The NCAA tournament is only 45 minutes old and somehow I’m already down 22,000 dollars. Why do I always bet on the coin toss? There is no coin toss in basketball! Goddamn it, that one gets me every time.
Maybe I should just stick to those office pools where everyone just puts in 5 bucks. No, no then I wouldn’t feel the rush I get every time I bet the over/under on how many dunks there will be in a game. For the U Penn-Texas A&M game, I took the over with 74 dunks. I think that’s a good bet. I haven’t seen either team play all year, but from the sound of their mascot names, I think that game will see a minimum of 79 dunks.
I have a new betting strategy for this year: I’ve parlayed every game in the tournament. So if I guess every single game correctly, I win something like 8 trillion dollars. Nice! I could start my own version of NASA with that sort of money. And then I would take rocketship vacations to the moon! Or maybe I’d just buy some quality linemen for the goddamn Buffalo Bills. Or I would just buy a lot of fur coats. One thing I wouldn’t do with that money is give it to the poor. Because then the poor would get all cocky and start wearing fur coats-fur coats that should have been mine!-and stinking up fancy department stores. No way are the poor going to get like that on my watch.