Jack Kukoda

Hoo boy, sorry I didn’t post anything yesterday, but as my fellow fashionisters(the male form of fashionista) know, this is my busy time of year! That’s right, it’s New York Fashion Week. I don’t have to tell you fashionphiles just how hectic things can get for a socialite/budding designer like myself during this week, but in the event that some rubes stumble across this site, why don’t I give you a taste of my hectic, fabulous, schedule? Or should I say, “fashion-edule?” No. No, I should probably not say that.

7am Wake up
7:10am Coffee and laxative
7:30am Diarrhea so strong it gives me a headache
7:45am Fruit smoothie and coffee
8am More diarrhea, extra frothy this time from the smoothie
8:15am Shower
8:30am Put on one of the following outfits: (1)Marc Jacobs something or other, (2) Prada full body jumpsuit, or (3) Gucci’s new Fishing Net Shawl(that’s a big shawl made from an authentic Japanese fishing boat’s net. You know it’s authentic ’cause it’s got pieces of starfish on it.)
9am Morning meeting with like 20 gay guys to discuss my upcoming fashion line: “Jack by Jack”. Plan rest of day
9:30am More diarrhea
9:35am Wash ass in bathroom sink
10am Head downtown to super fabulous designer’s fashion show.
12pm Fashion show after-party.
1pm Get thrown out of party for asking DJ to play Hall and Oates song for 20th time.
1:30pm Have lunch at Balthazar or some such place(juice, fruit plate, asparagus, laxative)
2pm Spray Balthazar’s toilet bowl with jet black diarrhea
2:30pm Head back uptown for other fabulous fashion show
3:30pm Pass out at fashion show after drinking two magnums of champagne
5pm Wake up in bushes outside Bryant Park
5:30pm Eat street vendor hot dog out of desperate hunger
6pm Shit pants in cab downtown
6:30pm Shower
7pm Head to fabulous party
8pm Get into full on screaming match with DJ who won’t play “Rich Girl.”
8:05pm Attempt to strangel DJ with my fingerless gloves.
8:25pm Get maced by police
11pm Wake up sobbing in jail.
1am Finally fall asleep.

Yowza! And that’s just day one! Can’t wait to see what the rest of Fashion Week has in store. See you all soon, my fellow fashionophiliacs!

Previously: Fashion Rocks!

1. Crystal goblet
2. Scalding, and I mean SCALDING, coffee
3. Several Blackberries(I rubberband my Blackberries together like remote controls.)
4. Another servant
5. The bones of the Elephant Man(I won them in a poker game.)
6. A tube sock stuffed with billiard balls.
7. My own feces

Get your freaking collective act together, servants. I just bought a hot caramel maker. You want hot caramel thrown at you?! Then don’t leave my socks lying around anymore!

I have not slept for two straight days.

Here’s what I received for Christmas from various family members, friends, fans, and lovers, in no particular order.

1. Two Playstation 3’s - I make them fight each other like Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
2. A T-Rex Skeleton - I’m building my own museum. And then once it’s complete, I’m hoping some truly hilarious hijinks ensue!
3. A Coat Made of Peacock Feathers - Just try to ignore me now.
4. Some socks - Everybody needs socks.
5. A Cold that has all but incapacitated me and turned my brain to unfunny mush - This one is real.

Let’s see you do better with a fever and a mouth full of sores.

1. Butt Christmas
2. Poopy The Snowman
3. Shitty the Buttnosed Reindeer
4. Poop-a Claus is Coming to Town
5. (Just a Real Long Fart Noise)

Weird Al, if you try to steal any of these I will fucking cut you.

I think this may be the greatest thing I, or anyone in the history of the world, has ever written. You can take that to the bank, Senator Vernon Trent!

P.S. First person to identify who Vernon Trent is wins a copy of my scatalogical holiday song parody CD “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus(Diarrhea Remix ‘06)!

Happy Week After Thanksgiving, everybody! Guess what, I got you a present. It’s a brand new batch of the Kukoda.com Power Rankings!!!! I hope you’re not wearing expensive socks, because these Power Rankings are so awesome, they’re going to knock your socks so far off your feet, they’ll land in a pond two counties over. Enough chit chat, let’s get to those rankings!

