Jack Kukoda

Number 1

ME: Are you wearing astronaut underwear?

HER: No. Why?

ME: Because your ass reminds me of when the Challenger exploded.

HER: That was in poor taste.

Number 2

ME: Do you have a mirror in your pants?

HER: What? Why?

ME: Because I’m on a scavenger hunt and I need a mirror that was up someone’s ass.

HER: (Handing me her mirror) Okay, here you go.

ME: Thanks. Now I just need a picture of me in front of the Empire State Building. Wow, I can’t believe you really had a mirror up your ass.

HER: Don’t mention it.

Number 3

ME: Is your refrigerator running?

HER: Uh, I believe so.

ME: Well, then you better go catch it!

HER: I think this prank is supposed to be performed over the telephone.

ME: I think you’re a telephone.

HER: Sir, if you’re not going to purchase a kitchen appliance, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store.

Actual pick-up lines.

Every movie set in the not-so-distant future contains a number of the same elements: a corrupt, Big Brother-esque government; flying cars; and super potent drugs that pacify the masses. Go ahead, name some movies that are set in the near future. I bet they’ve got super drugs in them. Shit, I’ll do it for you. Prayer of the Rollerboys had “The Rope,” Robocop 2 had “Nuke” and New Jack City had “Crack.” Wait, that one’s real. At any rate, here’s a short, but handy guide to the super drugs. Feel free to add some if you can remember any.

Movie: Prayer of the Rollerboys
Drug: “The Rope”
How It Was Ingested: I think it was smoked out of a machine that sort of looked like an IV, but don’t quote me because I’m going by memory here. I’m certainly not going to rent it to verify this.
What It Did: Made you lazy, again, I think.

Movie: A Clockwork Orange
Drug: Korova Milkbar Milkshakes
How It Was Ingested: Drunk in a creepy bar that is recreated on Avenue A.
What It Did: “Sharpened you up and made you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.” Basically, turned you into a raping and stabbing maniac.

Movie: Sleeper
Drug: That Orb
How It Was Ingested: You just held on to it.
What It Did: Made you all tingly, from what I could gather.

Movie: Minority Report
Drug: I Forget the Name.
How It Was Ingested: Just like an asthma inhaler.
What It Did: (Insert Tom Cruise is crazy joke here.)

Movie: Robocop 2
Drug: “Nuke”
How It Was Ingested: Don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure that it glowed.
What It Did: Made you crazy.

So what happened to all these super drugs? I’m happy we don’t have a 1984-style government, and I live in New York so I can do without the flying cars, but where are the super drugs? I’ve developed a pretty strong tolerance to everything that’s available right now, so some super drugs would come in handy. Last night I rolled some horse tranquilizers into a joint, dipped it in formaldehyde, smoked it, blew the smoke into a syringe, then shot the smoke directly into my eyeballs. I got a little buzz, but nothing major. Oh well, there’s always the choking game. That sounds fun and safe.

P.S. Today’s my birthday!!!!!!!!!

So, tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m not making a big deal out of it because I’m not really crazy about birthdays or birthday parties. I like going to other people’s birthday parties, but when it comes to my own, I just feel kind of awkward.

So, instead of inviting all of you to a birthday party and making you buy me drinks all night, I thought I’d just put my wishlist online, and let you spend your money on gifts for me. The following items are listed in order of how much I want them.

1. A Jingoistic Monster Truck

2. Two Barrels of Maple Syrup Being Pulled by a Donkey

That’s all. Those are the only things I want for my birthday.

I’m guessing that a monster truck is pretty expensive, so some of you guys might want to go in on that together. That’s fine by me. As for the donkey-pulled syrup, please note that I only want maple syrup if it comes in gigantic barrels. If you get me a regular-sized container of syrup, I’ll probably just throw it against the wall and tell you to go to hell. And don’t even think of getting me those barrels if they’re not pulled by a donkey. I know a mule when I see one and I won’t be amused if you try to sneak one by me.

Thank you in advance for making my birthday so special.

Captain Beefheart Lyrics that, if Said by an Actual Ship’s Captain, Would Almost Certainly Get Him Fired.

1. “I’m gonna grow fins ‘N go back in the water again.” (From “Grow Fins”)
2. “If ya don’t leave me alone I’m gonna take up with ah mermaid.” (Also “Grow Fins”)
3. “Poop hatch open.” (From “81 Poop Hatch”)

He could probably get away with the first two, but opening the poop hatch? Come on. That’s just asking to be fired.

More on Captain Beefheart here and here.

For those of you who didn’t grow up Catholic, here are a few fun facts about the Season of Lent.

1. During Lent, Catholics are not allowed to eat grilled or broiled meats. If we want meat, we have to cook it on stones that have been heated in an outdoor fire pit.
2. The Catholic word for that pit is “Excelsior.”
3. Technically, “Excelsior” is not a Catholic word. It’s actually Latin.
4. Latin America gets it’s name from the man who discovered it: Latino Latimus Von Latin.
5. No such man ever existed.
6. It’s eight in the morning and I’m drunk.

Wait, this one is true. Unlike Christmas, Easter does not fall on the same day every year. Its date is determined by the moon. From Wikipedia:

The practice of those following Rome was to celebrate Easter on the first Sunday after the earliest fourteenth day of a lunar month that occurred on or after March 21. During the Middle Ages this practice was more succinctly phrased as Easter is observed on the Sunday after the first full moon on or after the day of the vernal equinox.

Makes perfect sense. And if anyone out there would like to celebrate a Kukoda family tradition, you can do so by buying all of your Easter candy the day after Easter, when it will be marked down as much as 75 percent. Those peanut butter eggs taste even better when you buy them in bulk.

Lent via Wikipedia

1. Wooden Eye
2. Glass Leg
3. Bamboo Arm

Thank you, I’ll be here all day. In my room.

1. Masturbate to Internet pornography.
2. Masturbate to traditional pornography.
3. Stalk ex-girlfriends on MySpace, masturbate to memories of them.

OR…

You can go see some shows that my friends are involved in:

Elephant Larry Has No Girlfriends
followed by
The Dating Game
which, in turn, is followed by
The Dating Game: Lesbian Edition
Starting at 7pm tonight at the P.I.T.
Details here

Geniuses of Love
Hosted by Becky Yamamoto & Tony Carnevale
Featuring: Way too many people to list! Click on the link for details.
Galapagos Art Space
70 North 6th Street
between Kent and Wythe
Williamsburg, Brooklyn
8pm

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Here is a list of items, in no particular order, that my mother recently sent me in a care package.

1. ‘Tastefully Simple’ Brand Cheesy Pepper Soup Mix
2. Medicated Gold Pond Powder, Travel Size
3. Two Bottles of ‘Softsoap For Men’ Brand Body Wash, “Active” Scent
4. ‘Tastefully Simple’ Brand Wild Rice Soup Mix
5. Curel Original Formula Moisturizer
6. One Pound Bag Of Chopped Walnuts.

I’m pretty sure she’s just taking stuff that she finds around the house, putting it in a box, and slapping some postage on it. That lady is one step away from becoming the crazy aunt in Christmas Vacation that wraps up her cat as a Christmas present.

I kid because I love, Mom. But send money next time. I can’t trade walnuts for drugs.

Here’s the proof.

Likes:
1.Sports, particularly football; softball in the summer
2.Sleater-Kinney
3.Building Stuff
4.Vaginas
5.Sensible Shoes
6.Women freely expressing their sexuality

Dislikes:
1.The Patriarchy

Ladies, you know where to find me.

Phrases, besides “Paper Tiger,” that Mao Zedong once used to describe the military prowess of the United States.

1. Plywood Crocodile
2. Wet-Cardboard Shark
3. Permeable Donkey
4. Silk Rambo
5. Cotton Ball Rattlesnake
6. Flannel Brontosaurus
7. Zucchini-Stuffed Jockstrap

Sorry, it’s Friday.

“Where do you stand on the issue of cockfighting?” is a question that no host wants to hear uttered at his dinner party. Trust me, I throw a ton of dinner parties attended by a diverse group of people on a pretty regular basis, so I know of what I speak, and the question of whether or not we as a nation should legalize cockfighting can bring an otherwise successful soiree to a screeching halt. No issue in American politics is currently more polarizing that that of cockfighting. In the event that someone should bring up the subject at your next affair, try to diffuse the tension by offering up these activities, which everyone will agree are worse than cockfighting, thereby restoring goodwill and fellowship to the dinner table. All of these activities, it should be noted, follow the same rules of cockfighting: pitting two opponents against each other, with spurs or miniature blades attached to their feet, in a fight to the death.

Donkeyfighting
Babyfighting
National Merit Scholarfighting
Penguinfighting
Single Motherfighting
Monkeyfighting
Sexy Teenfighting
Crotchety Old Manfighting
Doefighting

If you have any others, feel free to add them to the list.

So remember, next time somebody asks where you stand on the issue of cockfighting, just say, “Well, I think we can all agree that babyfighting is morally reprehensible.” If they disagree with you, then they’re pretty wild. And just to throw my hat in the ring, I’m 100 percent pro-cockfighting.

Remember how I said I would make up for my previous unfunny list? Yeah, well, I lied.

You know how people make mixes for road trips and stuff? Sure you do. Well, I’ve made the ultimate mix for everyday. Well, at least my day. And I’m going to share it so you can take a peek into what a day is like for a famous and awesome comedian like myself.

11am “Hurt” by Johnny Cash – I find this is a nice motivational song to start the day. Play it yourself first thing in the morning and see if you don’t agree with me.

