Jack Kukoda

Comment by james

June 5, 2006 @ 12:43 pm

Crocodile-Albatross

A flying croc? You betcha. The croc may not be as creepy as some snakes, but they are much more terrifying. And I think the deaths brought on by a crocodile-albatross would be much more unpleasant than those brought on by a batsnake, which only adds to its case. I chose albatross because you would probably need some pretty big wings for a croc to fly, I mean we’re trying to be realistic here. And albatross have been known to have wingspans of up to 12 ft., the largest of any bird. I feel snakes is a little too broad. A flying anaconda would w/o question be a nightmare, but there are many other species that are really not scary at all. Shit, many people own them as pets. Crocs on the other hand, they are frightening no matter what phyla, species, or genus you are talking about.

Suggested Nicknames:

Crocatross
Albacroc
Albadile
Big Trossy
Pteredacodile (due to its resemblance to the prehistoric beast)
Dile 911

Comment by Jack

June 5, 2006 @ 1:02 pm

James,

There’s no denying the brilliance of a crocatross. The names, particularly “Dile 911″ made me laugh out loud. Still, I’m not sure if an crocodile-albatross would be worse than a batsnake.

Here’s why: Crocatrosses(I’llbe referring to them as such from now on) would be huge creatures. I’m guessing they would be confined to mountain caverns or perhaps salt-water inlets. Maybe nests. I don’t really know. I do know that you would be able to see a crocatross from a mile away. And while the sound of a roaring crocodile combined with the flapping of a 12 foot wingspan would no doubt be terrifying, it would give you ample time to find cover or run away. Batsnakes have the element of suprise. They can hide just about anywhere they want. Plus, don’t forget they can see in the dark thanks to their sonar. A crocatross would be confined to hunting during the day. If batsnakes were around, your life would be in danger literally every second of the day. How could you go leave your house with the knowledge that a poisonaous batsnake could be hanging upside down from your gutter waiting to bite you on the neck or, like an anaconda, choke the life out of you? No way would you go outside know that might happen to you.

Still, a crocatross is certainly the best hybrid I’ve heard of in a long time. I look forward to debating its merits with you some more.

Batsnakes on a Plane,
Jack

Comment by james

June 5, 2006 @ 2:33 pm

I think you are forgetting that crocodiles are ambush hunters. They will hide in trees or water simply waiting for its prey to get close. Boating, rafting fishing, parasailing, they would be things of the past. Because any moment a crocatross could jump out of the water an devour you in mere seconds. In case you forgot, crocs can see at night which would obviously be a trait adopted by the crocatross. So don’t go thinking your precious batsnakes own that trait. And did you know that a crocodile, hence a crocatross as well, bite generates 3000 pounds of pressure per square inch, which is roughly 30 times that of a large dog? That is a strong bite, my friend. Imagine the sheer horror of feeling a bite that strong and being wisked away through the air instantaneously.

Lastly, have you read Coleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”? You would be completely wrong if you thought the mythical characteristics of the albatross would not be transferring over to the crocatross. Feel free to poach the crocatross at your own risk. You may make a buck or two selling handbags from the croc skin or whatever it is you would make from albatross plumage in the slim chance you find success. But a lifetime of bad luck and misery will surely follow.

Comment by Derek

June 5, 2006 @ 6:47 pm

Ummmm…..Sharkopatumus. Do I really need an explanation here? You do the math.

Comment by Jack

June 5, 2006 @ 7:23 pm

James,

Again, I applaud your commitment to the crocatross, as well as the research you have clearly undertaken. Still, I find the crocatross to be lacking. For one, while albatrosses have huge wing spans, they are gliding birds. Which means they are dependent on strong wind currents to carry them through the air. In order for many species of albatross to take off, they have to wait on the surface of the ocean for sufficient wind or waves to get them in the air. Certainly this trait would carry over to the crocatross. And a crocodile-albatross hybrid sitting languidly in a pond, waiting in vain for a gust of wind so that it can find prey does not inspire terror in me. In fact, I find it kind of sad.

