Jack Kukoda

Hey friends! Sorry for the sporadic posts lately, I’ve been busy again on a couple projects. Still can’t talk about anything yet. Also, I’m home sick with the flu today. But, here’s something cool. I’ll be participating in a “bloggers roundtable” for AOL this Friday. It will be me and a couple other bloggers who are actual Internet superstars. I’m hoping to steal some of their Internet heat! You hear me? Your heat will soon be mine, bloggers! The whole thing will be taped and then broadcast on AOL’s new video site, from what I understand. So look out for that. I’ll post it as soon as it’s up.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of emails to me have been getting trapped in my spam filter. See that address over there at the top of the right hand column? Usually, all that gets me are solicitations for penis pills and other spam shenanigans. But occasionally I get an email from someone who has stumbled across my blog and wants to tell me they liked something in particular. Or from a Larry the Cable Guy fan who just wants to say “Your gay.”[sic] Anyhows, if you’ve recently emailed me and I didn’t get back to you, it’s because I never got your email. Sorry about that. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a jerk. And please feel free to email me. I love and need attention. Okay, I’m crawling back into bed.

So, according to a few people who shall remain nameless, last week’s rebus was far too easy. Here’s one that’s slightly more difficult AND 100% true. First correct guess wins, I don’t know, a happy meal? You people like happy meals? Of course you do, you disgusting gluttons. Ah, you sicken me. All of you do. Anyway, on with the guessing!

Previously: I’m A Teriffic Person

Ooh boy! It’s nostalgia time! When I moved to my new apartment from my old one in Chinatown, I was afraid I’d miss all the things I had come to enjoy in my previous home: the bustle of Chinatown, the cheap restaurants, the fact that the temperature in my apartment would often drop below 55 degrees in the middle of winter because of our deficient management company and their even more deficient boiler. Well, no need to worry, because it’s freezing in my new apartment, too!

Oh, it’s grand! I’m currently wearing sweatpants, slippers two sweatshirts, and a winter hat. And I know my landlord said the fireplace is cosmetic only and hasn’t been functional for twenty some years, but that’s not going to stop me from starting a fire in it. I’ve got a whole bunch of Victoria’s Secret catalogs I’ve been stealing from people’s mailboxes just ready to go into the fireplace. (Don’t worry, I’m constantly stealing Victoria’s Secret catalogs so my collection will be quickly replenished. Why, because I’m a goddamn dirtbag, that’s why.)

Anyway, it’s too goddamn cold to sit around my apartment today on my day off, so I’m going to go out and run some errands. I’ll be back tomorrow and it will be grand. Oh, and I should have a video of a recent standup set to put up this week. It will make you shit in your pants, Ted. So look out for that. And I sort of got a new writing gig this week. More on that later when it develops. I’ll give you a hint: A certain magazine that rhymes with “Fenthouse” published one of my letters about the time I made love to two bikini models in a hot air balloon. I never thought those things really happened!!!!!

Hey there, everyone. You may have noticed I wasn’t up to the task of writing yesterday. But I had a legitimately good reason. I was hosting an event for one of the many charities I work with. Yesterday it was for “Fares that Care,” which is a charity that takes old subway Metrocards and makes clothing out of them for homeless people. Metrocards are totally waterproof so they make excellent ponchos. Fares that Care isn’t to be confused with Hair that Cares, which is another charity I’m active in. Nor is it to be confused with “Lairs for Bears,” which is a non-profit that provides temporary cave-like housing to bears that were displaced during Hurricane Katrina. Before I got involved with Lairs for Bears, I had no idea that homeless bears were such a problem. But they are. For realz.

But I guess the charity I’m most proud of is the one I started myself. The name of it can be found below in rebus form. First person to correctly identify that rebus gets a coupon for one very innapropriate back massage from yours truly. Happy guessing!

Hurry up with those guesses. This massage oil is heating up!

Previously: Name Game

Happy Week After Thanksgiving, everybody! Guess what, I got you a present. It’s a brand new batch of the Kukoda.com Power Rankings!!!! I hope you’re not wearing expensive socks, because these Power Rankings are so awesome, they’re going to knock your socks so far off your feet, they’ll land in a pond two counties over. Enough chit chat, let’s get to those rankings!

1. My Nephew Emmett (previous week: not on the list) This is the first ever debut at number one in history of the Power Rankings. And that’s an illustrious history. It goes back a full three weeks! Emmett snagged the top spot after he sent in a video demanding to know why he wasn’t on it. Well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And talking babies take the top spot!

2. Sexy Teens (previous week: number 1) Calm down, sexy teens. I don’t want you to send me a bunch of letters complaining about dropping from the number one spot because that would take up precious time that could be spent being sexy. You just keep on keepin’ on and you’ll be back in the top spot in no time.