1. My Nephew Emmett (previous week: not on the list) This is the first ever debut at number one in history of the Power Rankings. And that’s an illustrious history. It goes back a full three weeks! Emmett snagged the top spot after he sent in a video demanding to know why he wasn’t on it. Well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And talking babies take the top spot!

2. Sexy Teens (previous week: number 1) Calm down, sexy teens. I don’t want you to send me a bunch of letters complaining about dropping from the number one spot because that would take up precious time that could be spent being sexy. You just keep on keepin’ on and you’ll be back in the top spot in no time.

3. The movie Stealth (previous week: not on the list) Oh my God, have you seen this movie?! It’s freaking incredible. It’s about a talking plane that starts out good, then turns evil, then turns back to good after Josh Lucas reasons with it. Oh, and Jessica Biel fights half the North Korean army with nothing but a machine gun and her amazing ass. And Sam Shepard is in it. And the plane destroys itself at the end for no good reason. Rent that shit now!

4. Leftover Turkey Tacos (previous week: 2) Here’s a secret Kukoda family recipe: Tortillas, leftover turkey, gravy, cheese, mashed potatoes, stuffing. You know what to do. It’s only a matter of time before those KFC/Taco Bell hybrids start selling these under the name “Thanksgiving Gorditas.” Remember where you heard about it first.

5. Tie between the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres (previous week: not sure) The Sabres and the Bills both won yesterday, knocking off the Rangers and Jaguars respectively, and I watched both games in HD. Which brings me to number 6.

6. My Roommate’s New 42 inch Plasma TV (previous week: not on the list) Sweet Mary, mother of God, this thing is freaking awesome. My roommate’s girlfriend bought him a new TV last week and since then I’ve barely left the couch. It’s that good. I thought watching porno in my living room all day was cool before, but now that I’ve seen it in High Definition, I realize how much I was missing out. It’s like someone’s getting teabagged right in my living room!

7. Peter Cetera (previous week: not on the list) Peter Cetera had a very strong week. Plus, he sent me an autographed photo of him and the Moody Blues at Disney World. That’s got to count for something.

8. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 4) These are more addictive than crack mixed with wine.

9. The Episode of Drawn Together featuring Carlos Mencia (previous week: not on the list) This was like the dream team of lowbrow, racist, unfunny comedy. Kudos!

10. Basset Hounds (previous week: 5) No explanation here aside from the fact that I simply love Basset Hounds.

Well, there they are. Lots of newcomers this week. And some old favorites dropped from the ranking all together. I’m sure there will be lots of controversy. And as usual, feel free to leave your suggestions for the power rankings in the comments section.

Previously: Brand New Power Rankings

Wow, what a week! If you thought last week’s power rankings were crazy, then you are crazy, because compared to this week, last week’s power rankings were quite sane. So strap yourself into your straighjacket, you batshit loony bird, ’cause the Kukoda.com Power Rankings begin…now!

1. Sexy Teens (previous week: 3) I guess it was only a matter of time before Sexy Teens took over the number one spot. Honestly, have you ever tried to stop sexy teens? Impossible. They do as they please.

2. Tacos (previous week: 1) Yes, tacos are still delicious, but they couldn’t hold off sexy teens forever. This is the first time Tacos have been out of the number one spot on the rankings since last summer when I went to a county fair and Fried Dough took over the top spot.

3. The Buffalo Sabres (previous week: not on the list) Good God, do I love the Buffalo Sabres. They’re the only thing that’s keeping me going since the Bills are 3-6. I think I might get Sabretooth to come to my birthday party.

4. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 4) Oh my God, yesterday I saw this one of a kitten trying to stay awake, but he just couldn’t!!!!! It was so cute I shit in my pants!

5. Basset Hounds (previous week: 2) Basset hounds drop a few spots in the rankings because a dog peed on my leg over the weekend. No, it wasn’t a basset hound, but I’m still angry.

6. Chicken Finger Subs (previous week: not on the list) If you have never had a chicken finger sub, then you wouldn’t understand. I believe Naughty By Nature originally said that.

