I Enjoy Suing People
Really, I do. Nothing brings me more joy than filing frivolous lawsuits against individuals and corporations. In fact, most fast food restaurants have a picture of me behind the counter that says “Do Not Serve This Man.” Because I will sue you. Sue you real good.
This week alone I filed more than three dozen lawsuits. The first one was against Wendy’s because I claimed their chicken nuggets burned my mouth. So what if I doused them in kerosene and lit them on fire before I started eating them? It was still Wendy’s fault. The next day I sued the MTA because the doors of the uptown 6 train had some objectionable language written on them and it made me depressed. See, I’m like a modern-day Holden Caulfield. Except instead of being all whiny, I call up 1-800-LAWYER and I get to suin’!
I haven’t talked to my parents in about two years, ever since I sued them for not making a delicious Thanksgiving turkey. They were kind of pissed that I did that, but what do I care? I got a sweet ass settlement out of it. A settlement that included my dad’s lawnmower.
Okay, I’ve got to run. I’m going to head on over to the zoo and see if I can’t provoke a panda into biting me. Then I’m going to sue that panda for all he’s worth. Wish me luck!