3. The movie Stealth (previous week: not on the list) Oh my God, have you seen this movie?! It’s freaking incredible. It’s about a talking plane that starts out good, then turns evil, then turns back to good after Josh Lucas reasons with it. Oh, and Jessica Biel fights half the North Korean army with nothing but a machine gun and her amazing ass. And Sam Shepard is in it. And the plane destroys itself at the end for no good reason. Rent that shit now!

4. Leftover Turkey Tacos (previous week: 2) Here’s a secret Kukoda family recipe: Tortillas, leftover turkey, gravy, cheese, mashed potatoes, stuffing. You know what to do. It’s only a matter of time before those KFC/Taco Bell hybrids start selling these under the name “Thanksgiving Gorditas.” Remember where you heard about it first.

5. Tie between the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres (previous week: not sure) The Sabres and the Bills both won yesterday, knocking off the Rangers and Jaguars respectively, and I watched both games in HD. Which brings me to number 6.

6. My Roommate’s New 42 inch Plasma TV (previous week: not on the list) Sweet Mary, mother of God, this thing is freaking awesome. My roommate’s girlfriend bought him a new TV last week and since then I’ve barely left the couch. It’s that good. I thought watching porno in my living room all day was cool before, but now that I’ve seen it in High Definition, I realize how much I was missing out. It’s like someone’s getting teabagged right in my living room!

7. Peter Cetera (previous week: not on the list) Peter Cetera had a very strong week. Plus, he sent me an autographed photo of him and the Moody Blues at Disney World. That’s got to count for something.

8. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 4) These are more addictive than crack mixed with wine.

9. The Episode of Drawn Together featuring Carlos Mencia (previous week: not on the list) This was like the dream team of lowbrow, racist, unfunny comedy. Kudos!

10. Basset Hounds (previous week: 5) No explanation here aside from the fact that I simply love Basset Hounds.

Well, there they are. Lots of newcomers this week. And some old favorites dropped from the ranking all together. I’m sure there will be lots of controversy. And as usual, feel free to leave your suggestions for the power rankings in the comments section.

Previously: Brand New Power Rankings

Is what I would call a conical-shaped basket full of dirty magazines. I got that joke from 1,001 Truly Tasteless Kids Jokes. That’s a book for kids written by the cartoonists at Hustler. Real classy. Would make an excellent gift for a niece or nephew.

Anyway, I’m wrapping up early for Thanksgiving today. But before I go I want to thank Bfloblog and Buffalo Pundit for linking here this week. That was sweet. And if you’re just coming to this site, I suggest you start in the Blatant Lies category to get an idea of the bullshit that goes on around here. Or you can read these, which is sort of a best-of, but not really. And if you’re coming from one of those Buffalo sites, here’s a nice round-up of Buffalo-centric posts I’ve done here.

I should have some more videos, performance and otherwise, to add to the site soon so that will be fun. Hurray! Have a great holiday, dickfaces!*

*Dickface is the traditional Indian word for an honored or revered person. Go ahead, look it up, dickface.

Hey everyone! I know what you’re thinking: “I have to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people on Thursday and I don’t know where to start.” Well calm down, you whiny asshole, ’cause Jack Kukoda is here to help. I present to you my recipe for the Bearduckelope. That’s an antelope, wrapped in a genetically-modified duck, wrapped in a bear. I guarantee nobody at your Thanksgiving dinner will have had one of these before. And if they tell you they have, you can slap them in the mouth because they’re goddamn liars. Anyway, Thanksgiving isn’t a time for casual swearing and motherfucking violence, so let’s put a stop to that just get to the recipe.

Prep Time: About a 6 months. Cook Time: Depends on how rare you like your bear.

Ingredients:
1 Bear, gutted and de-furred
1 Genetically-modified duck, gutted and feathers removed
1 Antelope who has been fed nothing but cheddar cheese pretzel Combos for 6 months(it’s for the stuffing)
Orange juice
Vodka

Jam that antelope into the giant duck. Then take that duck and cram it into that bear. Put the whole thing into a huge baking pan. Put it in an oven and cook for at least 10 hours on 400 degrees. While it’s cooking, take the orange juice and vodka and have yourself a screwdriver ’cause the holidays are stressful enough! Am I right, gals?! You bet your ass I am!

P.S. Laina, can you please photoshop a Bearduckelope for me? I will return your tupperware.

Update: Oh, boy. Okay. Laina sent me a picture of what a Bearduckelope looks like.

