There’s a good chance you’ve seen this already, but if not, you’re in for a treat. The best scenes from The Wicker Man, starring Nicholas Cage.
As far as I’m concerned there’s few things YouTube has to offer: old Kids In The Hall Sketches, Hockey Fights, Short Circuit-Dead Prez mash-ups, and now this. I think this is the winner.
Hey kids, so remember how I mentioned a while back that I was working on a project, but couldn’t really say much about it? Of course you remember that. I know you all memorize every post on this site like an army of Rain Men. Anyway, that project is the Onion News Network, the Onion’s new video newscast. Here’s one of the videos.
There should be about two new videos released every week. They will be glorious. Anyway, give them a look. And continue supporting our troops.
Full Onion Press Release after the, as they say, jump.
(Read on …)
I wrote another column for my friend Rich’s site this week. You can check it out here. I think it’s an example of the well-reasoned, intelligent discourse that is sorely missing in the world of Internet name-calling.
If you guys want to nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize, I think you can just Google “Nobel Prize Nominations” and it will take you to a form you can fill out. I’m pretty sure I’ve earned it.
Laina made this for me for my birthday. She is bored in Vermont and only has goats and Photoshop to keep her company. Thank God for that.
(Click for full size)
You may remember Laina’s earlier work with ponies and outer space. She’s really outdone herself this time.
Also, the good people over at Gawker asked me to make fun of a stranger yesterday and I happily obliged. I am so close to sainthood I can almost taste it.
Thanks to everyone who pitched in and got me this sweet camo suit for my birthday. You guys are the best.
This will make it much easier for me to creep about mossy swamps undetected.
And would it kill you to send me a goddamn e-card? I think I’ve made it clear many times that I desperately need attention.
I received my annual birthday care package from my mom yesterday. She’s pretty great at putting together care packages. One time on the phone I casually mentioned I was feeling sad and a few days later the mailman brought me a giant box full of potato chips and sponge candy. That was sweet. This time my mom sent me some Buffalo Sabres Chocolate hockey pucks, a couple of Jim’s Steakout T-shirts, some Buffalo postcards, and a button that says “All-Star Son” with a note that said, “Please keep and wear this.” Of course I will. How else will people know that I’m an all star son?
Anyway, feel free to send me all sorts of birthday wishes between now and my actual birthday tomorrow. And when I say ‘feel free,’ I mean it’s compulsory. I am starved for attention and if I think that people forgot my birthday I will throw a temper tantrum the likes of which you have never seen. And if you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, I’m registered on Ebay under Buffalo Bills zubaz. I know, I know. Bills zubaz are traditionally a fifth-anniversary gift, but I think we can break with tradition just this once. It’s for me, after all. Or you can just get me what I asked for last year since my friends dropped the ball on that one.
The NCAA tournament is only 45 minutes old and somehow I’m already down 22,000 dollars. Why do I always bet on the coin toss? There is no coin toss in basketball! Goddamn it, that one gets me every time.
Maybe I should just stick to those office pools where everyone just puts in 5 bucks. No, no then I wouldn’t feel the rush I get every time I bet the over/under on how many dunks there will be in a game. For the U Penn-Texas A&M game, I took the over with 74 dunks. I think that’s a good bet. I haven’t seen either team play all year, but from the sound of their mascot names, I think that game will see a minimum of 79 dunks.
I have a new betting strategy for this year: I’ve parlayed every game in the tournament. So if I guess every single game correctly, I win something like 8 trillion dollars. Nice! I could start my own version of NASA with that sort of money. And then I would take rocketship vacations to the moon! Or maybe I’d just buy some quality linemen for the goddamn Buffalo Bills. Or I would just buy a lot of fur coats. One thing I wouldn’t do with that money is give it to the poor. Because then the poor would get all cocky and start wearing fur coats-fur coats that should have been mine!-and stinking up fancy department stores. No way are the poor going to get like that on my watch.
Go sports!!!!
I don’t know if I’ve been blackballed by the industry or if my ‘look’ isn’t in anymore or what. All I know is my 18 cell phones used to ring all day long and that’s just not happening anymore. I’d get hundreds of offers a day for photoshoots in exotic locales to model everything from speedos to fur coats to just my own balls. Yes, I did some nude modeling here and there, but not because I needed the money. I just felt my balls were simply too beautiful not to be shared with the world. Check out the photospread in the March issue of Torso magazine if you don’t believe me.
The point is lately I haven’t been getting these offers. Maybe it’s because some people(cough,my competitors) have been spreading rumors that I’m “difficult to work with.” I am not difficult to work with. I am a perfectionist. I want to give my fans the best. So I’m not about to apologize for delaying a shoot 12 hours until the light was just right. My balls look best during the magic hour. That’s just how it is.
So anyway, if anyone out there is plugged into the modeling scene and knows why I’m not booking any gigs, can you please send me a note telling me why? There’s a couple of 8×10 glossies in it for you. Thanks!
