Jack Kukoda

Sorry about the late start today, but I’ve been at the salon all day. The Lady has been nominated for a fancy shmancy theater award and the ceremony is tonight, so I’ve got to look my best! I’m not exactly sure what she’s nominated for because when she told me about it, there was a commercial for nachos on TV and I was pretty engrossed in that. All I know is I’ve got to look my best. And, if there’s an award for sexiest date, she’s sure to win that one.

I’m going to be wearing my hair up tonight. I get so few chances to wear it like that, so why not? I also got a spray-on tan today, so I’ll be looking my orangest. And I haven’t eaten anything in the past four days so I can squeeze into my super thin pants. Holy Jesus, it will be great. I hope there’s a red carpet there so I can make an extravagant entrance. I rented us a stretch hummer limo, but I had them remove the engine so it can be pulled by a dozen white horses. I think that will make us look extra classy. And I’m going to glue horns to the horses’ faces to make them look like unicorns. If you can think of a classier entrance than stepping out of a hummer limo pulled by unicorns, then you’re a damn liar.

I should have a full run-down on the event tomorrow, maybe even with real pictures. You will like that, right? Damn straight you will.

Ooh, I almost forgot. The Lady is taking me out for a fancy steak dinner tonight, too. I’m going to wear my jacket with the hidden pockets so I can stuff mashed potatoes into it. That way, as the evening wears on and I get a little hungry-Bam! I’ve got a pocket full of potatoes ready to go. I can almost taste those pocket potatoes. All right, hope you all have fun not going to a steak dinner and awards show tonight. I’m sure it will be great. Psych!!

P.S. I’m trying to bring “Psych!” back.