Furthermore, if you want to get into mythology, there are few animals that have more mythic connotations than the bat and the snake. Just off the top of my head we’ve got: the serpent in the story of Adam and Eve(the devil,) Batman, Batwoman, Batgirl, etc. Furthermore, look at how many scary movies have been made about bats and/or snakes. There’s the Lou Diamond Phillips thriller “Bats,” “Anaconda 1 and 2,” “Snakes on a Plane,” the “Batman” franchise, and “Dracula” to name a few. Compare that to the number of movies about Crocodiles or Albatrosses. I count one: “Lake Placid,” starring Betty White.

As far as the sharkopatumus is concerned, I would need more details before I can sufficiently address that one. Although, I don’t think either animals’ traits would compliment each other all that well. I think that all you would get is a slightly fatter shark that can kind of run around on land. Terrifying? Yes. More deadly than a batsnake? Doubtful. Prove me wrong, Derek. Prove me wrong.

Any other animal suggestions are still welcome.

Comment by Anonymous

June 6, 2006 @ 10:33 am

yeah, I won’t lie, the biggest upside of the sharkopatomus for me was the name itself. Newspaper headlines could read…..”Sharkopatomus wreaks havoc local town”

Comment by Ben

June 6, 2006 @ 11:53 am

The sharkopatomus does sound pretty scary. I’ve read from several sources that the Hippo kills more humans than any species in the world (except the mosquito) and the terror that the average shark inspires is well documented. I mean, sharks are as old as dinosaurs, they’re the perfect killing machines. They basically swim around all day thinking, “Fuck. If only I had some legs and the ability to breath above water, I’d be unstoppable.”

If there were sharkopatomi out there, I think the idea of going to the beach would be a thing of the past, as would going anywhere without a huge fuckin’ gun and some grenades. I think these guys would actually be more ‘terrifying’ than the batsnake. I mean, the idea of being trampled to death and devoured alive by a giant sharkopatomus is just more scary than the idea of being bitten by a bat snake and dying from the poison a few minutes later. Even the ‘constrictor’ batsnakes like the AnacondaBatSnake (which, I’m just not sure is even feasible) scare me less than pretty much any type of shark related death.

I do like the stealthy aspects of the batsnake, but that’s really the biggest upside the batsnake has. It is not straight terrifying. I would be scared to go outside at night, and I think I’d pretty much always have to carry some sort of swatting instrument (like a big tennis racket or something), and I’d have to carry the anti-venom for all the local species of batsnake. It would be like, “Oww. Fuck. Another batsnake bite. Those crafty motherfuckers are always biting me. Well, better eat this handy anti-venom” (which, in a world where Batsnakes existed would be commonplace, of course).

This sneakiness doesn’t make the batsnake more scary, than say, the MosquitoBlackWidow, though. Basically, this is a super sneaky/crafty mosquito that has Black Widow poison inside it, instead of just maleria, the flu, etc. I’ve never been bitten by a bat or a snake, because these animals are afraid of humans in reality. The mosquito is clearly not afraid of us. I’ve been bitten a zillion times. Thankfully, this was not by a MosquitoBlackWidow (got any interesting names for this guy? all the ones I came up with suck, which, admittedly, is a knock on the MosquitoBlackWidow)or I’d be dead, as would all of you. I’m not even putting the MosquitoBlackWidow out there as ‘the most terrifying/deadly’, just saying that it might be more deadly than the batsnake.

A good way to determine if an animal is really deadly is to ask yourself, “Could this animal really kill Steve Irwin”. I think a sharkopotomus could, but I think the batsnake would be a joke to him, and considering that he’s handled and been bitten by some of the worlds deadliest snakes and survived, I’ve got to question how deadly the batsnake could really be. Imagine the Croc Hunter ‘handling’ a sharkopotomus. Instant death.

I think we may have a winner.

Comment by Terry

June 6, 2006 @ 11:09 pm

James and Jack - the “Dile 911″ comment made me laugh so hard that my roommates came in to check on me. Congrats.

Comment by Lionbeartude

June 7, 2006 @ 12:43 am

My entry is the Dobercon. That’s right half Doberman half Falcon, a domestic terror.

