Did I Ever Tell You Guys About The Time In College When I Was Sexually Assaulted By Amy Grant?
Yes, that Amy Grant. Christian pop music sensation, my ass! More like drunken-college-student-raping music sensation. I don’t know why I decided to tell everyone about this since I’ve kept it a secret for 5 years now, but I think it’s about time the truth about Amy Grant came out.
Let me set the scene for you. It was April of 2001, my junior year of college, and my fraternity was holding its annual All-Nude Male Mud Wrestling Revue.(And yes, me and all my fraternity brothers got naked and wrestled each other in the mud, but that doesn’t make us gay. It was all for charity. God, people can be so closed-minded sometimes.) Anyway, I had just finished wrestling my fraternity bro and best friend Ames Wayburn. I won the match after making him submit by jamming both my thumbs in his butt hole.(Again, not gay. The two-thumb butt-jammer is a perfectly legal move in wrestling.) After the match, I went over the hose on the side of the house to wash off and drink some Icehouse beer.
After I got cleaned up, I heard someone’s voice say, “You really know your way around a wrestling full of mud. Nice to meet you. I’m Amy Grant.” It was a good thing my shorts were still covered in mud because when I realized I was talking to the Amy Grant, I shit in my pants. “Nice to meet you, Amy,” I stammered. “Can you wait here for a second? I have to go change my pants. Not because I shit in them, just because they’re covered in mud.” She totally bought it so I ran up to my room and changed into some overalls.(Overalls were making a slight comeback at this point.)
Amy and I chatted all night. I was drinking Icehouse and she was having non-alcoholic wine. I figured she wasn’t drinking because she’s a Christian and all that, but I realized later it was just so she could have all her faculties in tact when she took advantage of me later.
The rest of the night is pretty hazy, but I remember at one point she asked if we could go up to my room to see the posters of scantily clad women advertising malt liquor that I had been bragging about all night. But once we got up there, posters were the last thing on her mind. The details are still too painful to relate in full, but let’s just say that over the course of the night I was on the receiving end of a rather forceful donkey punch from Amy Grant.
After it was all over, she gave me her email address and told me to get in touch with her. I tried and tried, but the emails kept getting sent back. Goddamn you, Amy Grant.
By the way, the YouTube version of Rusty the Audio Repairman video is up now. Go watch it.
Related: Did I Ever Tell You Guys About That Time I Killed A Wild Boar?