Noon “I am a Scientist” by Guided By Voices- This is what I say when I call my temp agency to tell them I’m available to work. They haven’t believed me since they sent me to a Columbia Medical Lab with disastrous results.

1pm Free Play – This is where I take my first afternoon nap.

2pm “I Don’t Give a Fuck” by Peaches – I like a little attitude with my Subway value meal, thank you very much.

3pm “Space Oddity” by David Bowie - Just a great, great song to masturbate to.

4pm Free play – This is usually where I take my second afternoon nap.

5pm “Self Destruction” by The Stop the Violence All-Stars(KRS-One, Stetsasonic, Kool Moe Dee, et al.) I listen to this song at 5 because I think it’s a good time to remember…how easy it is to write a joke using a semi-forgotten pop culture reference as the punchline. You know who taught me that? The Snorks! Bada-bing, that was a twofer.*

Lazy comedians the world over salute you, noble Snorks

6pm “Ironman” by Black Sabbath – If you only pay attention to the title, you can trick yourself into thinking you’re training for a triathalon, rather than eating nachos.

7pm “Kick Out the Jams(live version)” by The MC5 - On most nights, I listen to this to get myself pumped up to perform at comedy show that will be watched by 8 people, 7 of whom are other comics on the bill.

9pm “These Are the Days” by 10,000 Maniacs - It’s either listen to this, or cut myself. This is much less messy.

10pm “Marquee Moon” by Television - Push play when you hear Rosanna Scotto’s name announced at the start of Fox 5 News. Then prepare to be blown away. (You need to take a lot of acid for this to work properly.)

11pm Speaker feedback – Still coming down.

Midnight – “Hung Up” by Madonna - To be totally honest, I could listen to this 12 times a day and not get sick of it.

1am “Baby Bitch” by Ween - If there’s a better song for pranking ex-girlfriends in the middle of the night, I’ve yet to hear it.

2am Anything From Here- Nothing in my life could be as depressing as this.

3am “The Hurricane” by Bob Dylan – I like to listen to this song right before bed because of its connection to an incredible story: It was playing the night I picked up a 35-year-old secretary in a hotel bar.

That’s the playlist. Sorry, it seemed like a much funnier idea when I started it. I will atone for it later.

*That Snorks joke was shamelessly stolen from the Yale Record.

Well, it’s Day 3 of the Boiler Strike in my building. I don’t know what its demands are, but they clearly haven’t been met by my super or management company because it hasn’t gone back to work yet. I really hope somebody can get it back to the bargaining table, because my bedroom is nearing absolute zero. That’s −459.67 °F for the non-chemists out there. If this doesn’t get fixed soon, I’m going to have to kill an animal and sleep inside of it for the night. Does anyone own a horse or large dog they won’t miss?

Anyway, if you’re wondering how to deal with an apartment with no heat or hot water, here’s a few tips:

1. Whine a lot. Also, yell, “Jesus, it’s cold in here.” to nobody in particular.
2. Hug the coffee pot.
3. If you’re like my getting-more-slovenly-by-the-day roommate, you can do this: heat up a pot of water on the stove, then use it to shave, making sure you rinse the razor IN the pot. THEN, put the pot back on the stove like nothing happened. Oh, and make sure it’s the pot that I use to cook just about every meal. Then, when I ask you to clean the pot you just filled with dead skin, shave gel, and facial hair; roll your eyes and do it grudgingly.
4. Curl up in a ball and feel sorry for yourself.

I think that’s all the tips I have for now. What can I say, it’s a Friday. I need to start applying my bronzer now if I want it to look like a natural tan by the time I get to the clubs.

Previous Boiler Strike Coverage

Now that the crush of holiday parties, last minute shopping, and Christmas itself is over, I can finally check off some items on my holiday to-do list. Let’s see if I got everything done this year:

1. Buy and wrap presents for Clare(my sister) and Sean(her husband.) Check.
2. Burn the greatest Christmas mix CD known to man. Check.
3. Send online Christmas cards to dork friends. Check.
4. Get into bar fight over disagreement about a game of darts. Check.
5. Attend my high school class’ Christmas party. Check.
6. Make out with an ex-girlfriend under a blanket on a stranger’s couch. Check.
7. Show up an hour late to my uncle’s house on Christmas Eve with an egg nog hangover. Check plus!
8. Go to Mass, it’s only one day a year. Nope.
9. Forget to buy my father a present, try to cover tracks by saying I got him a book on Amazon, but they couldn’t ship it in time, mumble incoherently when he asks what the book is about, then change subject. Check.
10. Help the needy. Just kidding.
11. Steal the baby Jesus from a neighborhood Nativity display, take photos of the baby Jesus in incriminating situations. Still to do.

More Cute Names For Dogs Dressed In Christmas Outfits.

1. Collie Old Saint Nick
2. Bark, The Herald Angels Sing.(Seth came up with this one.)

I defy you to think of another.

Earlier: Time For Some Hilarious Christmas-Related Lists!