Jack Kukoda

Hey there, everyone. You may have noticed I wasn’t up to the task of writing yesterday. But I had a legitimately good reason. I was hosting an event for one of the many charities I work with. Yesterday it was for “Fares that Care,” which is a charity that takes old subway Metrocards and makes clothing out of them for homeless people. Metrocards are totally waterproof so they make excellent ponchos. Fares that Care isn’t to be confused with Hair that Cares, which is another charity I’m active in. Nor is it to be confused with “Lairs for Bears,” which is a non-profit that provides temporary cave-like housing to bears that were displaced during Hurricane Katrina. Before I got involved with Lairs for Bears, I had no idea that homeless bears were such a problem. But they are. For realz.

But I guess the charity I’m most proud of is the one I started myself. The name of it can be found below in rebus form. First person to correctly identify that rebus gets a coupon for one very innapropriate back massage from yours truly. Happy guessing!

Hurry up with those guesses. This massage oil is heating up!

Previously: Name Game

Happy Week After Thanksgiving, everybody! Guess what, I got you a present. It’s a brand new batch of the Kukoda.com Power Rankings!!!! I hope you’re not wearing expensive socks, because these Power Rankings are so awesome, they’re going to knock your socks so far off your feet, they’ll land in a pond two counties over. Enough chit chat, let’s get to those rankings!

1. My Nephew Emmett (previous week: not on the list) This is the first ever debut at number one in history of the Power Rankings. And that’s an illustrious history. It goes back a full three weeks! Emmett snagged the top spot after he sent in a video demanding to know why he wasn’t on it. Well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And talking babies take the top spot!

2. Sexy Teens (previous week: number 1) Calm down, sexy teens. I don’t want you to send me a bunch of letters complaining about dropping from the number one spot because that would take up precious time that could be spent being sexy. You just keep on keepin’ on and you’ll be back in the top spot in no time.

3. The movie Stealth (previous week: not on the list) Oh my God, have you seen this movie?! It’s freaking incredible. It’s about a talking plane that starts out good, then turns evil, then turns back to good after Josh Lucas reasons with it. Oh, and Jessica Biel fights half the North Korean army with nothing but a machine gun and her amazing ass. And Sam Shepard is in it. And the plane destroys itself at the end for no good reason. Rent that shit now!

4. Leftover Turkey Tacos (previous week: 2) Here’s a secret Kukoda family recipe: Tortillas, leftover turkey, gravy, cheese, mashed potatoes, stuffing. You know what to do. It’s only a matter of time before those KFC/Taco Bell hybrids start selling these under the name “Thanksgiving Gorditas.” Remember where you heard about it first.

5. Tie between the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres (previous week: not sure) The Sabres and the Bills both won yesterday, knocking off the Rangers and Jaguars respectively, and I watched both games in HD. Which brings me to number 6.

6. My Roommate’s New 42 inch Plasma TV (previous week: not on the list) Sweet Mary, mother of God, this thing is freaking awesome. My roommate’s girlfriend bought him a new TV last week and since then I’ve barely left the couch. It’s that good. I thought watching porno in my living room all day was cool before, but now that I’ve seen it in High Definition, I realize how much I was missing out. It’s like someone’s getting teabagged right in my living room!

7. Peter Cetera (previous week: not on the list) Peter Cetera had a very strong week. Plus, he sent me an autographed photo of him and the Moody Blues at Disney World. That’s got to count for something.

8. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 4) These are more addictive than crack mixed with wine.

9. The Episode of Drawn Together featuring Carlos Mencia (previous week: not on the list) This was like the dream team of lowbrow, racist, unfunny comedy. Kudos!

10. Basset Hounds (previous week: 5) No explanation here aside from the fact that I simply love Basset Hounds.

Well, there they are. Lots of newcomers this week. And some old favorites dropped from the ranking all together. I’m sure there will be lots of controversy. And as usual, feel free to leave your suggestions for the power rankings in the comments section.

