What The Fuck Am I Supposed To Do With All These Pashminas?
Seriously, what am I going to do with all them? I’m sitting here in my room and there’s so many goddamn pashminas piled up in here I can barely make it to my bed. What in Christ’s name was I thinking when I bought all these things?
Look, before you start making fun of me, let me point out that many people, including some very successful businessmen, have made poor investment decisions over the years. So it’s not like I’m the first one to have screwed up. I might be the first one to have bought 10,000 yards of pashmina from a shady garment merchant in Marrakesh, while stoned out of my mind on opium. Okay, I’ll give you that. But that’s not the point. The point is I need to get rid of these pashminas.
Remember when pashminas were all the rage? I think that was back in like 2001 or something. Well, isn’t it about time they made a comeback? I certainly think so. All we have to do is get some of the world’s top supermodels and celebrities to start wearing pashminas again, get photographed doing so, and then bammo-I can finally get to my refrigerator again because the path isn’t blocked by a 500 pounds of fucking goat scarves!
Ah, who am I kidding? Nobody wants these things. I tried to give my mom a box of them as a Christmas present and she practically punched me in the face. Why, why, why do I make so many investment decisions on opium? I need to hire like a valet or something. But instead of holding my parasol and driving me around, his only job would be to hide my credit card when I started smoking the ol’ Chinese Tobaccy.
So, look, if any of you wants one these pashminas, make me an offer. No offer is too low. For real. I’ll even take trades. And since I can’t get to my fridge, I’ll gladly accept food in lieu of cash. Ten pashminas for a meatball sub sounds like a fair trade to me. Wouldn’t you agree?
