Jack Kukoda

By now most of you have probably heard that Buffalo got buried under nearly two feet of snow last week. But what you probably have not heard is the Kukoda family side of things. And I know that’s the story you really want to hear. So here goes.

I called my parents’ house last week with the intention of making some hilarious fart noises into the phone. I like to do that a couple times a week. My mom or dad pick up the phone an all they hear is “Brraaaapppp” or “Fllllllbbbbbbbbbbttttttt.” Then they shout “Who is this?” into the phone and ask why anyone would do this to them. Anyhoosiers, for some reason, instead of making fart noises I decided to actually talk to my parents. I asked my dad how everything in Buffalo was and he told me it was snowing. I told him he was a goddamn liar and I wanted him out of my life forever. Then I slammed the phone down.

A few hours later my mom called and told me my father wasn’t, in fact, a goddamn liar and it actually was snowing in Buffalo. I told her she was crazy if she thought I was going to apologize and she said okay. Then I fought a wolf.

Okay, this part is true. My mom told me that because all the trees still had their leaves, the snow was making their branches really heavy. My mom and dad actually went out into the front yard with broom sticks and tried to knock the snow off the birch tree in our front yard. Good Lord, I would have paid anything to watch those two swinging broomsticks around our front yard in a foot of snow. Unfortunately, my parents’ heroic efforts were for naught because the tree still fell down.

That made me sad. I used to play in that tree as a kid. I carved my first girlfriend’s initials into it. Heck, I lost my virginity in that tree. Not really. That wouldn’t even be possible seeing as how frail birch trees are. See?

Birch trees are too skinny to support any first-class humping, which, as you all know, is the only sort of humping I engage in.

After the birch tree went down, some of the branches in the backyard fell down, bringing power lines down with them. My parents still had electricity and heat, but they were without cable tv and Internet. I have no idea how my parents are going to survive without cable or Internet. I bet they’re just staring at the TV and computer, pretending like nothing’s wrong so they don’t actually have to talk to each other.

Just kidding, mom and dad! We are a perfectly normal, loving familly. You hear that, Internet! The Kukodas are A-Okay! You stay out of our business!!

And P.S. Go Sabres. Bills, you’re still dead to me.