Jack Kukoda

Oh man, sorry I haven’t blogged at you jerks in a while, but I’ve got a pretty good excuse this time. Damn, that sentence just took me 5 minutes to write. But that’s what happens when you’ve got to type with your nose. Why am I typing with my nose? Let me back up and tell you all about it.

Sunday afternoon I went to the Bills-Jets game out at that shithole of a swamp of a stadium that is known as The Meadowlands. It’s a great place…for jerks! Anyway, I was in the parking lot, getting wasted on blackberry schnapps and blackberry wine(what can I say, I love blackberries!) having a great time. Everytime a Jets fan walked by I would yell that line about the Meadowlands being a great place (pause) for jerks. A lot of parents didn’t appreciate it, but I don’t go out and get obscenely drunk at NFL games for other people’s parents. I do it for my own. Because it makes them proud.

Again, I digress. After the game, which the Bills won 31-17, thank you very much, I was heading back to my car when some guy threw one of those plastic bottles at me. I don’t know if it’s because I was singing the Bills Shout song at the top of my lungs or if it was because I had put a Jets jersey on a blow up doll and was pretending to make love to it the whole time I was walking back to my car, but I had somehow angered this gentleman.

I turned around and asked him what his problem was. And he said, “I’m looking at it.” (He was looking at me) The whole crowd oohed and aahed. He was waiting for me to make the next move. So I calmly said, “I’m not looking for trouble. I just came to watch a football game and act like a drunken jackass.” Then I grabbed a handful of sand from the sand I keep in pockets just for occasions like this and I threw the sand right in his face! “Kickboxer style!” I screamed. He dropped to his knees, totally blind and that’s when I made my move. I ran up punched him in the side of the head, then dumped a whole bunch of sand down the back of his shirt(that itches like crazy.) Then I made a pretend fart noise with my mouth and declared myself king of the Meadowlands.

Needless to say, the rest of the Jets fans who witnessed this beat me absolutely senseless, breaking both my arms and legs. So that’s why I didn’t write anything yesterday and why I’m writing this with my nose. True story.

Update: Oh, and I’ll be back at the Meadowlands tonight to watch the Sabres-Devils game. I’ll be the guy in the Schoenfeld jersey calling everyone around me a “fat pig.” Speaking of which, enjoy that Schony classic below. He was even coaching the Devils at the time. If you’re at the game, buy us a beer!