Jack Kukoda

You heard me. I’ve been going to the gym on a regular basis for the past eight weeks, and it’s time to show off the goods. So if any of you readers think you’re man enough, I’m extending an invitation to a posedown at my apartment this Thursday. “What’s a posedown?” You may be asking. Well, if you have to ask, then don’t bother showing up, but I’ll tell you anyway. Essentially, a posedown is when a group of guys get together, take off their shirts, and then strike various bodybuilder poses in front of a mirror until a winner is declared by majority decision. Sometimes they oil up or apply bronzer to make their muscles stand out. In no way at all is this gay.

Now, I want to make sure the Kukoda Posedown Invitational ‘06 is as fair as possible, so I’m laying down a few ground rules.

1. No grabbing. You hear me? I’ve been to a lot of posedowns that have been ruined because some guy couldn’t control himself and got all handsy. Granted, these posedowns were held in men’s bathhouses, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. A posedown is a sacred tradition handed down to us from the Greeks or the Romans or some people like that. Don’t cheapen it.

2. Trash talking is encouraged. What would a posedown be without a little gamesmanship? Pretty boring.

3. No throwing sand into your opponents’ eyes. Okay, this really applies more to underground kickboxing matches, but it’s a good rule, nonetheless.

4. Unlike Fight Club, please, talk about the posedown as much as possible. Reference it in conversations at work, in your home, wherever you please. Let’s get the word out on this new sport of kings.

5. I have a bunch of model girlfriends. I know this isn’t really a rule, but, for some reason, whenever I talk about how me and a bunch of guys like to strip down, oil up, and then pose in front of mirrors, people assume we’re gay. But we’re not. Ask my model girlfriends as soon as they get back from their various international modeling assignments. I’m all man.

So if you think you’ve got what it takes, I’ll see you at my apartment this Thursday at noon. And bring your own bottle of “Muscle Sheen” brand tanning lotion. I’m not lending you any of mine. That shit is expensive.

Previously: I’ve Got To Get Back In The Gym

1. Squirrel (Won)
2. Beagle (Won)
3. Small Deer (Draw)
4. Donkey (Won)
5. Mule (Lost)
6. Hippopotamus (Draw, but I think I was winning)
7. Giraffe (Lost)
8. Blue Whale (In progress)

I’ve got your number, slightly larger blue whale.

All right, here we go. If you missed part I, just scroll down a little because that’s where it is. Saturday morning, I woke up with a nasty cold. I went down to the lobby to ask for some cold medicine and they told me to go to the CVS down the street. I was in a hurry so I jogged all the way there, which was like 4 blocks! Downtown Cleveland reminded me of downtown Buffalo in a lot of ways. Mostly because it looked fairly desolate. I liked Cleveland. After I took my cold medicine, I jumped in the shower, put on my tuxedo, and and drove to the church with James. We were the first ones there. Not even the other groomsmen had arrived yet, so James and I did the logical thing. We went to a gas station and bought beers and microwavable breakfast sandwiches. I’m going to go ahead and recommend that you do not eat microwavable breakfast sandwiches from gas stations. They will mess you up good.

We stood around in the church parking lot drinking Heinekens until people started to arrive. Eventually, Paul got there and we all headed inside the church. Everybody teased Paul and joked around with him because he seemed a little nervous. Then, they started playing the music and we headed out into the church. The whole first row fainted when they saw how handsome I looked. I was worried that would happen. Oh, well. I won’t cheapen the rest of the ceremony by describing it in this poorly written, glib manner, so, suffice it to say it was a beautiful ceremony. James cried a lot.

As soon as the ceremony was over, the photographers started taking pictures of the married couple, as well as their respective families. They didn’t want any photos of me, so I headed towards the party bus. That’s a bus that’s decked out like a limo. There was a giant cooler of beer inside and an assload of liquor. It was only 1 o’clock, and the reception wasn’t until 6. We were going to have to pace ourselves if we wanted to make it to the reception without passing out. The party bus drove us to a nursery where we took more photos. The photographer kept begging to get some shirtless ones of me, but I reminded her that this was Paul and Sarah’s day, but I told her I would make it up to her. Which I did, by making out with the photographer later on in the party bus. But that’s a story for another time.

After the photographs, we headed to Paul’s parents house for more…shrimp cocktail!!! Well, there was other stuff, too like sandwiches and the like, but I was only interested in the shrimp. I had a few more beers and then fell asleep on the porch. Don’t judge me! It was like 90 degrees outside, I had a full belly of sandwiches, and had been drinking since 11am. After I woke up, we headed to the reception. On the way there, we got a nice view of downtown Cleveland, which to be honest, is quite pretty. It’s right on Lake Erie, just like Buffalo, and has a nice mixture of old industrial and new development that makes it look uniquely American. Buffalo is still cooler, though.

