Jesus Christ in a sun dress, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything, huh? But I do have good reasons.
1. I am lazy. I know this might not seem like a good excuse, but that’s because you don’t realize exactly how lazy I am. The other day I got some sauce from a meatball sub on my face and rather than go to the bathroom to wash it off, I bought a dog online. Then when the dog arrived, I had him lick the sauce off my face. Then the dog started fucking up my apartment, so I had to order a wolf online to whip that dog into shape. Then the wolf got out of hand and-well, let’s just say my apartment is like a freaking menagerie of underfed and extremely angry animals. So that has been a problem.
2. It was the holidays. I do not work during the holidays. Ask my boss. Actually, don’t ask my boss because I told him that I had Hepatitis C and couldn’t come into work. But I don’t really have Hepatits C. Or maybe I do. I stick my finger into a lot of pay phone slots so I’ve lost count of how many hypadermic needles I’ve been pricked with. Urban leged, my ass that shit is true. Also, I perform a lot of citizen’s arrests and before patting down a perp, I always forget to ask them if they have any needles on them or anything that might cut me. Sure enough, about half of them have needles in their pockets, poised to strike. Why do I even watch COPS if I’m not going to follow their procedure. Oh right, because COPS is still the best fucking show on television. Choke on it, Sorkin!
3. I had been very busy. This one is real. Lately, I’ve had a number of offers to submit writing packets to various comedy outlets. Some have led to work, some have not. I’ve also been meeting with agents and stuff, which is kind of cool, but instead of simply handing me a giant bag of money, they just want to see what ideas I have. What? That’s bullshit! Give me the sack of money first and then I’ll tell you my ideas. I’m pretty sure that’s standard business policy. Businessmen, back me up on this.
Anyway, I’m feeling a little rusty when it comes to writing this site. But, I also feel rejuvenated! Hurrah! Like I’ve been given an enema. But not one of those cheap do it yourself at home enemas you buy right before you get into some felching with a bunch of people you just met at a Gwar concert. I’m talking about the high colonics you pay good money for. Yeah, that kind.
So I’ll be back to my regular schedule of writing for this site everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. And I don’t get into much earnestness on this site, but I do want to thank all the people that comment on this site or email me to tell me about something they like, or forward something I’ve written on to their friends. So thanks. Okay, enough earnestness.
Oh, and sort of keeping with my idea of marking the one-year anniversary of this site, here are my favorite posts from the month of January 2006. Enjoy.
I got screwed not once, but actually twice in January ‘06.
Drugs are bad.
Not my best nickname, but okay nonetheless.
I’m not picky. Really, any drugs you have lying around would be fine. I’m not one of those people that asks for free drugs and then turns around and complains about the quality of those drugs. I understand that when you beg for drugs, you take what you can get.