looking for an editorial angle, I find that coked-up twenty-somethings have a lot of interesting opinions. I went to a party in Brooklyn a week ago and some of the insights these people had blew my mind. One of them explained to me why President Bush was not a good president in a clear and compendious fashion, and how oil companies are, contrary to popular opinion, not necessarily good. Then he talked about original Nintendo for about two hours straight. Really opened my eyes.

Well, that’s all the news I can give you right now. My apartment is dropping below 60 degrees so I’m going to start a fire in my bathtub with old furniture. Jealous?

The following is a direct quote uttered by the oratorically-challenged Dan Fouts during last night’s Rose Bowl pre-game show, which I wrote down immediately after hearing it. On Vince Young’s ability to scramble:

“If he just gets a little bit of crack in that pocket, he’ll take off.”

Some people might say that Dan Fouts meant to a say “a little bit of a crack,” meaning that Young needs only a small opening in the defense to break a big play. But I choose to believe that Fouts was chalking Young’s ability up to his use of illicit street drugs in the middle of a game. For shame, Mr. Fouts. For shame.

Seriously, Holy Christ, what a game last night. Better than the Notre Dame-USC game earlier in the year.

Recap here.

ESPN and Sports Illustrated are both reporting that it will be announced at a 2:30 press conference today that Buffalo Bills GM Tom Donahoe is being fired, while head coach Mike Mularkey is going to stay on. That’s nothing new, everybody’s known that Donahoe was finished since week 12. What is news, and what had been merely speculation up to this point, is that owner Ralph Wilson will be bringing back former head coach Marv Levy, 80, in an unspecified management position. They’re also reporting that Wilson, who is 87 years old, will take a more active role in evaluating players, hiring coaches, and other decisions.

There are two elements to all of this that I think are worth noting. The first is that Mike Mularkey is going to have to put up with a great deal of meddling from two men whose combined age is 167. To me, this sounds like the plot of a Ben Stiller comedy. It would be called “Grandpas Know Best” or perhaps “Wrinkles In Time.” Can’t you just see it? I’m already picturing the scene where Stiller mistakes one of the old men’s denture adhesive for spermicidal jelly, thereby foiling his attempt to seduce his love interest. I’m thinking Rachel McAdams for this part, or a Rachel McAdams-type if she’s unavailable. I digress.

The second thing worth noting is the importance of Levy’s return. People who are not from Buffalo cannot fathom how much Bills fans love Marv Levy. What Oprah is to none-too bright women, Marv Levy is to us: a genius of unfathomable depths. While other people point out that he lost four straight Super Bowls, we prefer to think of him as the man that turned around a dismal franchise, winning four straight AFC Championships in the process. So I can imagine how excited people in Buffalo are at this news. That’s Bills’ fans for you. While other teams’ fans are getting excited about their playoff possibilities, we’re left to celebrate the return of an 80 year-old man to an “unspecified management position.” Heady times, indeed.

On a personal note, for Buffalonians, last year’s HOT Christmast gift wasn’t the iPOD or anything like that. It was Marv Levy’s autobiography, Where Else Would You Rather Be? I remember a lot of friends being disappointed that Amazon had it backordered and they wouldn’t receive it until late January. I, on the other hand, put that shit on my wishlist back in October, so I got to open it Christmas morning.

Then, last January I was talking to an attractive, intelligent girl at a party here in New York. She worked in publishing and asked what I was currently reading, to which I replied, “Marv Levy’s autobiography. Uh, he was the coach of the Bills in the late 80’s-early 90’s.” Then I mumbled something about Nikolai Gogol being my favorite Russian author, but I had already lost her. Goddamn, I’m smooth.

Looking forward to the 2006 season. We’ve got your number, Detroit Lions!

GM Donahoe to be fired, Levy rejoining Bills [ESPN]

Bills prepared to make decision on Donahoe [CNNSI]

Update: Watching the live press conference over streaming video. Why? Because I’m a dork. My thoughts thus far…

(Read on …)

Finally, I’ll have a proper vessel from which to drink my absinthe.

From Yahoo: Scientists May Have Found Mozart’s Skull

Also worth checking out: The Mozart Project

Wow, huge news! Family friend Ron Howard-yes, that Ron Howard!-just asked me to watch a preview screening of The Da Vinci Code! And I did.

Now, he specifically asked me not to tell anyone about it or give away any details, but he’s bald so nobody listens to him anyway. So I’m going to give you the scoop on this thriller, including some plot twists and surprises. But for those of you who would rather not hear some secrets, I’ll let you know when there are spoilers ahead with one of these:
SPOILER ALERT!