The reception was held in a restaurant on the 23rd floor of a building downtown. As soon as we got there, we were greeted by…more shrimp!!! What?! Good God, I wanted to marry the caterer at this point. The place was packed and it was great to see everyone all excited for Paul and Sarah. After about an hour of cocktails, they had the bridal party line up to be introduced. I asked if I could be introduced to “Thunderstruck,” by AC/DC, but the host said no. Same thing for “Hell’s Bells.” Bullshit.

Dinner was delicious. They had steak and chicken again! But here’s the thing. The chicken was wrapped up in phylo dough! It was like a chicken pastry. Good God, it was so good. The toasts were made and they were heartfelt, touching, and funny, but for some reason made no mention of me or how good a high school football player I was. Weird. Then the dancing began. Oh, how I danced! I danced alone, in pairs, in groups! There was no stopping my beat! At one point they played the “Shout song” and I just about lost it, singing the lyrics for the Bills version of it.

Once the wedding was over, everyone headed back to the hotel and continued drinking in the bar. Then when the bar closed, a bunch of people headed to our friend Ninja’s room, since he had a large room and a huge stash of booze. I went around knocking on my friends’ doors, telling them they that they couldn’t go to bed yet and that they owed it to Paul and Sarah to keep partying. I don’t think anyone appreciated this. Whatever. It was a great time and everyone was thrilled for the happy couple. Oh, and I slept through brunch the next day. I’m awesome.

So, once again, I went on a trip with friends and forgot to bring my camera. So until my friends send me pictures of the wedding over the weekend, these Google images will have to do.

Thursday night, I met my friend James out in New Jersey to make sure we got an early start on Friday morning. We had decided to drive to Cleveland since it would be much cheaper than flying and planned to leave by 7am on Friday. We didn’t even get to bed until 5am. Whoops. Sorry, the call of Hoboken bars and darts were too strong. And the Sabres had just lost in Game 7 of the Conference Finals so I had some drinking to do. Also, Batman Begins was on HBO so I stayed up to watch that. Whatever. Don’t judge me.

It was James, myself, and James’ girlfriend in the car. My girlfriend couldn’t make it because she is a famous model from Canada and she had a modeling assignment that weekend that she couldn’t get out of. It was also in Canada. We got on the road by 8:30, and I fell asleep right away. I woke up when we were in the middle of Pennsylvania. If any of you readers are thinking of taking a trip to Central Pennsylvania, don’t bother. There’s nothing there. Not even cows. It also rained the entire time. I can’t say for sure if it rains all the time in Central PA, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it always is.

We got slightly lost on the way into Cleveland and had a little trouble finding the Tuxedo Junction at the mall. James and I were groomsmen, and had to rent tuxes. The tuxedos were pretty nice, and the store had a deal where, for thirty dollars extra, you could get a top cat, cane, and gloves. And you could keep them! I’m still kicking myself for not taking advantage of that offer. Once we got our tuxedos, we headed to Paul’s(the groom) parents’ house to change for the rehearsal. I asked James if it was a “dress rehearsal” and he said I was an idiot.

We quickly changed and made it to the Church for rehearsal only a few minutes late. Some people might be disappointed in themselves for showing up late to a rehearsal, but James and I were pretty proud. Shit, we couldn’t believe we actually woke up in time to make it to Cleveland on the right day, so anything we accomplished after that, we gave ourselves a pat on the back. Paul and Sarah didn’t mind that we were a few minutes late, since a couple of bridesmaids hadn’t even arrived either. James and I clucked our tongues at those irresponsible bridesmaids. Then we got into a splash fight with the holy water. Not really.

The rehearsal was pretty uneventful. I got the usual lecture from the priest about not stealing focus from the bride. As usual, the priest had noticed my bulging pecs and trademark smile and told me that this was Sarah’s special day and that, even though I am devilishly handsome and in top shape, I shouldn’t flex too much or everyone will forget about the bride. I agreed. The rehearsal was over so we headed to a country club for the rehearsal dinner.

I would ask you to guess how many cocktail shrimp and mini meatballs I ate at the rehearsal dinner, but I doubt most of you can count that high. Suffice to say, the caterers knew who to come straight to as soon as they got a new tray of food. Oh, gluttony! The rehearsal dinner was a lot of fun. It was the first chance I got to see a lot of old friends, plus they served steak AND chicken. Now, that’s class! After dinner Paul and Sarah made speeches and gave out gifts to their respective groomsmen and bridesmaids. Sarah did an excellent job. She was poised, well-spoken, and thoughtful. Paul seemed flustered and crapped his pants halfway through his first speech. Just kidding. Paul was great, and managed to embarrass me, as well. The groomsmen all got monogrammed flasks, which is great because I need more excuses to drink on the subway. Then, as we were leaving, we were also given a bottle of booze! What?! Score!

Once dinner was over, we headed back to the hotel and got drunk in the hotel bar. A lot of people’s flights had been delayed, so guests were arriving until 2am that night and everyone seemed to congregate in the bar. A couple of models who were staying in the hotel noticed me and asked if they could be my date to the wedding. I was flattered, but said no. That would just mean less shrimp cocktail for me.

Okay, that’s all for now. I’ll have part 2 and hopefully some real pictures of the wedding later this week.

