Does Anyone Want To Take Me To The Super Bowl?
I know, I know. Super Bowl tickets are pretty hard to come by. Why should you take a complete stranger like me? Well, first off, after the plane ride down together we won’t be strangers anymore because I’ll talk your fucking ear off. Want to hear all about how my 8th grade basketball team won the Diocesan championship? Then you’re in luck, because I like to tell that story. Same goes for that time in high school when I saw that horse. You’ll hear all about that one. Not interested in all the pets my family’s had since I was a kid, as well as their names? Tough luck, because you’re going to hear about them.
Bam. There you go. We aren’t strangers anymore. Problem number one solved. What else might keep you from taking me to the Super Bowl? What’s that? You say you already promised the tickets to a friend/loved one/business associate? Well, that’s a good plan if you want to be unoriginal. Everyone takes those people to the Super Bowl. Why not take the lead singer of a mariachi band or a kid in a wheelchair? Because those are both costumes I own and would be happy to dress in if you take me to the Super Bowl. Think you’ll have to stand in line at a Super Bowl party? Not if you’re with a mariachi band or a wheelchair-bound kid. Tell the bouncer I’ve got cancer and my last wish is to hang out with Chris Berman and listen to him tell stories about the maverick days of ESPN and that one time he farted. Or that other time that he farted. It’s a rich tapestry with that man, you really can’t go wrong. The point I’m trying to make is Me plus Wheelchair equals You breezing through the line at a Super Bowl party. Let’s make that math happen.
Okay, so we’ve gotten those concerns out of the way. What else could be preventing you from taking me to the Super Bowl? The fact that you don’t like me? Well, life isn’t fair. Maybe I don’t like you. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to. But I’m willing to look past all that and put petty differences aside if it will mean a trip to the Super Bowl. So send me an email and let me know where your seats are. I’ll pick the winner based on who’s got the best seats. And if you think I’m sitting anywhere past the 40 yard line you are out of your freaking mind.
