I Am Starting A Secret Club
You heard me right. I’m starting up one of those secret societies they have at fancy schools. And yes, I went to one of those fancy schools, but I wasn’t in a secret society. You want to know why? Because I was a dashing investigative reporter for The New Times News, the most investigative paper on campus.(You heard me right, Investi-college-agation Tribune!) And had those clubs admitted me, I would have exposed all their secrets.
The leaders of those secret societies knew they would never be able to keep me under control. “He’s too much of a live wire,” they used to say about me while they smoked cigars in leather club chairs, feet propped up on the finest prostitutes money could buy. How do I know this? Because I was an investigative reporter, goddamn it! Keep up!
Anyway, I’m not an investigative reporter anymore so I think now would be the best time to start up a secret club. Also, I’m lonely as shit. I’m going to lay down the ground rules for my club, and if you like what you hear and think you can handle joining, send me an email.
1. The club is going to be called “Jack & Kukodas.” This is not open to debate. All the good secret societies have names that follow the pattern of “noun & plural noun.” i.e. “Skull & Bones” That’s the only one I can think of right now.
2. Jack & Kukodas will meet in the apartment of one of our members. I initially thought we could meet in some sort of crypt in a cemetary or something, but then I remembered how I am deathly afraid of skeletons and nearly poop my pants every Halloween when I see a fake one hanging at a costume store. So we’re going to steer clear of skeletons. If anyone out there has a decent sized apartment that could serve as a meeting place for an elite secret society(preferably one with digital cable), send me an email.
3. Our secret handshake will consist of one member putting his hands on the shoulders of another member and saying, “Whatever happend to the band Snap?” To which the other member will reply, “‘I’ve Got the Power’ was a really great song.”
4. Pot luck dinners all the time.
Thats all the rules I can think of for my secret club right now. But it will be awesome, I can guarantee you that. Anyone interested in joining should of course send me an email.
P.S. No Greeks allowed.