Previously: Denver, As Told Through Google Images Part I and Part II

No way The Lake House is a real movie. Seriously, this is some kind of Internet hoax. The trailer for this is about the funniest unintentional thing I’ve seen in a while. All I can say about a supernatural romantic drama starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves is…wait for it…”Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?”

Watch the trailer here. Then watch it again. It’s awful. Just listen to Keanu Reeves grapple with what is happening. And the dialogue is so wooden and unnatural, I can’t believe a screenwriter put his name on it. This one is for you, James.

Also worth checking out if you like horrible movies, the IMDB Bottom 100.

So today is 6-6-06 and you know what that means. No, not the worldwide release of the remake of The Omen, starring Julia Stiles and Liev Schriber! It’s Rapture Time!!! Hooray!

Today, I’m going to be whisked away to heaven on the wings of an angel, while all of you heathens are forced to fight each other in a lake of fire! You hear me, heathens? How do I know this? Uh, perhaps because I happened to rent a little movie called Left Behind starring, oh I don’t know, KIRK CAMERON! Do you really think Kirk Cameron would lie to me about something as important as the end of the world? I don’t think Kirk Cameron is even capable of lying. Just look at those eyes of his. Boner Stabone, on the other hand, I don’t trust one bit. I mean, that guy paid an extra fifty bucks so he could get the name “Boner” on his high school diploma. That’s just bullshit. I digress.

Now, I’m no expert on the rapture, but here’s what I think will happen. At around 6:66pm today, the skies will darken. I won’t be able to see this because I will be catering at the Museum of Modern Art from 5pm until around midnight. After the skies darken, all the rivers will turn to fire. Then, from the sky will come a horrible noise as thousands of crocatrosses fill the air, swooping down and picking up the non-believers in their powerful jaws. “Oh, no!” everyone will say. “It’s dark and the rivers are on fire! Not to mention these horrible albatross-crocodile hybrid creatures! This couldn’t possibly get worse!” But it will, as batsnakes come out of nowhere and start biting the crap out of everyone. Also, there’s a good chance that dogs and cats may start living together. And that’s how the world will end. Now that’s some serious juju. I have spoken.

If you want to know more about the rapture, you can go to the website RaptureReady.com. These people are freaking nuts.

And here’s Kirk Cameron’s movie.

Wait a minute. There’s an actual animal called the “whale shark?” That’s frigging unbelievable. A whale shark seems like the kind of hypothetical animal you imagine when you’re really high. Like you and your friends are sitting around and one of you says, “What do you think the most dangerous animal hybrid would be?” And someone says “Lion bear” and that’s just retarded because their beneficial qualities would cancel each other out. And then someone says “Whale shark” and that’s a little better, but still not the most dangerous animal hybrid in the world. You want to know what is?

A “Bat snake.” Trust me, I’ve been trying to convince people for the past six years of my life that there is no hypothetical combination of two animals that is nearly as terrifying as a Batsnake. Here’s why: It would have the night vision and flying ability of a bat mixed with the guile, poison, and overall creepiness of a snake. They could hide in trees or caves or, shit, anywhere they wanted. They’re Batsnakes, for goodness sakes. They will do whatever the hell they please. And if you try to stop them, it will be the last mistake your ass will make.

I defy anyone to think of a combination of two animals that would be scarier or more deadly than a Batsnake. Bonus points if you explain your answer in detail.

And I should have some fun wedding photos and stuff to post later on this week. It was a blast.

Aquarium plays whale shark matchmaker [CNN.com]

I’m off to a wedding today. I’ll be back on Monday. Have a good weekend, everyone. Get outside, for Christ’s sake.

I’m heading to Cleveland tomorrow morning for the wedding of my good friends Paul and Sarah. And if there’s one request I get on this site more than “Write about Buffalo sports more,” it’s “What is proper wedding etiquette?” Well, I aim to please, so here are some handy tips to make your next wedding a success.

1. Don’t bring a hooker as your date. As much as you want to impress everybody by having the sexiest date at the wedding, I’ve found that hookers don’t make for the best conversationalists during dinner. Also, during the reception, for some reason they always request “The Chicken Dance.” Nobody likes the chicken dance.

2. If you’re making a toast, try to work in a quote from the movie Fletch. Man, nothing like a good Fletch reference to class up any event.

3. Don’t bring your own food and booze. Sure, you might think you’re helping the happy couple save money on the food with your bag of Wendy’s hamburgers and cooler of Keystone Light, but it ends up looking tacky.

4. Don’t ask where the make-your-own-taco bar is. Not everyone is wealthy enough to have a taco bar, complete with fixings station, at their wedding. No need to remind them of it.

5. Try to make out with anything that moves.

6. When you arrive at the wedding, slap your forehead in mock confusion and say, “Wedding?! I thought the invitation said sledding! Now what the fuck am I going to do with this toboggan?” Then smash your toboggan into pieces and run out of the building. Everyone will have a good laugh at that.

That’s all the tips I can think of right now. Hooray for weddings!