Jack Kukoda

Hey, gang! I’m sure a lot of you noticed that I wasn’t quite up to the task of writing yesterday. But I have an excellent reason! I’ve been trying out for my hometown Buffalo Bills for the past couple weeks. I know what you’re saying. “Jack, didn’t you once make three interceptions in one game against St. Mary’s of Lancaster your Junior year of high school? Why should you even have to try out? They should just put you on the first defense on the basis of that game alone!”

Look, I agree with you. I was great that day. More than a man, in fact. A superman even, but with the added attributes of some sort of ferocious animal. Perhaps the jaguar. I digress. The point is, I have been trying out for the Bills. NFL teams don’t normally hold open try outs(unless there’s a chance that it might somehow provide the incomparable Mark Wahlberg another vehicle in which to show off how awesome he looks with 1970’s hair!), but the Bills made an exception this year because they are horrible. Good God, I can’t remember another season I was looking forward to less than the current one. If they win more than 6 games I’ll throw a freaking party complete with helmet-shaped cake. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Back to the try outs. I showed up last week at Bills training camp. I couldn’t find my old football shoulder pads, so I went to Play-It-Again Sports and bought a pair of hockey shoulder pads. Same thing, right? Wrong! Oh, how I was teased when I got out onto that field! Not just by the players, but by the coaches, too. The coaches asked me what position I was trying out for and I said I would play any position that would help the Bills. The coaches said they needed me to pick a position so they could decide on how to evaluate me. I told them I would like to play quarterback, but only if I could use a slightly smaller ball because, as I’ve mentioned before, my hands are sort of dainty and I find the regular ones difficult to grip.

The coaches let me take a few snaps at quarterback, but not with the special Sugar Bowl Commemorative novelty ball I had brought from home. I had to use the regular ball. Well, needless to say, when I went to throw it the giant ball wobbled out of my hands and it actually went backward! The press sure had a good laugh at that one. I tried to laugh it off like I didn’t care and jogged over to where the ball had landed. But just as I went to pick the ball up, I noticed there was a bee on it. I screeched loudly and kicked the ball before running away, just like my mom taught me to do when encountering a bee. Well, if you thought people were laughing before, you should have seen them now. I told them all to shut up, but they just kept laughing. A 12 year-old girl in the stands even called me a name I don’t feel comfortable repeating.(It was ‘pussy.’)

After the laughing died down, the coaches suggested I just head home and I reluctantly agreed. But just as I was heading to the locker room to pick up my stuff, I thought I heard a bee behind me and I took off running. Unfortunately, I ran straight into a golf cart and banged my shin up pretty bad. So that’s why I wasn’t able to write yesterday. Go Bills.

Previous Bills Coverage

Ohmygodiamsopissed! I don’t know who’s in charge of that Central Park Zoo, but they owe me some money. Yesterday, I went to the zoo with some crippled children. (Yes, yes, I work with crippled children. Get over it, ladies.) Anyway, the animals at that zoo are simply incorrigible. Here is a list of my things, in no particular order, that were eaten/stolen by those damned animals. I’ve included the approximate price of those items so the zoo can reimburse me.

Fitted Yankees Hat - $25 (Stolen by a zebra.)
My Favorite Kite - $45 (Got stuck in giraffe’s mouth, giraffe then tore it to shreds.)
Pre-packed Bag Lunch - $9 (I dropped it in a puddle after being startled by a goat)
Crippled Child - I guess I’m supposed to say ‘priceless’ (Eaten by a tiger)
North Face Backpack $90 (Covered in poo thrown by monkeys.)
One Nike Shoe $65 (Gnawed by polar bear)

The way I see it, the zoo owes me 234 dollars. And a crippled child to said child’s family. I’m not really sure who I see about getting my money back. The guy I talked to yesterday was no help. He was all, “Why did you bring your kite to the zoo?” and “Who said that you could try to ride the zebras?” and “Did you say a tiger ate a child?!” Damn red tape!

That’s why I’m asking for your help, dear blogosphere. Please write letters or emails to the zoo and tell them to give me back my damn money! Thank you.

And have a good weekend.

