The Day Is At Hand
So today is 6-6-06 and you know what that means. No, not the worldwide release of the remake of The Omen, starring Julia Stiles and Liev Schriber! It’s Rapture Time!!! Hooray!
Today, I’m going to be whisked away to heaven on the wings of an angel, while all of you heathens are forced to fight each other in a lake of fire! You hear me, heathens? How do I know this? Uh, perhaps because I happened to rent a little movie called Left Behind starring, oh I don’t know, KIRK CAMERON! Do you really think Kirk Cameron would lie to me about something as important as the end of the world? I don’t think Kirk Cameron is even capable of lying. Just look at those eyes of his. Boner Stabone, on the other hand, I don’t trust one bit. I mean, that guy paid an extra fifty bucks so he could get the name “Boner” on his high school diploma. That’s just bullshit. I digress.
Now, I’m no expert on the rapture, but here’s what I think will happen. At around 6:66pm today, the skies will darken. I won’t be able to see this because I will be catering at the Museum of Modern Art from 5pm until around midnight. After the skies darken, all the rivers will turn to fire. Then, from the sky will come a horrible noise as thousands of crocatrosses fill the air, swooping down and picking up the non-believers in their powerful jaws. “Oh, no!” everyone will say. “It’s dark and the rivers are on fire! Not to mention these horrible albatross-crocodile hybrid creatures! This couldn’t possibly get worse!” But it will, as batsnakes come out of nowhere and start biting the crap out of everyone. Also, there’s a good chance that dogs and cats may start living together. And that’s how the world will end. Now that’s some serious juju. I have spoken.
If you want to know more about the rapture, you can go to the website RaptureReady.com. These people are freaking nuts.
And here’s Kirk Cameron’s movie.
