You know how people make mixes for road trips and stuff? Sure you do. Well, I’ve made the ultimate mix for everyday. Well, at least my day. And I’m going to share it so you can take a peek into what a day is like for a famous and awesome comedian like myself.
11am “Hurt” by Johnny Cash – I find this is a nice motivational song to start the day. Play it yourself first thing in the morning and see if you don’t agree with me.
Noon “I am a Scientist” by Guided By Voices- This is what I say when I call my temp agency to tell them I’m available to work. They haven’t believed me since they sent me to a Columbia Medical Lab with disastrous results.
1pm Free Play – This is where I take my first afternoon nap.
2pm “I Don’t Give a Fuck” by Peaches – I like a little attitude with my Subway value meal, thank you very much.
3pm “Space Oddity” by David Bowie - Just a great, great song to masturbate to.
4pm Free play – This is usually where I take my second afternoon nap.
5pm “Self Destruction” by The Stop the Violence All-Stars(KRS-One, Stetsasonic, Kool Moe Dee, et al.) I listen to this song at 5 because I think it’s a good time to remember…how easy it is to write a joke using a semi-forgotten pop culture reference as the punchline. You know who taught me that? The Snorks! Bada-bing, that was a twofer.*

Lazy comedians the world over salute you, noble Snorks
6pm “Ironman” by Black Sabbath – If you only pay attention to the title, you can trick yourself into thinking you’re training for a triathalon, rather than eating nachos.
7pm “Kick Out the Jams(live version)” by The MC5 - On most nights, I listen to this to get myself pumped up to perform at comedy show that will be watched by 8 people, 7 of whom are other comics on the bill.
9pm “These Are the Days” by 10,000 Maniacs - It’s either listen to this, or cut myself. This is much less messy.
10pm “Marquee Moon” by Television - Push play when you hear Rosanna Scotto’s name announced at the start of Fox 5 News. Then prepare to be blown away. (You need to take a lot of acid for this to work properly.)
11pm Speaker feedback – Still coming down.
Midnight – “Hung Up” by Madonna - To be totally honest, I could listen to this 12 times a day and not get sick of it.
1am “Baby Bitch” by Ween - If there’s a better song for pranking ex-girlfriends in the middle of the night, I’ve yet to hear it.
2am Anything From Here- Nothing in my life could be as depressing as this.
3am “The Hurricane” by Bob Dylan – I like to listen to this song right before bed because of its connection to an incredible story: It was playing the night I picked up a 35-year-old secretary in a hotel bar.
That’s the playlist. Sorry, it seemed like a much funnier idea when I started it. I will atone for it later.
*That Snorks joke was shamelessly stolen from the Yale Record.