Previously: Brand New Power Rankings

Is what I would call a conical-shaped basket full of dirty magazines. I got that joke from 1,001 Truly Tasteless Kids Jokes. That’s a book for kids written by the cartoonists at Hustler. Real classy. Would make an excellent gift for a niece or nephew.

Anyway, I’m wrapping up early for Thanksgiving today. But before I go I want to thank Bfloblog and Buffalo Pundit for linking here this week. That was sweet. And if you’re just coming to this site, I suggest you start in the Blatant Lies category to get an idea of the bullshit that goes on around here. Or you can read these, which is sort of a best-of, but not really. And if you’re coming from one of those Buffalo sites, here’s a nice round-up of Buffalo-centric posts I’ve done here.

I should have some more videos, performance and otherwise, to add to the site soon so that will be fun. Hurray! Have a great holiday, dickfaces!*

*Dickface is the traditional Indian word for an honored or revered person. Go ahead, look it up, dickface.

Hey everyone! I know what you’re thinking: “I have to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people on Thursday and I don’t know where to start.” Well calm down, you whiny asshole, ’cause Jack Kukoda is here to help. I present to you my recipe for the Bearduckelope. That’s an antelope, wrapped in a genetically-modified duck, wrapped in a bear. I guarantee nobody at your Thanksgiving dinner will have had one of these before. And if they tell you they have, you can slap them in the mouth because they’re goddamn liars. Anyway, Thanksgiving isn’t a time for casual swearing and motherfucking violence, so let’s put a stop to that just get to the recipe.

Prep Time: About a 6 months. Cook Time: Depends on how rare you like your bear.

Ingredients:
1 Bear, gutted and de-furred
1 Genetically-modified duck, gutted and feathers removed
1 Antelope who has been fed nothing but cheddar cheese pretzel Combos for 6 months(it’s for the stuffing)
Orange juice
Vodka

Jam that antelope into the giant duck. Then take that duck and cram it into that bear. Put the whole thing into a huge baking pan. Put it in an oven and cook for at least 10 hours on 400 degrees. While it’s cooking, take the orange juice and vodka and have yourself a screwdriver ’cause the holidays are stressful enough! Am I right, gals?! You bet your ass I am!

P.S. Laina, can you please photoshop a Bearduckelope for me? I will return your tupperware.

Update: Oh, boy. Okay. Laina sent me a picture of what a Bearduckelope looks like.

Frankly, I think this picture is so absolutely ridiculously wrong that I don’t know where to start. First of all, that doesn’t look at all like something I would want to eat. Second of all, why is that bear growling at the Bearduckelope? And what’s a Bearduckelope doing out in the wild to begin with? It belongs on a Thanksgiving table. God, I’m so upset now I don’t know what to do with myself.

Related: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

Yes, that Amy Grant. Christian pop music sensation, my ass! More like drunken-college-student-raping music sensation. I don’t know why I decided to tell everyone about this since I’ve kept it a secret for 5 years now, but I think it’s about time the truth about Amy Grant came out.

Let me set the scene for you. It was April of 2001, my junior year of college, and my fraternity was holding its annual All-Nude Male Mud Wrestling Revue.(And yes, me and all my fraternity brothers got naked and wrestled each other in the mud, but that doesn’t make us gay. It was all for charity. God, people can be so closed-minded sometimes.) Anyway, I had just finished wrestling my fraternity bro and best friend Ames Wayburn. I won the match after making him submit by jamming both my thumbs in his butt hole.(Again, not gay. The two-thumb butt-jammer is a perfectly legal move in wrestling.) After the match, I went over the hose on the side of the house to wash off and drink some Icehouse beer.

After I got cleaned up, I heard someone’s voice say, “You really know your way around a wrestling full of mud. Nice to meet you. I’m Amy Grant.” It was a good thing my shorts were still covered in mud because when I realized I was talking to the Amy Grant, I shit in my pants. “Nice to meet you, Amy,” I stammered. “Can you wait here for a second? I have to go change my pants. Not because I shit in them, just because they’re covered in mud.” She totally bought it so I ran up to my room and changed into some overalls.(Overalls were making a slight comeback at this point.)

