Jack Kukoda

Hey kids, so remember how I mentioned a while back that I was working on a project, but couldn’t really say much about it? Of course you remember that. I know you all memorize every post on this site like an army of Rain Men. Anyway, that project is the Onion News Network, the Onion’s new video newscast. Here’s one of the videos.

There should be about two new videos released every week. They will be glorious. Anyway, give them a look. And continue supporting our troops.

Full Onion Press Release after the, as they say, jump.
(Read on …)

Did you know there is a SEXPIDEMIC going on in our nation’s schools? Were you aware that nubile female teachers are seducing young male students across the country in what can only be described as a SEXPIDEMIC?! Can you guess how funny I think it is that someone came up with the term SEXPIDEMIC to describe this situation?! Well I’ll tell you how funny: very. I find it very funny.

Last night, Joe Kovacs, editor of World Net Daily(which is just about as credible a news source as Lyndon LaRouche shouting on a street corner with a bullhorn) went on the O’Reilly Factor to discuss the SEXPIDEMIC. And, he announced his appearance on the show in a story called-wait for it…SEXTRA CREDIT! See what he did there? He punned two words using sex. Oh, I love puns. Especially when they’re attached to stories about sexual predators! Why? ‘Cause I’m real classy. Kudos, Mr. Kovacs.

Anyway, here are some more epidemics and what they describe.

1. Mexidemic: The unchecked flow of illegal immigrants into this country.
2. Hepidemic: Pamela Anderson AND Steven Tyler have Hepatitis C. If that’s not an epidemic, I don’t know what is.
3. T-Rexpidemic: Go watch Jurassic Park and see if you don’t agree with me.
4. Epidepidemic: The need to create fake words by punning the word epidemic.

DID THAT META-NESS JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!!!!!!

According to an article in today’s New York Times, “Nevaeh” is becoming a popular name for girls. What kind of name is “Nevaeh?” It’s Heaven spelled backwards. No, seriously it is. Tacky, Christian parents are under the impression that it is a clever name for their daughters. And it shows no signs of slowing down.

In 1999, there were only 8 babies named Nevaeh. In 2005, there were 4,457. That’s a pretty big increase. I’m no expert on social trends, but at this rate every girl born in the United States will be named Nevaeh by the year 2015. When that happens, it will be difficult to find your child in a crowded area. So, to prevent that, here are some other variations on the word Heaven that you can name your kids, you idiot fucking evangelical parents.

“Angeltown”
“Cloudland”
“Where Grandma Went”

That’s all the ones I can think of right now. I think I’m coming down with the flu or something. Sorry.

And if It’s a Boy, Will It Be Lleh? [New York Times]

Forget the immigration debate, here’s the real conflict that’s brewing in California. Someone call Bill O’Reilly! Because sea lions are out of control in Newport Beach. It seems they keep jumping onto people’s boats, causing them to sink. My favorite part:

“The mischievous pinnipeds have returned to the bay after wreaking havoc last summer by trashing boat cabins and decks, swamping a vintage yacht and barking all night.”

Sea lions climbed aboard a vintage yacht, causing it to sink. That sounds like something that would happen in an 80’s movie. You know, like there’s some dilapidated marina run by some ragtag misfits who sit around all day fishing and drinking beer. But it turns out that the marina’s property is worth a ton of money, so some rich developers try to take it over. And the rich guys make fun of the lovable losers and threaten them and stuff. So one night, the misfits train a bunch of sea lions to jump onto the lead rich guy’s boat while he’s trying to seduce some woman. And the boat sinks and the rich guy is in the water with his fancy captain’s hat and blue blazer are all wet and he’s yelling about how some royal guy gave him that blazer and now he’s going to destroy the misfits. But in the end, the ragtag misfits challenge the rich developers to some sort of regatta and, despite overwhelming odds, win the race and get to maintain control of their marina. And then Rodney Dangerfield shows up. Oh, and at some point in the movie, there’s a gratuitous titty shot.

That would be one sweet-ass movie.

Oh, and I’m going to throw my hat into this debate. I’m pro sea lion. But I’m anti-otter. You hear me, otters? Fuck you and your stupid whiskers! You’re dead to me, otters!

