Jack Kukoda

All right, listen up boys and girls ’cause I’m only going to say this once. Now, I know a lot of you probably think you’re pretty smart and there’s nothing you can learn from a guy like me, two time tae-kwan-do world champion and recovering alcoholic Jack Kukoda. But that’s where you’re wrong! I’ve done a lot of living in my life, but I’ve done even more learning. See what I did there? Never mind. Doesn’t matter. I didn’t come to your grade school today to impress you with my wordplay. I came here to talk to you about something important. Pouring hot coffee down your pants. And I’ve got one thing to say about that. Don’t do it.

You may not believe me, but there’s going to come a time in your life very soon when you are going to feel peer pressure to pour a scalding hot cup of joe right down your pants. Maybe it will happen at a party, maybe at diner with an unsupervised Bunn-O-Matic. Maybe it’s already happened to some of you. Don’t do it. You hear me? I know kids your age think it’s real cool to dump hot ass coffee-yeah, I just swore. Deal with it! Hot ass coffee down your trousers. It’s not cool. You think a burned ding-a-ling is cool? ‘Cause that’s what you’re gonna get if you pour that hot coffee down there.

I don’t care if someone dares you to do it. I don’t care if you think it’s going to impress that pretty girl that sits across from you in class. Fleeting popularity for dumping steaming java all over your privates is not worth it. It’s just not. It’s going to cause you all sorts of problems later in life. So you hear me, kids? Keep that coffee where it belongs and out of your pants. Any questions?

Yeah, you. What? No, don’t pour hot tea down your pants either. That is also bad.

Anyone else? Huh? Same goes for hot chocolate. Keep it out of there.

Any other questions? You, in the blue shirt. Were you not listening? I just answered a question about tea.

Look, kids, don’t pour any hot liquids down your pants to impress each other. It’s not worth it.

Take it from me, 8 time defending chess champion and current meth addict, Jack Kukoda. Also, see this rope? Don’t play with ropes like this. I can handle them because I’m a professional, but you, you stay away from ropes.