Jack Kukoda

Yes, that is a lyric from a Jewel song. Most of you don’t know this, but I count Jewel among my personal heroes. A few years ago I was living in a van up in Alaska, just like Jewel did. But I wasn’t a struggling singer-songwriter. I was on the run from the cops, working in the Alaskan oil fields, trying to make enough money to send back to my family. Wait, I should back up a little and tell you the whole story.

A few years ago, a shady developer tried to force my parents to sell our family home. The family home that has belonged to the Kukodas since they came to this country in the 18th Century. The developer wanted to build a mini-mall on our land, but my parents refused to sell. All of our neighbors had already sold, but my dad refused. Luckily, I found some old pirate treasure and saved the day. Wait, that’s the plot from Goonies. That did not happen to us. What was I talking about? Oh right, why I was in Alaska. Here’s what really happened.

I killed a bear in a bar fight. I don’t remember who started it, but I ended it. And I ended that bear. Ended his life! Well, it turned out that bear had some pretty powerful friends, and despite the fact that a bear had no business being in a Buffalo Wyld Wings Sports Bar to begin with, they were determined to put me behind bars. So I packed up my van, drove up to Alaska, and started working the oil fields. Let me tell you, living in a van in Alaska is no picnic. Sure it seems like it would be fun, but Alaska gets pretty cold and a Dodge Windstar is no substitute for a house.

For a while, I thought I was going to die up there, but then I remembered that if Jewel could get through it, then so could I. So thank you, Jewel. Thank you for saving my life. By the way, I chose this picture of Jewel because I like to pretend she’s saying, “Shh, don’t tell anyone. I’m awesome. But keep it a secret.” And then I say, “It’s no secret how awesome you are, Jewel! Everybody knows!” And then Jewel and I have a good laugh. Oh, that’s fun.

Good Lord, I am lonely.