Calif. Officials Resume Sea Lion Battle [Yahoo! News]

For anyone, and I’m assuming it’s nearly everyone, who’s ever received one of those NIgerian scam emails, this article should be pretty interesting. It’s fairly long, so I recommend reading it at work instead of doing your Excel spreadsheets. From this article, it appears that Nigeria’s entire economy is based on these email scams. I had no idea they made so much money. I also learned how they get your email address in the first place(those email chain letters that are supposedly sent by Microsoft promising money to anyone who passes it along.)

Oh, and even though it’s a little old, here’s the story of two guys who got back at some Nigerian scammers. This one is even longer, but it’s definitely worth reading, at least until they convince the scammer to take pictures of himself wearing a handmade t-shirt for their fictional rap group that reads “In This Mothafucka.” (Thanks, Clark)

The Perfect Mark [The New Yorker]

Here’s tonight’s primetime lineup.

Because when you’ve been abducted at age 13, kept from your family for months, and forced into a bizarre, sexually abusive relationship with a much, much older man, clearly, the first person you want to talk about all of it with is a 73-year-old crazy man who’s been married six times:

Good Lord, look at this lunatic. I’m going to say 10 minutes at most before the creepy, horrifying stare of Larry King starts giving Elizabeth flashbacks.

So CNN won’t show us comically fat people, but they will allow a nutjob geriatric to question this poor girl about the most traumatic experience of her life in a quest for ratings? Burn in hell, CNN programmers. You burn in hell.

Related: I Am Fucking Insane [The Onion]

I almost crapped my pants with excitement when I saw this headline on CNN.com

Whoo-hoo! I thought. I love articles like these! And the thing I love the most about articles concerning the comically obese is they always have an accompanying photo of the whale-person, usually sunken into a couch, talking to a reporter.

But, no! There’s no picture of this man. Even though CNN says that he is the heaviest person alive and that he “weighs as much as five baby elephants.” How can you tell me that someone weighs as much as five baby elephants and then not show me a picture of him?! At least give me a graphic that features five baby elephants stacked on top of each other to represent this man’s weight! Is that too much to ask? Good Lord, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything for the rest of the day. I’ll be too busy imagining a scale with five baby elephants on one side and a 1,200 pound man on the other. Arrggghh!

God damn you, CNN. God damn you forever.

Here’s the article: Half-ton man may get gastric bypass [CNN.com]

So, apparently, some actress has dropped out of a play here in New York because she was concerned for her physical safety around co-star Alec Baldwin. In an email to a friend, the actress, Jan Maxwell, wrote that Baldwin put his fist through a wall and has physically and mentally intimidated the rest of the cast and crew.

Actresses. What is their deal? I know it’s in their very nature to be all dramatic and sensitive, but do they have to go and quit a production every time someone puts their fist through a wall? Let me say something to all the so-called actresses out there: Punching holes in walls is acting. At least, it is where I learned the craft. And where was that? A little place called the Yale School of Drama and Drywall Smashing. Not to brag or anything, but the YSDDS is just about the greatest acting/wall punching school in all of America.

I’ll never forget my first day of class when my instructor strode confidently into the room, delivered the stirring monologue from Act I, Scene II, of Hamlet, all the while punching holes through the scenery! After he finished and we had given him a standing ovation, he said to us, “Children, anyone can walk around on a stage spouting memorized lines. But when you learn to speak your lines while smashing holes in the wall, then, truly, you have become an actor.”

Truer words were never spoken. So give Baldwin a break, lady. You just might learn something. And just to toot my horn a little, when I played Joe in Damn Yankees, I punched everything in sight: the walls, the curtains, the stage, my fellow actors, the first four rows of the audience, etc. NYTheatre.com called it “the punchingest show we’ve seen in years! Bravo!”

Oh, Uncoolkids.com has posted some photos and video of Tuesday night’s show. Thanks, Shannon!

Alleged Baldwin behavior prompts actress’ exit [CNN.com]

This is the graphic CNN.com had on their homepage last night.

Fuck you, CNN.com. I almost shit in my pants when I saw this graphic. Good Lord, look at how frightening it is. Based on this image, I naturally assumed that Canada and Mexico had declared war on the U.S., attacked us with some chemical/nuclear/viral weapon, and turned our rivers from tranquil blue rivulets into bulging red veins.

