Jack Kukoda

Hey you. Yeah, you, the guy with all the ponies. I know those ponies are out of control. I know that you don’t know what to do with them. I understand that maybe you started out with one or two ponies and then they bred and now you’ve got a house-full or a ranch-full or ponies messing up your house. Or maybe you have enough room for the ponies, but you’re just sick of having them around. Doesn’t matter. Because I’m here to help. And here’s how: by eating your ponies.

That’s right. I’ll eat them. No expensive euthanizing of them, no extravagant shooting of those ponies into space, no driving those ponies out into the woods and then leaving them there. Those days are over. And here’s the best part: I come to you. You don’t need to FedEx your superfluous ponies to me. No, sir. I bring my pony-eating services right to your door. You pay the travel expenses, I eat the ponies. That’s what’s called a business partnership.

Now, I’m sure you’ve got a couple questions like “How long does it take you to eat the pony?” or “Are there bones leftover or you eat those, too?” and finally, “How much does it cost?” Listen, don’t you worry your pretty little head about any of those questions. As for how long it takes me to eat a pony the answer is: until I’m finished. Each pony is different. There’s no set amount of time it takes and if I told you there was, well, I’d be a liar. And no, there will be no bones leftover. Don’t ask me how I do this, just trust that I do. When I’m done with your pony, the only thing left of him will be the photos you took. And, if you like, I’ll eat those, too. As for how much this costs, you pay what you can. I didn’t get into the pony-eating business for profit. I did it because it’s the right thing to do.

You know where to reach me. Right here. I look forward to serving you. And eating your ponies.

Update: The very talented Laina sent me some photos of ponies being launched into space.

The days of launching ponies into space via catapult are over. Call me today!