7. The Wayans Brothers (previous week: 5) It’s like some brilliant scientist cloned Carlos Mencia!!

8. Handjobs (previous week: not on the list) You know what, they’re not so bad.

9. School Plays Commemorating the First Thanksgiving (previous week: not on the list) If there’s anything cuter than little kids pretending to be savage Indians, I’ve yet to see it!

10. Sega (previous week: not on the list) Man, remember Sega? NHLPA ‘93?! Sonic the Hedgehog?! Shoving the cartridges up your butt and then running around the neighborhood?! That was a simpler time.

Previously: New Power Rankings!

It’s Wednesday and you know what that means: time to update the Kukoda.com Power Rankings!

1. Tacos (previous week:1) Everyone knows tacos are delicious and they don’t look to be giving up their number one ranking anytime soon!
2. Basset Hounds (previous week: 7) Show me a dog more adorable than the basset hound and I’ll show you a new number 2 on the Power Rankings!
3. Sexy Teens (previous week: 4) Sexy teens continue their march up the list! Can anything stop sexy teens? Let’s hope not!
4. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 10) I am an idiot and love these!
5. The Wayans Brothers (previous week: not on the list) See above.
6. The Maginot Line (previous week: 2) The Maginot Line drops 4 spots this week. That’s what happens when you can’t stop invading Nazis. Get your act together, Maginot Line, or you’ll be off the rankings altogether.
7. Pumpkins (previous week: not on the list) Pumpkins always make a strong surge this time of year.
8. My Parents (previous week: 3) Buy me a new iPod, mom and dad. Then we’ll talk.
9. The Buffalo Bills (previous week: 5) You are dangerously close to the Power Rankings cliff, Bills.
10. Mike Tyson (previous week: 9) He threatened to fight me if I didn’t keep him on.

Well, there they are. The latest Kukoda.com Powerrrrrrrr Rrrrrrrrrankings. (The extra r’s are so it sounds like a tiger is saying it.)

Feel free to leave your suggestions for additions to the Power Rankings!

1. Wooden Board (Karate competition)
2. Some Bricks (Blind anger)
3. A Mirror (Plastic surgery gone horribly wrong)
4. A Beaver Dam (The beavers know why)
5. Don Johnson’s Arm (Stole Melanie Griffith from me)
6. The Record for Breaking Things with One’s Bare Hands (Trying to be all meta)

I present: plot holes in the upcoming Wayans Brothers’ movie Little Man. I know, I know. What’s the point of detailing all the things wrong with this movie? It’s going to be a horrible piece of garbage. Why take it seriously? I’ll tell you why: Because I’ve got nowhere else to go. No wait, that’s why I put up with Lou Gosset Junior’s tough love when I was trying to get into Navy Flight school. Because I’ve got nothing better to do. That’s what I meant to say.

Here’s how IMDB summarizes Little Man in case you’re unfamiliar with it: “A wannabe dad (Shawn Wayans) mistakes a vertically challenged criminal on the lam (Marlon Wayans) as his newly adopted son.” That’s the whole plot. One joke for 90 minutes. Whoo boy, sounds like a crackerjack. Anyway, here’s why the whole thing wouldn’t work.

1. In one of the TV spots for the movie, you can clearly see that Marlon’s character has a tattoo on his left arm. That’s a definite tip-off that you’re dealing with a freakishly short criminal and not a baby.
2. Marlon’s character has Marlon Wayans’ face. Marlon Wayans does not look like a baby. Ridiculous!
3. If Marlon’s character were able to pass himself off as a baby this easily, he certainly would have tried it before. Like in cartoons where the baby in the stroller is actually a gangster, this would have been Marlon’s character’s M.O. from the beginning.
4. Marlon’s character is way too muscular to be a baby.
5. Marlon’s character has visible facial hair! What kind of baby has facial hair?
6. And most disturbing of all, why do I kind of, deep down want to see this movie? Why, oh God, why? Someone explain that one to me. And while you’re at it, can you walk me through the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest? How could a Disney movie based on a ride be that difficult to follow? I swear to God, I thought Geoffrey Rush was playing Orlando Bloom’s dad until afterwards the Lady told me that it was, in fact, Stellan Skarsgard. What? Was he even in the first movie? And how did he know Johnny Depp at the start of the movie? And what was with that gambling game with the dice they were playing? I couldn’t even figure that out. Ugh, I’m going to go watch White Chicks to feel better about myself. Even I can follow the plot of that one.

