Jack Kukoda

I’m heading to Cleveland tomorrow morning for the wedding of my good friends Paul and Sarah. And if there’s one request I get on this site more than “Write about Buffalo sports more,” it’s “What is proper wedding etiquette?” Well, I aim to please, so here are some handy tips to make your next wedding a success.

1. Don’t bring a hooker as your date. As much as you want to impress everybody by having the sexiest date at the wedding, I’ve found that hookers don’t make for the best conversationalists during dinner. Also, during the reception, for some reason they always request “The Chicken Dance.” Nobody likes the chicken dance.

2. If you’re making a toast, try to work in a quote from the movie Fletch. Man, nothing like a good Fletch reference to class up any event.

3. Don’t bring your own food and booze. Sure, you might think you’re helping the happy couple save money on the food with your bag of Wendy’s hamburgers and cooler of Keystone Light, but it ends up looking tacky.

4. Don’t ask where the make-your-own-taco bar is. Not everyone is wealthy enough to have a taco bar, complete with fixings station, at their wedding. No need to remind them of it.

5. Try to make out with anything that moves.

6. When you arrive at the wedding, slap your forehead in mock confusion and say, “Wedding?! I thought the invitation said sledding! Now what the fuck am I going to do with this toboggan?” Then smash your toboggan into pieces and run out of the building. Everyone will have a good laugh at that.

That’s all the tips I can think of right now. Hooray for weddings!