I Should Have Seen This Coming
Well, it happened again. Another one of my MySpace friends raped me last night. Sure, this isn’t the first time it’s happened, but you never really get used to it no matter how many times it happens. What’s weird about last night’s raping is that I actually knew this MySpace friend before I met him online. It was my buddy Pete. I don’t know what it is about MySpace that turns normal people into voracious rapists, but I’m fed up with it. I guess the online world isn’t safe for ridiculously handsome comedians/temps like myself who just want to use a networking site to post photos of their awesome abs. But I’m going to change all that. Follow these online safety tips and you should be saying, “I didn’t get raped today” in no time.
1. If someone asks you for your personal information, ask them why they want it. If they say, “So I can come over and rape you,” DO NOT give out the information. If they say, “So I can make you a delicious crumb cake and deliver it to your house,” then it’s okay to give out that info. Seriously, who wants to risk losing crumb cake?
2. Don’t post a lot of sexy photos of yourself on the Internet. For me, this is damn near impossible since every picture I take is pretty gosh darn sexy. I recently found an old photo of me sitting in a high chair with a bowl of spaghetti on my head. And wouldn’t you know, I looked dead sexy in it.
3. Lock yourself in your home and never venture outside again.
4. Tape a sign to your computer monitor declaring it a “Rape Free Zone.”
5. If someone asks you to meet them at a seedy motel, make sure you’re dressed in your best outfit. Chances are, it’s someone from Dateline conducting a sting operation. And you don’t want to be on TV wearing a pair of ratty old jeans.
6. Avoid using the following screen names, as they are bait to online predators: Like2Flirt, 2Sexy4U, HottStuff, Looking2GetRaped, EasilyDuped, NoSelfEsteem69, or RonBurgundy44. The Ron Burgundy one has nothing to do with online safety, I just think people should give Anchorman references a rest for a little while.
Okay, now you’re armed for the online world. Go out and have fun!
