I’m Not Much Of A Poker Player
Hey there, everyone. You might have noticed that there was nothing new on Kukoda.com last Friday. Before you start raising hell about my recent laziness, let me assure you there is an excellent reason. I won a radio contest last week and first prize was a chance to play poker with Bananas, a poker-playing chimpanzee. I was pretty psyched because 1. I love poker and 2. the only thing I love more than poker is humiliating chimpanzees in games of chance. Bammo, this was a double whammy if I ever saw one.
The radio station sponsoring the event was, Kiss 103 FM, who contrary to their claims, do not play the greatest mix of hits from the 70’s, 80’s, and today. The other day they played what they called a “giant rock block of Golden Earring,” which, in reality was just “Radar Love” on repeat for two full hours. Hey, I love “Radar Love” as much as the next guy. Shit, I love “Radar Love” more than the next guy. It’s bedazzled on my couch cushions for pete’s sake. But even I don’t want to hear two straight hours of it.
I digress. KISS sent a limo to pick me up at my apartment. I stood outside on my balcony waiting for it just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. And I refused to come down until the driver stuck his head out the sun roof and asked me to marry him. Listen, I don’t come down to where you sleep and make fun of your dreams so don’t go mocking mine. The limo took me to the KISS studios where Bananas was waiting. Oh, did he ever have a smug look on his stupid chimpanzee face! Man, I hate chimps.
Anyway, after a quick interview, we got down to playing poker. We were playing no limit Texas hold ‘em, just like the celebrities do! I figured I would make quick work of Bananas because, even though I haven’t played much poker, I won the Buffalo Pinochle Championship: 16 and under division two years in a row. Let’s see a monkey do that! I quickly learned Bananas would be tougher than I thought, as I was down to my last five dollars within half an hour. In my defense, someone really should have told me that different colored chips represent varying amounts of money.
On my final hand, I was dealt two Kings and I went all in. Bananas called me and eventually won with a flush to my three of a kind. “Curse you, Bananas!” I shouted. Then I threw a carton of orange juice against the wall. Big mistake. The carton exploded, raining orange juice down on all of KISS’s audio equipment, not to mention the priceless Eddie Money posters that covered the walls. The manager of the radio station yelled at me to get out of the studio. I told them I wasn’t leaving until I got my “KISS the Summer Hello” promotional T-shirt and held onto my chair so they would know I meant business. They eventually called a couple summer interns that played college football to forcibly remove me from the studio. Oh boy, those fellows were rough.
Anyway, that’s what happened Friday. I’ve been on the phone all weekend with lawyers trying to find someone that will help me sue KISS FM. If you are a lawyer and hate chimps like I do, or just want to help me file a frivolous lawsuit, contact me today!