Yeah, that’s right. I took the day off on Monday to go to Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. What of it? What’s that you say? Am I ten years old? No, I’m not. What, just because I’m an adult I can’t go ride roller coasters and/or the log flume/lazy river? Just because I’m constanly in debt and paid my rent 25 days late last month, that means I can’t blow 30 dollars trying to land a softball in a tilted peach basket to win the Lady a stuffed tiger? Is that what you’re saying? Well, if it is, then you can go straight hell for all I care. I went to Six Flags and I loved it. Sort of. Anyway, while I’m waiting for the Lady to send me pictures from the trip, these random images will have to do.

I woke up at 8am on Monday so we could get an early start, but I barely slept anyway. I had been looking forward to Six Flags ever since I went to Coney Island last month. (By the way, here’s a little tip for anyone with a blog. If you write about carnies, not only will they find out about it, they will tell you how displeased they are with what you wrote. For reals.) Anyhow, the Lady and I met up at our friend Laina’s apartment. Laina had agreed to drive there because she is awesome and she has a car. Also, she was able to get out of work on a Monday because she works as a squeegee person and can take off whenever she pleases. “Wait,” you’re probably saying. “Didn’t Guiliani get rid of the squeegee men?” Yes, he did. Except for Laina. She was too wily.

Laina thought that 8:30 was early enough to get on the road. Personally, I wanted to leave at 7am so we could be first in line when they opened the park at 10. Laina did not want to do that, even though I said that we could play Magic:The Gathering while we waited. Screw you, Laina! I use my magic to curse you. Anyway, we got into the park around 10:30 and headed for the rides.

We got in line for the Superman ride, which suspends you to make it seem like you’re flying. Except you’re strapped to a steel roller coaster with 30 other people. And you just go in circles. Other than that, same as flying. We had been waiting for about 40 minutes when they made an announcement that the ride was experiencing technical difficulties and would be out of order for an unknown period of time. I cursed the mother of whoever built the ride and started crying. Not really, but I was disapointed.

We decided to go try another ride. The Great American Scream Machine was next door so we got in line for that one. The GASM is kind of old, but we thought it would be fun and the line wasn’t too long. And really, all we wanted to do was get on a roller coaster, I didn’t care which one. This time we made it all the way through the line up to the little platform where they load you onto the ride. All of a sudden the ride stopped and a pimply-faced teen grabbed the microphone. He announced that this ride was also experiencing technical difficulties and would be closed for an unkown period of time.

When the Lady heard this, she lunged at him with a knife. (Did I forget to mention that the Lady travels with a switchblade? My bad. She joined this all-girl gang at theater camp when she was like 12 and, as they say, you can take the girl out of the deadly theater camp gang, but you can’t yada yada.) Seriously, at this point we were all furious. We had just spent a combined hour and 20 minutes waiting in line for rides that broke down. And there were a couple of ten year-olds ahead of us that told us they had just waited in line for El Toro, only for it to break down. I was composing a letter to Six Flags management in my head. The letter would be written in my own tears and would explain how they ruined my whole summer. I decided to put the letter on hold and give them one more shot. We would ride Kingda Ka.

Kingda Ka is billed as the fastest, tallest roller coaster in the world. It is to roller coasters what I am to lovemakers. Unparalleled. Damn, that was good. You don’t even realize how big it is until you see it next to the other roller coasters. It’s probably twice as high as any of the other ones in the park. The line for Kingda Ka snaked through a special part of the park. All these roller coasters have ridiculous themes and Kingda Ka’s seemed to be the Burmese jungle. There were bamboo trees and fake tiger tracks all over the place. There were also some of the trashiest people I had ever witnessed and teenage girls dressed like whores. I don’t think they were part of Kingda Ka’s theme, just our fellow park-goers.

After about two hours, we finally got to the front of the line. Then it happened. They made an announcement that Kingda Ka was experiencing technical difficulties. I nearly lost my shit. But I composed myself. Another man did not. He jumped over the bar that separated the people about to get on the ride from the line behind them. This man, who looked to be in his mid-thirties and no stranger to Magic:The Gathering, got right up into this teenaged kid’s face and started yelling about how none of the rides were working. The teenager tried to explain that he did not own Six Flags and there wasn’t much he could do about it. So he got his manager. The man then yelled at the manager. As angry as I was about having been in the park for 3 hours without getting on a ride, I did feel bad for the manager. I’m sure his whole summer consists of jackasses yelling at him about how the whack-a-mole game stole their money or how the roller coasters didn’t work. Just as I thought the Magic Man was going to start a brawl, they announced that Kingda Ka was running again.

