Jack Kukoda

You know what my favorite thing about long weekends is? It gives me an extra day to defend my title as “King of the Jersey Shore.” And this past weekend was no different. I got down to the shore of Friday afternoon. I was so excited that I rode the whole way down with no shirt on. All the other people on Jersey Transit were kind of looking at me funny. Then I just flexed my guns and said, “Bow down to your king.” And bow they did.

Friday night I went to Radicalz, which is only the greatest Jersey Shore bar in the world. I drank about 20 Zimas and then punched some guy in the face because he breathed near my girlfriend. Then I got some pizza. While I was eating my pizza, some guy walked near me, so I punched him in the face. Everyone thought it was awesome.

Saturday morning I woke up early and got another tribal tattoo. That brings my tribal tattoo total up to a dozen. I’m in an unofficial competition with Nick Lachey to see who can get the most tribal tattoos. This new one I got is of dragons. It looks mad dope. Speaking of which, Saturday night I went to Mad Dope, which is another awesome Jersey Shore bar located in Sea Girt, NJ. Sea Girt is an okay town, but it’s not very tough. I beat up the mayor of Sea Girt and half the town council because I didn’t like the way they looked at me.

Sunday, I stayed inside for most of the day and ate Zima popsicles. That’s frozen Zima. Duh. They are delicious. I ordered some subs from a local deli, and when the delivery guy came, I punched him in the face because I didn’t like how he rang the doorbell. Sunday night, I went to the Boat Shack, which is yet another awesome bar on the Jersey Shore. There was a Bruce Springsteen cover band there and I punched them all in the face because they wouldn’t play “Badlands,” even though I kept yelling at them.

It was a pretty ass-kicking weekend. Man, I love the summer.