Frankly, I think this picture is so absolutely ridiculously wrong that I don’t know where to start. First of all, that doesn’t look at all like something I would want to eat. Second of all, why is that bear growling at the Bearduckelope? And what’s a Bearduckelope doing out in the wild to begin with? It belongs on a Thanksgiving table. God, I’m so upset now I don’t know what to do with myself.

Related: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

Hey Kukoda.comsters! By the way, that’s what I call all of you. Why? Because I’m a jackass. Anyway, I’ll be running around all day so I won’t be able to post. But I’ve been working on a ton of projects lately and I’m hoping one of them will pay off. More on that later. In the meantime, I suggest you spend your entire workday watching videos on this site. A good place to start would be with “Murshaq” or “My Year With the Dragon.” Enjoy!

Sick Animation.com

Apparently my seven-week old nephew Emmett is upset he was left off both editions of the Kukoda.com Power Rankings so he had his mom and dad send me this video. I have to say, he makes some pretty good points.

And here is a Google Video version if you can’t see the above.

That Quizno’s baby has nothing on this kid. Clare, you’re a special effects whiz.

Hey, remember when I was going to post videos on this site all the time? Well, I’m starting again. Slowly. Here’s a video from a recent performance I did. Enjoy.

If you can’t see the video, I’ll be putting it on YouTube later on.

Update: The YouTube Version is above.

Remember almost a year ago when I found out my borderline-crazy parents were dressing their dogs up in Halloween costumes? Yes, you do. Everyone who reads this blog can recite all the posts I’ve done by heart. Well, they’re back at it again!

My sister went home this weekend and sent me some shocking footage. When I commit my parents to the old folks home against their will, these photos will be exhibit A through C.

First up, here’s Murphy. He’s a black cocker spaniel. No, wait! He’s Superdog!

Right now this dog is thinking, “I wish I had the ability to fly so I could free myself from these crazy people.”

I don’t even want to know how long it took them to get this dog’s legs through those sleeves. And the cape! But Murphy isn’t the only to get in on the Halloween Costume Madness/My Parents’ Dimentia. Check out Rosie, or as my parents call her “Pretty, Pretty Princess.”

“I am the ruler of all I survey. And right now I survey two people who are sadly projecting personalities onto some poor dogs.”

But things aren’t all Superheroes and Princesses at the Kukoda household. There’s an evil being lurking, who means to do harm to Superdog and Pretty, Pretty Princess. Who could that be?

Why, it’s this witch!!!

“Where are you, my pretties?”(said in a witch voice)

Okay, that’s enough madness for now. To cleanse your palate, here’s an adorable photo of my nephew dressed as a Jack-O-Lantern.

Look at the smiley faces on his fee! What?! Ohmygodijustwanttoeathimup! In about 18 years when this kid goes off to college, there’s a pretty good chance this costume will be used on my sister and brother-in-law’s basset hound. The circle of life.

Previously: The 7 Habits of Highly Lonely Parents

Goddamn right it was me.

An album of Peter Cetera’s greatest hits to the first person who can correctly identify who/what I’m dressed as. And I’ll have more on this later. The contest, the drama, the bottle of brandy I won and proceeded to chug, and the horrible aftermath.

Update: Zac is the winner! I have no idea why he wouldn’t want a Peter Cetera CD. I’m guessing he already has it. Yes, that is the only possible reason.

Nothing? I thought so. Well, get off your asses and come to this.

The Drink at Work/Yankee Pot Roast Show

It will be super amazing. I might be wearing a costume.

Scheduled to read/perform:

Sean Crespo (FUSE, Office Pirates, National Lampoon, Drink at Work.com)
Kambri Crews (Love Daddy, Comedy Central Insider)
Eric Gillin (Esquire Editor, BlackTable.com co-founder)
Wayne Gladstone (Yankee Pot Roast, Cracked)
Carol Hartsell (Drink at Work.com)
Jack Kukoda (Kukoda.com, Yankee Pot Roast)
Francesco Marciuliano (Sally Forth, Medium Large, Drink at Work.com, Print)
Mick Stingley (Hollywood Reporter and Metal Edge)
Todd Levin (Tremble.com, The Morning News, Salon)

Plus, a performance by sketch group Elephant Larry

Monday, October 30th
8:00pm
Ace of Clubs
9 Great Jones Street
$5

Basset hound. Dressed as a sheriff. Ka-blam.

Happy Halloween.

You’re goddamn right it’s me. Laina sent this to me today. This site has been around for a while now, but for some reason I never got around to using it. Thank God Laina has nothing else to do at work. If you want to see what celebrity you resemble, go here and check it out. But you’re out of your freaking mind if you think you look more like Beyonce than I do.

My Heritage Face Recognition