Jack Kukoda

Hey everyone! Hope your day is going well, because mine is NOT! All of my co-workers are staring at me and making me really uncomfortable because of my Halloween costume. When my boss said we could dress up today, I was psyched. I had the perfect costume: Adam from Adam and Eve. It’s easy(all you need is your naked body) and it’s pretty sexy(naked body, remember?) And since I’m going as Adam before he ate from the tree of knowledge and realized he was naked, I’m not even wearing a fig leaf. That’s right, my zing zang is swinging freely in the office.

Anyway, I thought this was a really clever costume that everyone would appreciate, but you should have seen the looks I got on the subway. At first I thought it was because I had a snake draped over my shoulders(authenticity), but then I realized everyone was staring at my ding-dong. My awesome ding-dong. What is everyone’s problem? It’s like they’ve never seen a buck naked man on the subway before. I see at least two a week. Although, that may have something to do with the fact that I ride the subway at all hours of the night, and seek out the train cars that are listed on gay cruising sites. But that’s not important.

What is important, is that my co-workers are making me feel really uncomfortable right now. Two of them have already asked me to cover up my wing-wang with a folder or something, and the guy I share a cubicle with told me to stay the hell away from him. I’m sorry, when did Halloween become “Act like a jerk to your co-worker day?” Also, I think they’re trying to freeze me out of here because they just opened all the windows and there’s quite a draft in the office. I stayed in character by saying, “Oooh, the Garden of Eden is quite chilly. I wish God would close the windows.” But instead of closing the windows, our office manager just threw his sandwich at me and called me a weirdo.

Well, it’s pretty clear that my coworkers’ childish behavior is based on jealousy of my clever costume and my irrepressible sexiness. But I’m not going to let them ruin my Halloween. I’m going to get through the rest of the day, do my job, maybe make some photocopies of my bare ass, then go to a Halloween party and dance my ass off. Then I’ll head home, happy and exhausted . (By the way, I’ll be riding the 6 train, 2nd car from the back.)

Nothing? I thought so. Well, get off your asses and come to this.

The Drink at Work/Yankee Pot Roast Show

It will be super amazing. I might be wearing a costume.

Scheduled to read/perform:

Sean Crespo (FUSE, Office Pirates, National Lampoon, Drink at Work.com)
Kambri Crews (Love Daddy, Comedy Central Insider)
Eric Gillin (Esquire Editor, BlackTable.com co-founder)
Wayne Gladstone (Yankee Pot Roast, Cracked)
Carol Hartsell (Drink at Work.com)
Jack Kukoda (Kukoda.com, Yankee Pot Roast)
Francesco Marciuliano (Sally Forth, Medium Large, Drink at Work.com, Print)
Mick Stingley (Hollywood Reporter and Metal Edge)
Todd Levin (Tremble.com, The Morning News, Salon)

Plus, a performance by sketch group Elephant Larry

Monday, October 30th
8:00pm
Ace of Clubs
9 Great Jones Street
$5

Basset hound. Dressed as a sheriff. Ka-blam.

Happy Halloween.

It’s Wednesday and you know what that means: time to update the Kukoda.com Power Rankings!

1. Tacos (previous week:1) Everyone knows tacos are delicious and they don’t look to be giving up their number one ranking anytime soon!
2. Basset Hounds (previous week: 7) Show me a dog more adorable than the basset hound and I’ll show you a new number 2 on the Power Rankings!
3. Sexy Teens (previous week: 4) Sexy teens continue their march up the list! Can anything stop sexy teens? Let’s hope not!
4. YouTube Videos of Kittens (previous week: 10) I am an idiot and love these!
5. The Wayans Brothers (previous week: not on the list) See above.
6. The Maginot Line (previous week: 2) The Maginot Line drops 4 spots this week. That’s what happens when you can’t stop invading Nazis. Get your act together, Maginot Line, or you’ll be off the rankings altogether.
7. Pumpkins (previous week: not on the list) Pumpkins always make a strong surge this time of year.
8. My Parents (previous week: 3) Buy me a new iPod, mom and dad. Then we’ll talk.
9. The Buffalo Bills (previous week: 5) You are dangerously close to the Power Rankings cliff, Bills.
10. Mike Tyson (previous week: 9) He threatened to fight me if I didn’t keep him on.

Well, there they are. The latest Kukoda.com Powerrrrrrrr Rrrrrrrrrankings. (The extra r’s are so it sounds like a tiger is saying it.)

Feel free to leave your suggestions for additions to the Power Rankings!

