Jack Kukoda

Uh…Seriously. Anyone out there looking to purchase a dolphin? Maybe for your lab or as a birthday present for your niece or something? I bet your niece would like this dolphin. Dolphins are like ponies of the sea. Really, I need to get this dolphin off my hands real quick. The authorities will be looking for me soon and he is splashing water all over my bathroom. I’ve got him in the tub now, but he barely fits and I think he’s getting mad. So, you know, make me an offer on this dolphin. I will consider any price. No offer is too low.

Now, on an unrelated note, let me give you folks a piece of advice. If your friend calls you late at night and asks you to come drinking, make sure you know ahead of time where you will be drinking. Because you just might end up at the aquarium, doing shots of Kahlua until he dares you to steal a dolphin. And it will seem like a hilariously good idea at the time, but then you’ll wake up the next morning with a VERY angry dolphin flopping about in your bathtub. And then you’ll spend the next 3 hours piecing together the events of last night, trying to figure out why in the hell a furious dolphin is eating your shower curtain and making those horrific screeching noises.

Also, if you’re drunk at the aquarium, do not-DO NOT- under any circumstances, try to fight an octopus. They are well versed in many fighting styles, apparently. And those suction cups on their arms hurt.

And finally, don’t feed a burrito to a shark. Seriously, I know it might seem funny at the time. But if you thought that alka-seltzer and pigeons was a bad combination, you don’t even want to know what a gas-station burrito will do to a small hammerhead shark.

Good God, my head hurts. And don’t forget, make me an offer on this dolphin.