Thanksgiving Recipes You Can Use!
Hey everyone! I know what you’re thinking: “I have to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people on Thursday and I don’t know where to start.” Well calm down, you whiny asshole, ’cause Jack Kukoda is here to help. I present to you my recipe for the Bearduckelope. That’s an antelope, wrapped in a genetically-modified duck, wrapped in a bear. I guarantee nobody at your Thanksgiving dinner will have had one of these before. And if they tell you they have, you can slap them in the mouth because they’re goddamn liars. Anyway, Thanksgiving isn’t a time for casual swearing and motherfucking violence, so let’s put a stop to that just get to the recipe.
Prep Time: About a 6 months. Cook Time: Depends on how rare you like your bear.
Ingredients:
1 Bear, gutted and de-furred
1 Genetically-modified duck, gutted and feathers removed
1 Antelope who has been fed nothing but cheddar cheese pretzel Combos for 6 months(it’s for the stuffing)
Orange juice
Vodka
Jam that antelope into the giant duck. Then take that duck and cram it into that bear. Put the whole thing into a huge baking pan. Put it in an oven and cook for at least 10 hours on 400 degrees. While it’s cooking, take the orange juice and vodka and have yourself a screwdriver ’cause the holidays are stressful enough! Am I right, gals?! You bet your ass I am!
P.S. Laina, can you please photoshop a Bearduckelope for me? I will return your tupperware.
Update: Oh, boy. Okay. Laina sent me a picture of what a Bearduckelope looks like.
Frankly, I think this picture is so absolutely ridiculously wrong that I don’t know where to start. First of all, that doesn’t look at all like something I would want to eat. Second of all, why is that bear growling at the Bearduckelope? And what’s a Bearduckelope doing out in the wild to begin with? It belongs on a Thanksgiving table. God, I’m so upset now I don’t know what to do with myself.
Related: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid
