Jack Kukoda

Wait. Is gaggle the right word? I think gaggle refers to a group of geese. Oh boy, people are already sensitive enough about celebrities like me adopting African babies and whisking them away from their home countries to live in American luxury. Hmm. Just forget I called them a “gaggle.” Let’s just say I adopting a shitload of babies. Ah, much better.

Anyhow, I’m sure you’re all aware that Madonna is adopting a one-year old child from Malawi and there has been a bit of controversy surrounding the adoption. I’d just like to come to Madonna’s defense to say, “Who the hell are you to judge what we celebrities do with our lives or the lives of baby strangers?” If Madonna or I want to take a child from its family and call it our own, we will. Because it’s our perogative. You stay out of our business. And don’t give me that claptrap about looking out for the welfare of the child. If you’re so concerned about the well-being of African babies, how come you don’t have one? Wrap your mind around that one, why don’t you?

Now that I’ve come to my good friend Madonna’s defense, let me tell you about my new brood. I got them from an orphanage in Niger. Or Nigeria. I forget. The important thing is I love each and everyone of my new babies. And as soon as I get around to naming them all, I’ll be happy to introduce them to you. Actually, I should probably introduce myself to them now that I think about it. The paperwork for adopting a whole village was pretty extensive, so I just left my lawyer there to take care of it. Hey, I wasn’t about to miss last night’s Heroes marathon!! From what my lawyer tells me, the children should be here in a day or two.

Anyway, I just want to say that if you care about children or want to look like you do, you should put your money where your mouth is and get yourself a whole mess of African babies. That’s what I did and I couldn’t be happier. Unless Heroes was on every night of the week! Am I right, folks?!