Jack Kukoda

What up, dudes? Get your asses out to Tower Records and buy my latest CD. But don’t steal it. Because mall security will follow you into the food court and ask you to come back to the store. And then you’ll get sent to the police station and then your mom will have to pick you up and it will make your whole summer awkward. Trust me, I know. But for realz, you should buy my latest album. It’s called “Kukoda Kares” and it’s a charity album. All the proceeds go to a charity of some sort. Now, I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I if I had to, I would say I’m better than Mother Theresa and Ghandi combined.

Basically, I got all of my famous friends together to record this album. All the greats are on it: Chicago, Peter Cetera. All of ‘em. And man, this album is smoking. Usually, benefit albums don’t make for good make out albums, but this one is different. Invite your lady over, light some candles, then let the duet between me and Peter C. take you away. Take you away to sex, that is.

The album is like me in that it’s a crazy mix of styles. I do some rapping on it, some singing, some more rapping, and then on one track I just play the bongos for twenty minutes. God, I was stoned that day! The Moody Blues had brought over some great peyote and we just had at it. Did I forget to mention that I hang out with the Moody Blues? Well, I do. We have a time share together in Cabo.

All right, I got to get going. Sammy Haggar is coming over and we’re going to snort tequila and then play horseshoes on my roof. Give me a call if you want to come by.