I can’t really do justice to the ride by describing it, so let me just say that it was the most terrifying experience of my life. Sweet Lord, if the Lady wasn’t there, I probably would have cried. It was fun, though. If you go to Six Flags, I highly suggest riding it.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. We went on some more roller coasters, ate hot dogs, walked into the kid’s section while drinking 16 oz. beers, and played some games. Towards the end of the day, we decided to ride the Conga Rapids. That’s that thing where you get on a giant circular raft and ride around getting splashed. It was okay. Except towards the end, a Six Flags employee filled a Gatorade jug with water and threw it at us. I have no idea if that was supposed to be part of the ride or if he was just being a dick. Either way, it wasn’t much fun.

On the way home, we got pulled over. Not by the cops, but by a prestigious modelling agency. They wanted to take me to Milan and make me a big star, but I told them I had more important things to do. Word up.

So today I’m going out to JFK to di some photo shoot for Jet Blue. That’s about all I know. A friend of mine somehow got invited to be photographed for a Jet Blue commercial. And I somehow got roped in. There’s a good chance that this is some reality prank show and I’m going to show up and they’re going to make me wear a clown suit and ride through the X-ray machines. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen. Because I already have this great idea for a TV show where you tell people they’re going to be in a commercial, and then you dress them up in clown suits and make them ride through an X-ray machine. I don’t want to have to think of a new idea. They’re hard.

I’ll have a sweet ass rundown on the whole thing and a recap of my trip to Six Flags Great Adventure in the next day or two. You will love it. Seriously, you will. So get ready.

Hey everyone. I’m outside the hottest spot in New York City right now! The Holland Tunnel! Oh, man, all the big names are here; police officers, traffic officers, cars, motorcycles, smog. It’s off the hook. I’ll be live blogging the Holland Tunnel all day long, so make sure you check back throughout the day or you might miss out on all the awesome action.

The newest updates will be at the bottom. Hope you can keep up!

9:56am Just got here! Man, the Holland Tunnel is smoking today. Litererally. With all the cars, buses, and bikes passing through, there’s quite a bit of smoke.

10:06am Oooh. A really cool bus just went into the tunnel.

10:30am Lots of cars going in and out.

10:45am I think I went to high school with the guy in that car.

11am I’m going to get a sandwich. This tunnel action is making me hungry.

11:11am I just made a wish!

11:23am Uh-oh! A traffic cop is yelling at someone. I wouldn’t like to be that guy. Or the traffic cop for that matter, as it seems like a pretty thankless job.

11:44am More cars coming through. Man, they never stop.

12pm Someone just threw an empty Starbucks cup at me from their moving vehicle. Not cool.

12:14pm I’m going to start abbreviating Holland Tunnel to HoTu. Let’s see if that catches on.

12:22pm I asked the traffic cop how long he’s been working at the HoTu and he told me to go fuck myself.

12:34pm I made another wish!

12:48pm I’m getting a little dizzy from these fumes.

1pm Lunch Break!

1:22pm Hey, a bird!

1:45pm Some guy with this squirt gun that blows bubbles keeps trying to sell me stuff. “I don’t want your bubble gun!” I yelled at him. Then he threw a hot dog at me. What a country!

2:44pm I just woke up from a nap. I think I passed out from the exhaust fumes. And my hat with a fan on the brim is missing. Why would someone steal that? How am I supposed to keep my head cool now?

3pm Okay, I’ve taken the commenter’s bait. I am now in the tunnel. Ooh boy, it is dark. And loud. Well, I’ll just sit here on the edge of the tunnel along that little walkway. Hmm, this isn’t so bad.

3:03pm Okay, I’m really bored and I have to pee. I’m leaving.

3:04 Well, I made it 3 whole minutes. I’m pretty proud of myself. My pants got all sooty, though. I hate soot.

3:30 Will someone bring me something to drink? Maybe like a Vitamin Water or Gatorade or something. No biggie if you can’t.

4pm While this has nothing to do with the HoTu, I just found out that these animals actually exist. My head is spinning.