You’re goddamn right it’s me. Laina sent this to me today. This site has been around for a while now, but for some reason I never got around to using it. Thank God Laina has nothing else to do at work. If you want to see what celebrity you resemble, go here and check it out. But you’re out of your freaking mind if you think you look more like Beyonce than I do.

My Heritage Face Recognition

Hey kiddoes. My good friends Elephant Larry just filmed a sketch as part of a nationwide sketch comedy competition sponsored by JibJab. And the sketch was directed by John Landis! Yes, that John Landis. If he can do for Elephant Larry what he did for Thriller, then I’m going to start being a lot nicer to them because they’re about to sell 40 million albums. The sketch is below. If you like it, which you will, you can vote for it by clicking on the name of the video(Tall Cop Short Cop) and then following the instructions to vote.(Register here. It’s free and you won’t get the spam!) I command you to do so. Go forth, minions, and make Elephant Larry famous. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just blog here in the dark and wait to die.

Wait. Is gaggle the right word? I think gaggle refers to a group of geese. Oh boy, people are already sensitive enough about celebrities like me adopting African babies and whisking them away from their home countries to live in American luxury. Hmm. Just forget I called them a “gaggle.” Let’s just say I adopting a shitload of babies. Ah, much better.

Anyhow, I’m sure you’re all aware that Madonna is adopting a one-year old child from Malawi and there has been a bit of controversy surrounding the adoption. I’d just like to come to Madonna’s defense to say, “Who the hell are you to judge what we celebrities do with our lives or the lives of baby strangers?” If Madonna or I want to take a child from its family and call it our own, we will. Because it’s our perogative. You stay out of our business. And don’t give me that claptrap about looking out for the welfare of the child. If you’re so concerned about the well-being of African babies, how come you don’t have one? Wrap your mind around that one, why don’t you?

Now that I’ve come to my good friend Madonna’s defense, let me tell you about my new brood. I got them from an orphanage in Niger. Or Nigeria. I forget. The important thing is I love each and everyone of my new babies. And as soon as I get around to naming them all, I’ll be happy to introduce them to you. Actually, I should probably introduce myself to them now that I think about it. The paperwork for adopting a whole village was pretty extensive, so I just left my lawyer there to take care of it. Hey, I wasn’t about to miss last night’s Heroes marathon!! From what my lawyer tells me, the children should be here in a day or two.

Anyway, I just want to say that if you care about children or want to look like you do, you should put your money where your mouth is and get yourself a whole mess of African babies. That’s what I did and I couldn’t be happier. Unless Heroes was on every night of the week! Am I right, folks?!

You heard me right. I’m starting up one of those secret societies they have at fancy schools. And yes, I went to one of those fancy schools, but I wasn’t in a secret society. You want to know why? Because I was a dashing investigative reporter for The New Times News, the most investigative paper on campus.(You heard me right, Investi-college-agation Tribune!) And had those clubs admitted me, I would have exposed all their secrets.

The leaders of those secret societies knew they would never be able to keep me under control. “He’s too much of a live wire,” they used to say about me while they smoked cigars in leather club chairs, feet propped up on the finest prostitutes money could buy. How do I know this? Because I was an investigative reporter, goddamn it! Keep up!

Anyway, I’m not an investigative reporter anymore so I think now would be the best time to start up a secret club. Also, I’m lonely as shit. I’m going to lay down the ground rules for my club, and if you like what you hear and think you can handle joining, send me an email.

1. The club is going to be called “Jack & Kukodas.” This is not open to debate. All the good secret societies have names that follow the pattern of “noun & plural noun.” i.e. “Skull & Bones” That’s the only one I can think of right now.

2. Jack & Kukodas will meet in the apartment of one of our members. I initially thought we could meet in some sort of crypt in a cemetary or something, but then I remembered how I am deathly afraid of skeletons and nearly poop my pants every Halloween when I see a fake one hanging at a costume store. So we’re going to steer clear of skeletons. If anyone out there has a decent sized apartment that could serve as a meeting place for an elite secret society(preferably one with digital cable), send me an email.

3. Our secret handshake will consist of one member putting his hands on the shoulders of another member and saying, “Whatever happend to the band Snap?” To which the other member will reply, “‘I’ve Got the Power’ was a really great song.”

4. Pot luck dinners all the time.

Thats all the rules I can think of for my secret club right now. But it will be awesome, I can guarantee you that. Anyone interested in joining should of course send me an email.

P.S. No Greeks allowed.