Amy and I chatted all night. I was drinking Icehouse and she was having non-alcoholic wine. I figured she wasn’t drinking because she’s a Christian and all that, but I realized later it was just so she could have all her faculties in tact when she took advantage of me later.

The rest of the night is pretty hazy, but I remember at one point she asked if we could go up to my room to see the posters of scantily clad women advertising malt liquor that I had been bragging about all night. But once we got up there, posters were the last thing on her mind. The details are still too painful to relate in full, but let’s just say that over the course of the night I was on the receiving end of a rather forceful donkey punch from Amy Grant.

After it was all over, she gave me her email address and told me to get in touch with her. I tried and tried, but the emails kept getting sent back. Goddamn you, Amy Grant.

By the way, the YouTube version of Rusty the Audio Repairman video is up now. Go watch it.

Related: Did I Ever Tell You Guys About That Time I Killed A Wild Boar?

Hey Kukoda.comsters! By the way, that’s what I call all of you. Why? Because I’m a jackass. Anyway, I’ll be running around all day so I won’t be able to post. But I’ve been working on a ton of projects lately and I’m hoping one of them will pay off. More on that later. In the meantime, I suggest you spend your entire workday watching videos on this site. A good place to start would be with “Murshaq” or “My Year With the Dragon.” Enjoy!

Sick Animation.com

Apparently my seven-week old nephew Emmett is upset he was left off both editions of the Kukoda.com Power Rankings so he had his mom and dad send me this video. I have to say, he makes some pretty good points.

And here is a Google Video version if you can’t see the above.

That Quizno’s baby has nothing on this kid. Clare, you’re a special effects whiz.

Here’s another video from a recent performance at Hot Tub, my favorite show in the city. It’s moved to Comix now and they’ve got an awesome lineup for their show tomorrow night. You should check it out.

I’ll be putting this on YouTube later, too.

Update: Well, it’s up. All that’s left to do is sit back and wait for all the Cable Guy fans to call me a fag. Yay.

Wow, what a week! If you thought last week’s power rankings were crazy, then you are crazy, because compared to this week, last week’s power rankings were quite sane. So strap yourself into your straighjacket, you batshit loony bird, ’cause the Kukoda.com Power Rankings begin…now!

1. Sexy Teens (previous week: 3) I guess it was only a matter of time before Sexy Teens took over the number one spot. Honestly, have you ever tried to stop sexy teens? Impossible. They do as they please.

2. Tacos (previous week: 1) Yes, tacos are still delicious, but they couldn’t hold off sexy teens forever. This is the first time Tacos have been out of the number one spot on the rankings since last summer when I went to a county fair and Fried Dough took over the top spot.

3. The Buffalo Sabres (previous week: not on the list) Good God, do I love the Buffalo Sabres. They’re the only thing that’s keeping me going since the Bills are 3-6. I think I might get Sabretooth to come to my birthday party.

4. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 4) Oh my God, yesterday I saw this one of a kitten trying to stay awake, but he just couldn’t!!!!! It was so cute I shit in my pants!

5. Basset Hounds (previous week: 2) Basset hounds drop a few spots in the rankings because a dog peed on my leg over the weekend. No, it wasn’t a basset hound, but I’m still angry.

6. Chicken Finger Subs (previous week: not on the list) If you have never had a chicken finger sub, then you wouldn’t understand. I believe Naughty By Nature originally said that.

7. The Wayans Brothers (previous week: 5) It’s like some brilliant scientist cloned Carlos Mencia!!

8. Handjobs (previous week: not on the list) You know what, they’re not so bad.

9. School Plays Commemorating the First Thanksgiving (previous week: not on the list) If there’s anything cuter than little kids pretending to be savage Indians, I’ve yet to see it!

10. Sega (previous week: not on the list) Man, remember Sega? NHLPA ‘93?! Sonic the Hedgehog?! Shoving the cartridges up your butt and then running around the neighborhood?! That was a simpler time.

Previously: New Power Rankings!

Hey, remember when I was going to post videos on this site all the time? Well, I’m starting again. Slowly. Here’s a video from a recent performance I did. Enjoy.

