Wasting Money Is Fun
I just realized today I haven’t watched a new Netflix movie in about 4 months. I know that’s not very original. Lots of people leave their Netflix accounts dormant, unable to bring themselves to watch the director’s cut of Maria Full of Grace that sits on top of their DVD player, daring them to watch a heart-wrenching immigrant’s tale. But it’s new for me. I used to watch on average at least 15 Netflix movies per month. I took it as a challenge to watch them as quickly as possible and get them back in the mail. But no longer. They keep taking my money and I get nothing for it. I might as well dig a hole in the ground and bury my money in it. That’s what my mom used to say when I was a kid and would break a toy or beg for something new I certainly didn’t need. “You need another video game? I just bought you a video game. Why don’t I just dig a whole in the parking lot, throw all my money in and pave over it?” I believe that is a direct quote from a Buffalo-area Toys ‘R Us, circa 1990.
Anyhow, I’ve realized Netflix isn’t the only subscription service I’m currently wasting money on. Here’s the rest.
1. Pudding of the Month Club - I pay 40 dollars a month to have a 25 gallon barrel of a different pudding flavor delivered to my apartment every month. No idea why. I don’t even remember signing up for it. And the human body can only consume about a half pint of pudding a day, so even if I eat as much as I can I’m wasting approximately 23 gallons of pudding per month. Need to cancel this.
2. Extremely Perishable Cheeses by Mail - Not once has one of these arrived suitable for consumption.
3. Hookers by Crook - This is a service that delivers hookers to your apartment directly through the window. The have a big crook they use to get them up here. Actually, this one is pretty amazing.
4. Asskickings Delivered to Your Door - For some reason I pay 200 bucks a month to have a karate master come to my house and beat the ever living shit out of me.
5. Farts in a Bottle - This one is fairly self-explanatory. For 20 dollars a month Farts in a Bottle will send you a hermetically sealed bottle containing a human fart. How they make money is beyond me.
Okay, so that’s where all my money is going. Well, that and the drugs, since nobody wanted to give me any free ones. Some friends you are.
