Bullshit, I Say
Oooh, look at me! I’m Donald Hall, the nation’s soon-to-be-named poet laureate. I’m so great!
You know what I say, Donald Hall? Screw you! Screw you and your stupid poems and your stupid folding chair on your stupid porch! You want to know the only reason the Library of Congress chose you as poet laureate and not me? Because I’m too real. That’s right, I’m like a big bowl of reality served up with a big old side of open-your-eyes mashed potatoes. Did you like that food metaphor? Or was it too real for you? Don’t bother answering, because I already know.
Here’s how things went down: last week, the head of the Library of Congress called me into his office and asked if I would like to be the poet laureate. I put my feet up on my desk and said, “What’s in it for me?” He said that I would get to speak at events and get a fancy medal and stuff. “Fuck your medals!” I shouted at him. Then I read my latest poem. Here it is:
America,
You think you’re so big.
Whatever,
Yeah, whatever.
Bammo! I knocked Mr. Librarian straight on his ass with that one. Never before in the history of mankind has a poet spoken truth to power with such startling veracity. The truth is, I don’t need any fancy titles to tell me that my poems are awesome. I’m part of an AOL group, comprised mostly of adolescents, and we share our poetry with each other online. And you know what, they tell me that I’m awesome. That’s all the praise I need. Here’s another poem I wrote about parents.
Parents,
You think you’re the boss of me.
Guess what,
You ain’t.
Kablammaroo! I bet that one knocked you all off of your chairs. I’ll give you a few minutes to compose yourselves before I hit you up with another poem that will blow your mind. So in the meantime, let me-PSYCH! Here comes another!
Rocky Mountains,
You seem to think you’re pretty big.
Oh yeah,
The Alps would disagree.
Kazzammazzamaroo! You see how I stuck it to those snooty Rocky Mountains? I know you did.
Related: I Got Freaking Jobbed
Outspoken New Englander Is New Poet Laureate [NYTimes]