If you can’t see the video, I’ll be putting it on YouTube later on.

Update: The YouTube Version is above.

Hey everyone! Sorry for not posting today but I’m away from my computer. I’m having my balls photographed for Awesome Balls Magazine. That’s a magazine about awesome balls. Make sure you pick up the double holiday issue. That’s double the balls just in time for Christmas!

Hey kids, it’s me, Radical Jack. And I’m here to tell you how awesomely cool voting is! Man, voting is like a a vert ramp, a Hot Pocket, and an Xbox all rolled into one! So get out there and do your cool civic duty by voting.

I won’t be voting today, unfortunately, as convicted felons are not allowed to vote in this state. Actually, convicted felons can vote, but thrice-convicted felons cannot. How did I end up getting convicted of three felonies? Well, there’s no easy answer. Actually, there is: drugs. More specifically, Franzia Dust. That’s angel dust mixed with box wine. Sweet Christ on a cracker, I cannot control myself when it comes to the Franzia Dust. I’ve lost count of the number of relationships and furniture I’ve destroyed when that demon gets a hold of me.

But I haven’t lost count of the felonies I’ve commited. That number is three. And that’s very easy to remember because I have to wear three different ankle bracelets that track my every move. If I want to go to the store just to buy nachos, I’ve got to notify like a billion federal agencies. But does that stop me from buying nachos? Shit no, homes. You’d have to saw my legs off to keep me from buying nachos. Speaking of which, one of the crimes I’m accused of committing is threatening to saw the legs off of my neighbor because he refused to turn his stereo down. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually do it. The police came before I could break into his apartment. It’s actually a funny story. Turns out his stereo wasn’t on at all. But I had been up snorting Franzia Dust for three days straight and was convinced that he was playing Frank Zappa at ungodly levels.

Anyway, the point of all this was to tell you to vote. I won’t tell you which party to vote for, but I do recommend voting NO on Proposition 219, which would prevent thrice-convicted felons from renting cars. If that shit gets passed, I’ll never see Montreal in Autumn. Keep Hertz alive.

Remember almost a year ago when I found out my borderline-crazy parents were dressing their dogs up in Halloween costumes? Yes, you do. Everyone who reads this blog can recite all the posts I’ve done by heart. Well, they’re back at it again!

My sister went home this weekend and sent me some shocking footage. When I commit my parents to the old folks home against their will, these photos will be exhibit A through C.

First up, here’s Murphy. He’s a black cocker spaniel. No, wait! He’s Superdog!

Right now this dog is thinking, “I wish I had the ability to fly so I could free myself from these crazy people.”

I don’t even want to know how long it took them to get this dog’s legs through those sleeves. And the cape! But Murphy isn’t the only to get in on the Halloween Costume Madness/My Parents’ Dimentia. Check out Rosie, or as my parents call her “Pretty, Pretty Princess.”

“I am the ruler of all I survey. And right now I survey two people who are sadly projecting personalities onto some poor dogs.”

But things aren’t all Superheroes and Princesses at the Kukoda household. There’s an evil being lurking, who means to do harm to Superdog and Pretty, Pretty Princess. Who could that be?

Why, it’s this witch!!!

“Where are you, my pretties?”(said in a witch voice)

Okay, that’s enough madness for now. To cleanse your palate, here’s an adorable photo of my nephew dressed as a Jack-O-Lantern.

Look at the smiley faces on his fee! What?! Ohmygodijustwanttoeathimup! In about 18 years when this kid goes off to college, there’s a pretty good chance this costume will be used on my sister and brother-in-law’s basset hound. The circle of life.

Previously: The 7 Habits of Highly Lonely Parents

Goddamn right it was me.

An album of Peter Cetera’s greatest hits to the first person who can correctly identify who/what I’m dressed as. And I’ll have more on this later. The contest, the drama, the bottle of brandy I won and proceeded to chug, and the horrible aftermath.

Update: Zac is the winner! I have no idea why he wouldn’t want a Peter Cetera CD. I’m guessing he already has it. Yes, that is the only possible reason.