Here’s a link to the trailer. Let me know if you spot any other glaring problems.

1. Squirrel (Won)
2. Beagle (Won)
3. Small Deer (Draw)
4. Donkey (Won)
5. Mule (Lost)
6. Hippopotamus (Draw, but I think I was winning)
7. Giraffe (Lost)
8. Blue Whale (In progress)

I’ve got your number, slightly larger blue whale.

I’m heading to Cleveland tomorrow morning for the wedding of my good friends Paul and Sarah. And if there’s one request I get on this site more than “Write about Buffalo sports more,” it’s “What is proper wedding etiquette?” Well, I aim to please, so here are some handy tips to make your next wedding a success.

1. Don’t bring a hooker as your date. As much as you want to impress everybody by having the sexiest date at the wedding, I’ve found that hookers don’t make for the best conversationalists during dinner. Also, during the reception, for some reason they always request “The Chicken Dance.” Nobody likes the chicken dance.

2. If you’re making a toast, try to work in a quote from the movie Fletch. Man, nothing like a good Fletch reference to class up any event.

3. Don’t bring your own food and booze. Sure, you might think you’re helping the happy couple save money on the food with your bag of Wendy’s hamburgers and cooler of Keystone Light, but it ends up looking tacky.

4. Don’t ask where the make-your-own-taco bar is. Not everyone is wealthy enough to have a taco bar, complete with fixings station, at their wedding. No need to remind them of it.

5. Try to make out with anything that moves.

6. When you arrive at the wedding, slap your forehead in mock confusion and say, “Wedding?! I thought the invitation said sledding! Now what the fuck am I going to do with this toboggan?” Then smash your toboggan into pieces and run out of the building. Everyone will have a good laugh at that.

That’s all the tips I can think of right now. Hooray for weddings!

Hey fellas. Spring is upon us and you all know what that means: it’s nut-punching season. Ah spring, when harsh weather gives way to warm evenings, the iced tea flows like water, and nuts are punched. A lot of people have been emailing me to ask, “What’s the proper way to punch somebody in the nuts? Is there etiquette involved?”

What?! You bet your sweet nuts there’s etiquette involved when it comes to proper nut-punching! But don’t fret. Just follow these simple rules and your next nut-punching will be a super success.

1. Make sure you know the guy first. While anonymous nut-punches can be fun, you stand an excellent chance of getting yourself killed if you just punch some stranger’s nuts. Especially if he has friends around him.
2. Don’t take a running start. Sure, getting a head of steam ensures that you’ll get as much force behind your nut-punch as possible, but it’s looked down upon. Like calling too many fouls in a game of pickup basketball. Not against the rules, per se, but you’ll start to get a bad rep.
3. No foreign objects. As tempting as it may be to wrap your hands in gauze, dip them in glue, and then roll them in shards of glass or gravel, resist the urge to do so. There is no place in the hallowed tradition of nut punching for those Jean-Claude van Damme tactics. Just don’t do it.
4. No kicking. It’s called nut-punching for a reason. Duh.
5. No gloating. After you’ve successfully punched someone in the nuts, don’t be a jerk about it. Don’t jump up and down or going around collecting high-fives. Just walk away solemnly. You’ve done your job, no need to be a huge jerk about it.

That’s all. Happy Spring, everybody!

1. Let’s get this done.
2. This here, it needs to get done.
3. Won’t somebody get this over and done with?
4. I should really finish that.
5. (Fart Noise)
6. Hey everybody, if we all pitch in, we can get this done!
7. You, get done with that.
8. Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know in order to git ‘er done.

Screw you, Keats.

1. Get drunk and throw rocks at dinosaurs.
2. Leave a flaming bag of poop on Henry VIII’s doorstep.
3. Prank call Hitler.

That would teach ‘em!

P.S. Suck it, Camper Guy.

1. Dung Beetle
2. Poop Fish
3. Diarrhea Bear