Reign of Fire is about post-apocalyptic world in which dragons rule the skies and humans are forced to hide underground. It stars Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale. These are its problems.
1. The dragons’ diets consist solely of ash. This is explained in a little bit of expository narration at the start of the movie. Dragons burn everything so they can eat the resulting ash. Ash has almost no nutritional value. The notion that dragons that wiegh thousands of pounds could survive on a diet of ash alone is preposterous.
2. Christian Bale is the leader of the English resistance against the dragons because he was one of the first people to see the dragons when he was a child. He has no other qualifications besides that.
3. Christian Bale has no plans to defeat the dragons. His entire leadership consists of making sure all the humans he knows hide underground away from the dragons. When Matthew McConaughey arrives in England from America, he stuns Christian Bale by informing him that, yes, dragons can be killed.
4. Matthew McConaughey travels from America to England in a helicopter. I am pretty sure helicopters cannot cross the Atlantic.
5. Dragons hibernate for periods of thousands of years, which is why nobody had seen them since the Middle Ages. I doubt ash would provide enough sustenance to support a hibernation spanning thousands of years.
That’s all I can think of right now. But I’m writing an article about Reign of Fire for The Economist, so I plan on doing some more research.
Previously: Plot Holes In The Movie Little Man
I posted a link to this the other day, but now it’s in YouTube format so everyone should be able to see it. Check it out.
Hey kids! My friend and fellow hockey fan Ritch Duncan asked me to write a weekly column about being a Buffalo Sabres fan for his website American Hockey Fan. You can check it out here. Go read it even if you don’t like hockey or Buffalo or me. It’s that good. And I believe I’ll be doing a weekly column over there so that should be fun.
Also, check this out.(Quicktime Required) It makes Armageddon look like…look like…uh…oh boy…something less scary and explosive than Armageddon? Like the total opposite of Armageddon, you know? A period piece, maybe? Like Pride and Prejudice? I’m no good at similes. Anyway, give it a look.
I know sometimes it’s difficult to stand up for what you believe in today’s crazy, MTV world, but it’s also necessary. Now I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey old man, don’t lay your civics lesson on us! We just want to smoke drugs and get down on our Playstations.” Well tough luck, Buster. Because I have something important to tell all you young people. So stop doing whatever it is young people do these days and listen up. Racism is wrongism. See what I did there? I took a word and made it sort of sound like another word. That’s so you’ll remember the lesson.
I know firsthand how wrong racism can be. My entire family was killed by racism. Luckily I wasn’t in the house at the time, but sometimes I wish I were, just so I wouldn’t miss them. I’ll never forget the sound of the sirens as I rushed over to my house, only to see it ravaged by racism. Watching in vain as the racism-fighters carried my family out. If I close my eyes, I can feel the heat from the racism. It’s almost like I’m right there, the racist flames licking my face. Wait, that was a fire. Not racism. Whoops.
Anyway, my point is get a smoke detector and check its batteries often. Don’t let racism happen to you.
It’s part of a guerilla marketing campaign to stop people from smoking. It’s kind of like those “Truth” adds but we’re even more sanctimonious and obnoxious. Basically, whenever I see someone smoking, I run up to them and fart into a megaphone. Then I say, “Now that I’ve got your attention, I’d like to tell you why tobacco companies are bad. Usually people just say to me, “Did you just fart into that megaphone?” And I say, “That’s not important, what’s important is that tobacco kills more people than sharks and seat belts combined.” And they’re all, “No, seriously, did you just fart into a megaphone? I’m repulsed, yet impressed by your ability to fart on command.” And then while they’re talking I grab their cigarettes and run away.
It feels good to be making a difference.
I’ve been running this site for over a year now all by myself and I’ve finally decided I can’t do it all on my own. So I am officially accepting applications for an internship. Here’s what your duties will include:
1. Interning - This is your first and foremost responsibility. If I say, “Get over here and do some interning. And when you’re done, go intern my kitchen.” Well then, you better do it.
2. Procuring drugs for me - I assume my intern will be a college or high school student and everyone knows those are the two groups who know how to get drugs. I’m getting a little too old to get them for myself. The other night I went up to some guys in a club and asked them if they knew where to buy some smoke. I told them I was hip to the scene and me and my skateboard buddies just wanted to get a little lifted while gleaming the cube. They called me a narc and punched me in the dick. So if you can’t get me drugs don’t even bother applying.
3. Teaching me to dance - I would just like to learn to dance.
4. Constantly telling me I look like a young Nick Nolte - Just for my ego.
5. Heavy Lifting - Occasionally, I will ask you to move a series of extremely heavy boxes from one end of the room to the other end. Later, I will ask you to move them back. This process will repeat itself until you learn the lesson I am trying to impart to you. (Here’s a hint: It’s about karate)
Those are all the requirements I can think of. If you’d like to be my intern, just email me at jack(at)kukoda.com. Put “Satisfy Her All Night? Now You Can, Mr. Huge Cock!” in the subject line so I’ll know it’s important.