Sure Batsnakes would be scary but easily avoidable. I should be relatively safe as long as I stay out of places where bats and snakes are usually seen, such as caves, jungles, tattoo parlors, campsites, etc. Same goes for the crocatross, as long as I stay in Western hemisphere and away from doomed ships I am golden.
I’m not even going to comment on the Sharkopatumus , because we all know it would not be fast enough catch enough prey to support it’s massive size. It would be extinct within a year. As far as made up animal hybrids go, strictly amateur hour. C’mon.

On top of the obvious flying and mauling capabilities, the dobercon would have all the heightened senses of the dog and the hawk. It would have super sight, super hearing, super scent, and I suspect super taste. That’s right I said super.

However, what makes the dobercon the most scary is it’s domestication. Sure bats and snakes are creepy but when encountered they usually just want to go their own way. Given that I live in civilization, what I am more scared of the crazy ass hillbilly who keeps and trains german winged canine killing machines. If this asshole thinks you wronged him, all he has to do is steal your scarf or favorite baseball cap which undoubtedly reeks of Tag body spray. Once he gives them your scent, his pack of dobercons would use their super senses and falcon tracking abilities to find and kill you on command.

You don’t even want to add rabies into this mix.

I also like the Bullilla, which is basically a Bull with gorilla hands instead of hooves, plus it’s always real pissed.

Comment by Jack

June 7, 2006 @ 1:36 am

First off, I appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm when it comes to the animal hybrids. Secondly, I’m going to address these new animals in the order they were suggested.

As far as the sharkopotamus is concerned, I agree with “Lionbeartude” when he says it is too heavy to support its own weight. An animal that heavy couldn’t possibly run very fast. Its only option would be to catch animals in the ocean, assuming it can swim like a shark. And if that’s all it can do, then it’s pretty much just a shark with a big hippo face. Not all that terrible.

And Ben, when you say that you wouldn’t fear batsnakes because of their relatively small size and the availability of anti-venom potions, you’re forgetting one thing: batsnakes would not attack one at a time. They come at you in swarms. Ever see a movie where someone walks into a cave and then suddenly hundreds of bats swarm them? Imagine if those bats had snake teeth. I dare you to come up with a scenario scarier than being enveloped by hundreds of batsnakes. Batsnakes biting you, wrapping themselves around your neck, smacking you in the face with their tails, wriggling into your clothing. You wouldn’t have time to swat them with a tennis racket or reach for your precious anti-venom. The last thing you would do before you died is shit your pants in sheer terror.

Also, I’ve never seen Steve Irwin handle a snake or a bat. And even if he could handle one or the other, who’s to say he could successfully do battle with a batsnake? I say he would be torn to shreds by batsnakes as soon as he looked at them. Furthermore, mosquitoes and spiders are insects. This is a serious discussion about animal hybrids. If you want to discuss insect hybrids, why don’t you go to some freaking dork lab where entomologists hang out and talk about fruit flies.

“Lionbeartude,” if that is your real name, I’ll get to you tomorrow when I’ve had a chance to fully digest this dobercon. It intrigues me.

The notion of a bullilla, on the other hand, is borderline retarded.

Comment by Ben

June 7, 2006 @ 2:32 am

Good points, but I think it’s important to note that hippos can run about 18 miles an hour, which is faster than Jack and way faster than James. And that’s BEFORE it lost all that weight becoming half shark. Also, the Sharkopotomus doesn’t smoke. Hmmm.

Also, if this is a ’serious’ discussion about animal hybrids, I think it’s important to say that there is no way that the wings on the albatross could ever support the weight of a an even mildly scary croc. The wings on a falcon couldn’t support anything but a baby doberman, and the wings on a bat would have a pretty tough time with any snake larger than 2 or 3 feet. Ooooo, I’m shaking in my shorts.

Sharkapotomus could find all the food it needs preying on Steve Irwin and those that are foolish enough to think that things like bullila and crocatross are feasible.

Terry, no more worrying your roomies. I think we need to hear your suggestion. I know there’s a great animal combo brewing in that head of yours…

Comment by Jack

June 7, 2006 @ 12:59 pm

I’m going to try to keep this about the hybrids, so unlike Ben, I won’t be engaging in personal attacks. Except to say Ben drinks his own pee. That’s it, though.