Then I saw the headline of the article: Report: Dirty Bomb Material Smuggled Into U.S.

…and I actually did shit in my pants. “Damn,” I thought to myself. “Now I got a whole bunch of shit in my pants. Also, our country is going to be bombed soon. I am displeased.”

Then I read the article and discovered that it wasn’t terrorists sneaking in bomb material, but government agents conducting an exercise to determine how easy it would be to obtain radioactive material and then sneak it into the country. Turns out it would be pretty easy.

Admittedly, that’s pretty scary, but did CNN need to use that graphic for their story? Isn’t that graphic a little bit inflammatory? And who’s going to pay for these pants I just ruined? All good questions, I have to say.

Dirty Bomb Material Smuggled Into U.S. [CNN.com]

Well, this story on CNN.com is pretty incredible:

Jesse Sullivan powers robotic arms with his mind

Now that’s how you write a headline! The story is about a real-life bionic man named Jesse Sullivan who was electrocuted a few years ago while working for a power company and had to have his arms amputated. He became a candidate for an experimental project and now has robotic arms that he can control using his mind! Swear to God. That’s absolutely amazing. Even more amazing is the following quote from his doctor.

“We haven’t spent $6 million yet, but we hope to!” said Dr.Todd Kuiken, director of amputee services at R.I.C.

Wait, did I say amazing? I meant horribly inappropriate. If I were an amputee, and my doctor was making lame ass jokes based on references to an old television show, I would punch him in the face with my robotic arms. Or, if I had robotic legs, I would use those to kick my doctor in his smart-ass shins. You get the point. There would be some robotic fury directed towards my hacky-jokey making doctor. Word up.

Oh, and the third round of the NCAA tournament kicks off tonight, but will I be watching it? No, because I will be reading here tonight. Instead of watching the game while sitting in a gigantic bowl of nachos that I have to eat my way out of, I’ll be entertaining(hopefully) some literary types. That’s okay by me. I’ll actually be reading a story or two about sports, so everything will even out.

According to this article, a box of brand-name crackers was digitally added to an episode of “Yes, Dear” last spring. And I am furious! Product placement in America’s greatest television shows has gone too far. I didn’t say anything when a can of Diet Coke was prominently displayed on “The King of Queens” last month, but this crosses the line.

The next time I see Greg or Kim Warner eat a Digiorno Pizza on “Yes, Dear,” how will I know if they’re doing it because it’s true to their characters, or if it’s just more shameless product placement? I won’t, that’s how!

By the way, apparently, this show “Yes, Dear” has managed to stay on the air for six whole seasons. That doesn’t seem possible.

Digital Product Placement Alters TV Landscape [Yahoo!]

So 8 workers at a meat-processing plant in Nebraska won the Powerball jackpot worth 315 million dollars. After taxes, they’ll each get about $15.5 million each. I should probably be happy for these 8 people, 3 of whom are immigrants, who just last week were working a shit-ass job processing ham, and are now multi-millionaires. But I’m not. And it’s not because I’m jealous of them or petty. It’s because I think if you’re going to win something called “Powerball,” it should be a lot more difficult than just buying a ticket and picking some numbers.

If I were in charge of things, “Powerball” would be a sport that combined roller derby, skee ball, and all of the events from “The Running Man” into one horrific contest of blood and mayhem. Sure, you would still have a chance to win millions of dollars, but not before you fought another man to the death in an eight-sided ring. That ring would be known as the “Power Ring,” which would be free from the laws that govern the United States, or simple human decency, for that matter. In other words, anything goes.

If someone made it out of the Power Ring, they would immediately go into the Gauntlet of Death, which isn’t so much a gauntlet as it is a room where people throw skee balls at you and try to steal your pants. If you managed to get out of the gauntlet with your pants intact, you’d then have to fight a sumo wrestler equipped with goalie pads and a machete/hockey stick. I told you there would be some Running Man in there.

Finally, if you completed all of these tasks, you would get your precious $15 million. And the next day you would be a guest on Live With Regis and Kelly. A pretty sweet deal, all in all.