This is exactly what I would do if I were a mailman. You know how some days you don’t feel like doing your job? Maybe you’re sick or hungover or-and in my opinion this is a completely legitimate reason-you don’t really like your job and therefore don’t feel obligated to work hard at it. So on those days you come into the office and just sort of push papers around and read a million websites and send out emails. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Well, imagine if you were a mailman. How would you show up for work, yet still manage to do it half assed? You’d hide half the mail in your house, that’s how. Man, that is one clever mailman. I wonder why more mailmen don’t do this. You know, besides the fact that it’s a federal offense.

Hoo boy, if I were a mailman, my closet would be jam packed with strangers’ mail. And not just fancy catalogues and naked lady magazines, I’d steal your freaking pennysavers. Good luck saving those pennies when mailman Jack’s got your circulars stuffed under his mattress! 15 cents off creamed corn? Not on my watch, you son of a bitch!

Good luck trying to bring him in, U.S. Marshalls. He’ll kill you before you even know what happened.

The other title I was considering for this post was “Always bet on black.”

By now most of you have probably heard that Buffalo got buried under nearly two feet of snow last week. But what you probably have not heard is the Kukoda family side of things. And I know that’s the story you really want to hear. So here goes.

I called my parents’ house last week with the intention of making some hilarious fart noises into the phone. I like to do that a couple times a week. My mom or dad pick up the phone an all they hear is “Brraaaapppp” or “Fllllllbbbbbbbbbbttttttt.” Then they shout “Who is this?” into the phone and ask why anyone would do this to them. Anyhoosiers, for some reason, instead of making fart noises I decided to actually talk to my parents. I asked my dad how everything in Buffalo was and he told me it was snowing. I told him he was a goddamn liar and I wanted him out of my life forever. Then I slammed the phone down.

A few hours later my mom called and told me my father wasn’t, in fact, a goddamn liar and it actually was snowing in Buffalo. I told her she was crazy if she thought I was going to apologize and she said okay. Then I fought a wolf.

Okay, this part is true. My mom told me that because all the trees still had their leaves, the snow was making their branches really heavy. My mom and dad actually went out into the front yard with broom sticks and tried to knock the snow off the birch tree in our front yard. Good Lord, I would have paid anything to watch those two swinging broomsticks around our front yard in a foot of snow. Unfortunately, my parents’ heroic efforts were for naught because the tree still fell down.

That made me sad. I used to play in that tree as a kid. I carved my first girlfriend’s initials into it. Heck, I lost my virginity in that tree. Not really. That wouldn’t even be possible seeing as how frail birch trees are. See?

Birch trees are too skinny to support any first-class humping, which, as you all know, is the only sort of humping I engage in.

After the birch tree went down, some of the branches in the backyard fell down, bringing power lines down with them. My parents still had electricity and heat, but they were without cable tv and Internet. I have no idea how my parents are going to survive without cable or Internet. I bet they’re just staring at the TV and computer, pretending like nothing’s wrong so they don’t actually have to talk to each other.

Just kidding, mom and dad! We are a perfectly normal, loving familly. You hear that, Internet! The Kukodas are A-Okay! You stay out of our business!!

And P.S. Go Sabres. Bills, you’re still dead to me.

Having some problems with the software that runs Kukoda.com(lots of punch cards and a hamster on a treadmill). Will try to figure things out and get shit back together.

Hey everyone! I know what you’re saying. Is it time for Jack’s year-end van roundup already?! You bet it is! As we all know, October 11th marks the end of the Van Year. Why is that? Hell, I don’t know. I didn’t invent the van rules. I just play by them. And I play hard! This roundup this year will be the same as always. I go around the country taking pictures of and meeting vans. Then I give you my top vans at the end of the year. And maybe a few of my not-so-top vans! Watch out, vans. This kitten has claws!(by kitten I mean me.) Enough chit-chat, let’s get to those vans!

This first van is one that my neighbor drives. I call it “El Jefe.” I often see it on my street because, duh, it’s my neighbors. Anyway, I think this is a pretty great van for the following reasons. 1) It looks cool. 2) It runs well. 3) It’s got that certain ‘it factor’ that makes a truly great van. I can’t put my finger on what makes this van so great, but I can put my finger on this van itself! Because it’s parked next door.

I call this van the “Crazy Snake.” I call it that because when I was taking a picture of it, a crazy man came out of it who called himself Snake. He demanded to know why I was taking pictures of his van and I told him it was for my year-end roundup. Then he punched me right in the stomach and called me a gay. Totally uncalled for. But that doesn’t detract from the awesomeoness of this van. Good job, Crazy Snake!

