Jack Kukoda

Longtime readers of this site are no doubt familiar with Galoshes, my pet puma. If not, you can get up to speed by reading this. Man, Galoshes is the best. He’s like some kind of freaking super poontang magnet. If you thought a puppy was a good way to meet girls, then you should see how the ladies flock to a talking puma with a British accent.

Anyhow, the other day, Galoshes wanted to get some exercise, so I decided to take him to the park. We decided to play “Kitesbee,” which is cross between frisbee and kite-flying that I invented because I’m so goddamn whimsical. Seriously, if you want whimsy, then I’m your man. Sometimes I wear outfits that I knitted myself completely out of pony hair just for the hell of it. So yeah, I am great.

Anyway, while we were playing kitesbee, this smoking hot chick(yes, that’s exactly how I describe women) walks over and starts petting Galoshes. “Is this a cougar?” she asked. “Actually, I’m a puma,” Galoshes responded. The woman seemed a little startled that my puma could talk and she jumped back just a little. “Don’t worry,” Galoshes said. “I don’t bite…hard.” Oh, we all had a good laugh at that one. There’s nothing more appealing than a mountain cat using sexual innuendo on some woman he just met.

With Galoshes’ help, I got the woman to come back to my place. I poured us all a round of drinks while Galoshes rolled a huge joint. Ghostbusters II was on HBO so we started watching that. I thought I was at least going to make out with this girl, but I got really high and got too paranoid to make a move. So that’s how the night ended: Me, some girl, and my talking puma watching HBO, sitting on the couch, too stoned to move. Just like a fairy tale.

Previously: The H Is O, But My P Is S