Jack Kukoda

You heard me. I’ve been going to the gym on a regular basis for the past eight weeks, and it’s time to show off the goods. So if any of you readers think you’re man enough, I’m extending an invitation to a posedown at my apartment this Thursday. “What’s a posedown?” You may be asking. Well, if you have to ask, then don’t bother showing up, but I’ll tell you anyway. Essentially, a posedown is when a group of guys get together, take off their shirts, and then strike various bodybuilder poses in front of a mirror until a winner is declared by majority decision. Sometimes they oil up or apply bronzer to make their muscles stand out. In no way at all is this gay.

Now, I want to make sure the Kukoda Posedown Invitational ‘06 is as fair as possible, so I’m laying down a few ground rules.

1. No grabbing. You hear me? I’ve been to a lot of posedowns that have been ruined because some guy couldn’t control himself and got all handsy. Granted, these posedowns were held in men’s bathhouses, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. A posedown is a sacred tradition handed down to us from the Greeks or the Romans or some people like that. Don’t cheapen it.

2. Trash talking is encouraged. What would a posedown be without a little gamesmanship? Pretty boring.

3. No throwing sand into your opponents’ eyes. Okay, this really applies more to underground kickboxing matches, but it’s a good rule, nonetheless.

4. Unlike Fight Club, please, talk about the posedown as much as possible. Reference it in conversations at work, in your home, wherever you please. Let’s get the word out on this new sport of kings.

5. I have a bunch of model girlfriends. I know this isn’t really a rule, but, for some reason, whenever I talk about how me and a bunch of guys like to strip down, oil up, and then pose in front of mirrors, people assume we’re gay. But we’re not. Ask my model girlfriends as soon as they get back from their various international modeling assignments. I’m all man.

So if you think you’ve got what it takes, I’ll see you at my apartment this Thursday at noon. And bring your own bottle of “Muscle Sheen” brand tanning lotion. I’m not lending you any of mine. That shit is expensive.

Previously: I’ve Got To Get Back In The Gym