TV executives, I know you’re reading this. Let’s get this show into production ASAP. And as I’ve said before, I prefer to be paid in truckloads of cash. Between this and my children’s books, I’m sitting on a freaking gold mine.

8 Nebraska co-workers share record Powerball jackpot via CNN

I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt a little when I saw this on CNN.com:

‘Baby Jessica,’ now 19, reportedly marries

I know what you’re thinking: “Jack, you and ‘Baby Jessica’ broke up a long time ago. She’s clearly moved on and so should you.” True as that may be, it still hurts. I mean, we had so much in common: our mutual love of sports, similar taste in movies, and the fact that we both fell down wells as babies and became media sensations. I always thought it would be me walking her down the aisle.

Oh, well. I wish you all the best, Jess. We’ll always have Paris. And that “Where are they now?” episode of Maury Povich where he caught up with people who had fallen down wells.

Gosh, I just wanted to pinch Canada on its rosy little cheeks when I read this article about how they plan to reassert their authority over Canada’s Arctic waters. Newly-elected Prime Minister Stephen Harper is actually planning on putting military ice-breakers up in the arctic to keep other countries out. Isn’t that cute? Here’s what Harper had to say when US ambassador David Wilkins expressed his displeasure at the move:

“It is the Canadian people we get our mandate from, not the ambassador of the United States,” he said.

SNAP! Take that, Mr. Wilkins! Do Not mess with Canada! Just kidding. Oh, where does the Prime Minister come up with this stuff? I just want to wrap my arms around the guy! Can’t you just see him out in the arctic in an oversized military uniform, marching about with a toy gun, protecting the polar bears and seals? Here’s what else he had to say:

“I was very clear about this in the election campaign: the United States defends its sovereignty. The Canadian government will defend our sovereignty.”

Hmm. Not sure if this is still cute. I think PM Harper is trying to draw a correlation between the US invading Iraq in a pre-emptive strike, and Canada prohibiting other countries from entering the Arctic. I’m going to have to disagree with you here, Canada. I know the new PM is trying to look tough and prove he’s not in love with Bush, but if you’re going to emulate one aspect of the US, I suggest something other than our invasion of Iraq. That hasn’t really been one of our most successful or popular endeavors. Maybe try and copy our love of the automobile or the Super Bowl first. Or maybe our abundance of sexy college girls willing to bare it all for the cameras. I bet Canadians would like more of those. Not me, though. My apartment is already full of them. I can barely get to my kitchen, as is. I’m just kidding, sexy college girls. You know I love you!

Harper to U.S.: Keep out of Canada’s Arctic [Toronto Star]

Well, they announced the winner of the Newbery Medal today and, once again, those bastards on the committee screwed me. For the laymen out there, the Newbery is the most prestigious award there is for children’s literature. Some asshole I’ve never heard of won it this year.

Sweet Christ, how many awesome children’s books do I have to write before these elitists will give me a freaking Newbery? My latest children’s book, “The Talking Lion, a Large Piece of Fruit, and the Lesson-Learning Boy,” was by far the greatest work I’ve produced in the past five years. Even better than last year’s “A Witch, a Little Girl, Some Ponies, and a Bag of Magic,” which was pretty goddamn unbelievable if you ask me.

Some of my critics say that I’ll never win the Newbery because my books contain language too coarse and racially insensitive for children. To that, I say, “Fuck you, Indian. Do not tell me how to write!” Whatever. I don’t write children’s books for awards. I do it for the money. And all the trim I get. You have any idea how many hot, lonely moms there are in this country? Well, I’ll tell you. A fucking shitload, that’s how many, you lazy Eskimo. And they line up around the block for my book signings. Then they line up around my balls.(Note to self, remember that line for the next book.)

Ah, I’ve wasted too much of my time complaining already. I’ve got to finish my next children’s book. It’s tentatively called, “The Magical Train, Some Mean Step-Parents, a Bear, Something To Do With the Circus, and a Lesson About Material Possessions.” And if it doesn’t win me the Newbery, I swear to God I’ll find Roald Dahl’s widow and I’ll punch her in the heart.

‘Criss Cross’ Nets Newbery Medal for Perkins [NPR]