That’s all the van round up for now. Stay tuned for part II coming up later. Hell, if it’s half as good as part I, then you’ve got a treat in store!

Hey everyone! If any of the Buffalo Bills call for me, take a message because I AM NOT speaking to them. You hear me? Until further notice, the Bills are dead to me. Well, not dead to me. That’s too harsh. Let’s just say they’re very ill in a hospital far away and can’t get in touch with me. That’s better.

Why am I so furious at the Bills you may ask? Oh, maybe because they ruined my entire Sunday afternoon by getting absolutely shellacked by the Chicago Bears yesterday. 40 to 7? What the shit is that, Bills? And 27 to nothing at halftime? I didn’t even have time to get sufficiently drunk by the time the game was out of reach!

I am NOT pleased. You hear me, Bills? Then look at me when I’m talking to you! I’m calling shenanigans on that game yesterday. Hell, I’m calling shenanigans on the entire season up to this point. Stop laughing at me! Shenanigans is a completely legitimate call in this situation! You know, I give and I give to you, Bills. Hell, just last week I bought a new pair of Bills shorts and a Bills shirt at Target. That shit wasn’t free, my friends. It cost my mom like 40 bucks! And what do I have to show for it? A lousy 2-3 record!

Oh, there is no end to my fury! I think I’ve actually gotten angrier since I started writing this post. My fingers are burning with a rage I didn’t even know I possessed. Arrrhgghhghgghghh!!!

Okay, I’ve calmed down. I took a break there and walked around the block. What was I talking about? Oh right, the Bills! Wait, now I’m furious again!!! The walk did nothing!!!! Hold on!!!!!!

Okay, this time I took a nap and a xanax. Ah, yes, the Bills. Seriously, get your shit together. The Sabres are already 3 and 0. You want me to swing my allegiance to them already? Usually I wait until December, but if you don’t get your goddamn act together and stop playing like that team in Little Giants, I’ll put on a Sabres jersey right now.

Wait, that gives me an idea. Maybe the Bills are just playing possum so that their late-season heroics will seem even more amazing. Yes! That’s exactly what they’re doing! They’re taking a page from 80’s sports movies. The Bills are the lovable bunch of ragtag misfits that nobody can coach! And the rest of the league are the rich team that’s sponsored by a country club and has all brand new equipment and their coach is a former big league player! Oh, it’s all coming together! J.P. Losman is the kid from the wrong side of the tracks, like that kid in the Bad News Bears who rode his dirtbike on the field!!!!! And somehow, before the season is over, Dick Jauron will pull it all together and we’ll start winning while learning a lesson or two about friendship! Good gravy, we’re Superbowl-bound!!!! Hurray!!

P.S. I can’t wait to see who the Tatum O’Neal character is! My guess is Kelly Holcomb!

Hey teens! It’s me, Jack “halfpipe” Kukoda, and I’m ready to talk. I know how tough things can be for teens these days. In fact, it wasn’t so long ago that I was a teen myself! Of course, back then we didn’t call ourselves “teens” because the dinosaurs wouldn’t let us! Hey-oh! See, I’ve got a sense of humor, too, teens. I’m not some old boogie man that can’t relate to all your hip-hop problems today. I’ve been there, too. Except, when I was “there” I had to ride a wooly mammoth to get there! Bing bong!

Anywhoodle, I just want all the teens that read this site to know that you can feel free to ask me questions about life, girls, guys, sports, the mall-heck, anything a teen would want to know about. And I’ll be happy to answer those questions. Although, I might have to communicate via cave drawings! Slam bam-a-roo! What? Okay, I’ll stop.

But 4 rlz, I’d be happy to help you out with some of your problemz. Here’s a question a teen sent me just last week:

Dear Halfpipe,

Some of my friends smoke marijuana and I feel pressured to smoke sometimes. I kind of want to try it, but I’m afraid of what drugs can do. Is it true that you can get addicted to marijuana? Will it really lead to other drugs? What do you think I should do? Thanks in advance.

Confused in Kansas

Questions about drugs are never easy to answer. That’s why, in this case, I immediately alerted the local police. I figured they would know what to say. Hell, if they came up with that “McGriff the Crime Dog,” I’m sure they can handle a question or two about marijuana weed.

Anyhowsers, feel free to ask more questions in the comment section or email them to me. I’ll do my best to put you on the straight and narrow, teens! In the meantime, rock and roll!