So here goes: If you’ve read the book, then you’ll know that it starts out when Tom Hanks’ character, Robert Langdon, a world-renowned-symbologist, is awakened in the middle of the night to go to the Louvre to help solve a crime. So he goes to the Louvre, where he meets mysterious Paris detective Bezu Fache.

SPOILER ALERT!
We’re all going to die someday. So will all your pets and friends.

Langdon then teams up with the beautiful Sophie Neveu, played by the whimsically delightful Audrey Tatou. But Sophie might not be exactly who she says she is…

SPOILER ALERT!
My friend Kevin Henley is not circumcised.

Langdon and Neveu race around Paris all the while trying to avoid a mysterious albino monk. What are they both after? Why, it’s a secret that could rock the Catholic Church, as well as Western Civilization, to its very core. Things get even more complicated when the three of them converge at the house of Sir Leigh Teabing.

SPOILER ALERT!
Foods that are labeled “fat free” are not necessarily healthy!

The movie then turns into a race against time as Langdon, Neveu, Teabing, the albino, and some other people I think,(it was a long movie and I get distracted easily) end up in a castle in London or Paris,(see above parentheses) where Langdon and Neveu learn the truth about the Church, and themselves.

Phew! I got exhausted just watching The Da Vinci Code and I’m sure you will be, too. Thanks, Uncle Ron. Hope I didn’t give too much away. And I’ll see you, readers, at the cineplex!

SPOILER ALERT!
This movie will be horrible.

Da Vinci Code Trailer Here

I’m sure I’m not the first to notice this, but doesn’t recently-deceased Dunkin’ Donuts commercial actor Michael Vale look a lot like Hitler, if Hitler had survived and lived to 83?

Separated at…I don’t know. I miss Spy Magazine, too.

Anyone else? Oh, and I hope this makes Geoff Haggerty cry.

Via Yahoo: Sleepy-Eyed Dunkin’ Donuts Actor Vale Dies

Update: I changed the original picture I had up to the current side-by-side one, which I Photoshopped all by myself, thank you.

From the front page of Yahoo News:

Did they have to put the word “planet” in there? Wouldn’t it be so much more hilarious if they hadn’t? Go on, just say it to yourself without the word planet. Super funny, right?

Don’t they know that lazy comedians count on funny headlines so they can just put them on their blogs without commentary? Goddammit.

This attention to detail on Yahoo’s part also prevents me from having the following hilarious conversation with my friend:

Me: Hey, Tim.

Tim: What?

Me: I heard scientists found a bunch of new rings…around uranus!

Tim: Dag, that was good.

But thanks to Yahoo’s fastidious writers we get this:

Me: Hey, Tim.

Tim: What?

Me: I heard scientists found a bunch of new rings around the planet Uranus.

Tim: Wow, will the wonders of modern astronomy ever cease to amaze?

Me: I hope not.

Tim: Me neither. Science is great.

Me: Sure is. Uh, you want to burn something?

Tim: Okay.

If any fires break out in abandoned buildings in Buffalo tonight you’ll know who’s to blame. Yahoo.

And if you actually care about science: More Rings Are Found Around Planet Uranus

I was pleased to see this headline today, although I’m slightly disturbed that this issue seems to be open to debate.

Court Rejects ‘Intelligent Design’ in Science Class [CNN]

This is the case in Dover, PA, in which a bunch of fundamentalist Christians were elected to the local school board, bullied science teachers, required students to listen to a statement that cast doubt on Darwinism, and tried to teach ‘intelligent design’ alongside evolution. Margaret Talbot wrote a great article all about the trial in The New Yorker. Unfortunately, I cannot link to it because it’s only available in the print edition. What’s that? You don’t subscribe to The New Yorker? Oh, how embarrassing for you.

Let the healing begin.

Anyway, my favorite part of this whole story is that the intelligent design textbook the school board ordered is called “Of Pandas and People.” “Of Pandas and People” sounds like a children’s book to me. I bet the plot would involve a wacky mixup where a human child somehow ends up with a panda family and a panda cub ends up with a human family. I’m not sure how, maybe the families attend the same picnic or something. Then they have to figure out how to get back to their respective families, but not before learning a lesson about pandas and people. If there are any children’s book publishers that want to give me a million dollars right now, I prefer to be paid in cash. That way I can roll around in it.

Sort of related, definitely crazy: Check out this take on dinosaurs.