Jack Kukoda

Imagine my surprise when I saw this headline over the weekend:

Queen Elizabeth Invites 2,000 Kids to Tea

Listen up, Queen, because I’m only going to say this once: I am the king of gigantic tea parties. You hear me? You pull this shit again where you invite a couple thousand kids to your tea party and we’re going to have serious problems.

Goddamn, I’ve worked too hard over the years to let my title slip away now. You think it’s easy organizing and hosting giant tea parties for little kids? Do you? Well, it’s not. First off, you’ve got to figure out what kind of tea to buy. Then you’ve got to decide on what kind of snacks and little sandwiches you want to serve. Then, you’ve got to invite all the kids. That’s three steps. Three! And unlike the queen, I don’t have a big-ass staff of royal helpers to handle all the details for me. I do it on my own!

Wait, maybe I should explain why I throw these giant tea parties. Well, that’s simple. I love childred and I love tea. Bam. Simple enough for you? And the only thing I love more than children and tea is being known as the greatest tea party impressario in the tri-state area.

Also, when the children’s parents come to pick them up, that’s when I hit them with my Amway sales pitch! Hey, you! You, the person reading this, you ever think of buying some stuff from Amway? How about selling it? Do you know how much money you can make from home by selling this stuff? An assload, that’s how much. I’ve got some pasta sauce I can sell you by the gallon. It’s made by the company Frego, which, despite what Consumer Reports would have you believe, is far better than Prego. Or what about this nice Kolex watch? It was made in Prague by machines. Okay, how about this TV? It’s a genuine RCA!

Ooh, take that American-made electronics!

Queen Elizabeth Invites 2,000 Kids to Tea [Yahoo! News]