Jack Kukoda

Because I do. I really, really like sports. Really. Fer Realz. I’m not sure why I like sports so much. Maybe it’s the competition, or maybe it’s the athletic feats that draw me to sports. Perhaps it’s because I once intercepted THREE passes in one game my Junior year of high school. Wait, that has nothing to do with why I love sports, but it’s pretty G-D impressive nonetheless.

The Bills lost on Sunday, but I wasn’t that disappointed because they looked pretty good and lost a close game to a good team at home. I don’t have the highest hopes for the Bills this year. They have a coach who frightens me, the quarterback from “The Longest Yard,” and an offensive line made up of teenage runaways. Just kidding about the teenage runaways part, although I don’t have any proof they aren’t. I digress.

Sunday was fun. I went to a bar in my new neighborhood to watch the game and managed to get a table right in front of the Bills game. I really like watching games in the early part of the season, before we turn the clocks back. Because now you can drink 5 or 6 beers during the game and go home while it’s still light out and warm. As opposed to November, when you go outside after a 1pm game and it’s pitch black and you’re drunk. That has a tendency to depress me.

If the Bills continue to play relatively well, I should be able to ward off my inevitable winter depression for a few extra weeks. If they make it all the way to the playoffs, well then, I might just manage to function as a normal human being all the way through January. If, however, they lose all their early games, I’m going to dig a cave in the basement of my apartment building and live there until March. That’s a little something I like to call hibernation.

Perhaps I’ll find some bears and a groundhog or two that would like to hibernate with me. That would be fun. We could gather berries or nuts for the long winter. And the night before we start our hibernation, we could all go out for a big dinner. I would order surf-n-turf. And tacos. I’m guessing the bear would order salmon and some sort of honey-based dessert. As for the groundhog, I bet he would go for a steak. I have no evidence to back this up. Groundhogs just seem like steak-eaters to me.

Oh boy, that would be fun. Camping out for four months with a deadly bear and a friendly groundhog. You can make it happen, Bills. Just keep letting J.P. Losman throw the ball on first down and I’ll be digging a cave in no time.