I’ll address the Dobercon first. I don’t think a falcon’s wings could feasibly support anything but a toy doberman. The largest falcon, known as the Gyrfalcon, has a wingspan of just over 4 feet, but weighs less than five pounds. For a doberman to be truly scary, I’m thinking it would have to weigh a minimum of 25 pounds. That’s minimum. No way a falcon’s wings could support that.

If a good sized doberman had a pair of falcon wings sprouting from its back, sure, it would look cool, but there’s no way it could get off the ground. It probably would have a falcon’s heightened vision, but that’s about all it would get. So it would still just be a doberman, albeit with excellent eyesight.

Back to the sharkopotamus. I think the sharkopotamus, aside from the batsnake, is the best example so far. Hippos are pretty terrifying if they are mad at you, but, according to numerous sources, hippos pretty much like to keep to themselves. They only attack if their territory is threatend. Also, they’re not even carnivores. They sit around all day eating vegetation. And yes, Ben, they can run 18 miles an hour, but only for a few hundred yards. It’s not like they’ll be zooming all over the place. Furthermore, hippos are extremely susceptible to sunburn, which is why they like to stay submerged in murky water. So if you can get a hippo out of the water for more than an hour or so, it will bake in the sun like a lobster. Now who’s shaking in their shoes?

So yes, the sharkopotamus would no doubt be a formidable foe in the water. But sharks already are. Now, a Lionshark is something to be afraid of. Or perhaps a Sharkbear. But now we’re just getting ridiculous.

Comment by Matt

June 7, 2006 @ 2:32 pm

I agree that Bat-Snakes are a tough threat and all but they really wouldn’t pose a threat to Iron-Man.

Comment by Ben

June 7, 2006 @ 6:03 pm

Iron isn’t part of the animal kingdom, jackass.

Comment by Jack

June 7, 2006 @ 11:21 pm

Ben, there’s no need to get all snippy with your fellow commenters just because you eat your own pubes. Let’s keep it about the animals.

Comment by Ben

June 8, 2006 @ 2:16 am

Isn’t a jackass an animal?

Comment by Matt

June 8, 2006 @ 9:38 am

Alls I was saying was that Iron-Man’s armor would protect him against batsnakes. Sheesh.

Comment by gonzo

June 8, 2006 @ 11:55 pm

Boys…sorry to interject, but how about considering the “Piss-Pion”. It’s a novel cross between a scorpion and those Amazon catfish that swim into your urethra and lodge themselves inside while you swim/bathe. Scorpions are sneaky little shits…anyone who’s lived in the desert can tell you about “checking your sheets” before bed…now imagine waking up with a dick full of irritated Piss-pions laying eggs!

Comment by gonzo

June 9, 2006 @ 9:22 am

I am not bullshitting here…be very, very afraid. http://www.wemjournal.org/wmsonline/?request=get-abstract&issn=0953-9859&volume=002&issue=04&page=0304

Imagine…a piss-pion hiding in the shadows behind your toilet, waiting for you to whip it out…one deft leap and ZOOOOOOOOOOM…a venemous Santa eating it’s way down your chimney while stinging you with a venomous tail out of sheer spite. Only potential upside…”gotta suck out the poison” trick would be a hit in bars across America for about a week.

Comment by Ryan

June 21, 2006 @ 1:12 pm

My friend, Tom, (http://underscorebleach.net/jotsheet/) introduced me to this site.

http://www.lairweb.org.nz/tiger/conflict.html

It’s possibly the second greatest site of all time. Unfortunately they don’t do invented animal conflicts (yet).

Comment by Shark Byte

April 20, 2007 @ 11:58 pm

Ah, at least *someone* noticed my batsnake…

Comment by Doberman

April 4, 2008 @ 7:10 am

i like the idea of Doberman because they are the worst, but I’d couple it with something like elephant or a camel, if you want to escape a Doberman you can just climb a tree, but coupled with an elephant or camel they could just knock the tree down, or even better, spit at you. If a camel was spitting at me in a tree id rather die to be honest. These posts aren’t good when your drunk….but anyway.

DoberPhant?
Camberman?
or my fav a Eleberman?