Jack Kukoda

Hey. Ha ha. Here’s a totally-and I mean totally-hypothetical question. Let’s just say there is this guy, we’ll call him, I don’t know, Zack Stakoda. Yeah, that’s a good and completely fake name that has no resemblance to any real person. Let’s say Zack Stakoda, due to some misunderstandings and a completely unfair justice system, is required by law to tell all of his neighbors that he is a registered sex offender. Okay, we’re talking hypothetical still. All right? Totally not true.

How should Zack go about doing this? Should he just knock on his neighbors’ doors and tell them straight up? Or maybe start with a little small talk first, then get into the whole “registered sex offender status?” Just curious, is all. Should Zack maybe bring his neighbors some homemade cookies to soften the blow? Or maybe explain that his “sex offender” status refers to the fact that he accidentally fell asleep in a park while reading an admittedly hardcore pornographic magazine, and when he woke up, was surrounded by a pre-school class on a field trip? And Zack wasn’t trying to give the kids pornography, he just likes to read his porn in the park is all. And so what if he fell asleep while doing it? Did you ever think that maybe he was up all night huffing paint thinner behind a Home Depot and just wanted to relax in the park with some porno? Who are you to judge?! I thought this was America, but, apparently, I was wrong! I guess I was wrong to think this was a free country where a man could get a cheap high from household cleaning solutions, then cap off a long night by reading the latest copy of Juggs in a city park! Welcome to Communist China, I guess!

I mean, hypothetically, how should Zack go about telling his neighbors about the whole thing? Oh, and his parents. Good God, how in the world is Zack going to tell them? Feel free to leave any answers to this entirely HYPOTHETICAL question I’ve posed.