Jack Kukoda

According to the New York Times, it’s Toni Morrison’s Beloved. But if you ask anyone that doesn’t have their head crammed up their nerd asses, they’ll tell you it’s my novel of eroticism and adventure, “The Whaling Boat.” If you have never read “The Whaling Boat,” first of all, you’re a moron. Secondly, go out to Barnes & Noble and buy a copy of it right now because it’s the greatest work of fiction you’re likely to ever come across.

I’ll never forget when “The Whaling Boat” was released back in the late 1990’s to a great deal of controversy, just because my book proposed the idea that, not only did Jesus father a child with Mary Magdalene, but that Jesus survived to this day and is working as a captain on a rickety whaling boat in the South China Sea. And now, instead of apostles, Jesus has whaling pals, and instead of preaching a message of love, forgiveness, and redemption, Jesus spends all of his time trying to kill whales. It’s a crackerjack, all right!

My critics called me “blasphemous,” “ignorant,” and “a terrible writer,” but I never listened to them. I was confident that people would buy my book, despite what some egghead book critic thought of it. I was wrong. Nobody bought my book. But it wasn’t my fault.

The real reason my book didn’t sell very well is because my story dug too close to the truth of Jesus’ true nature, and the Church launched a worldwide conspiracy to thwart the sales of my book. But I’m not going to let that happen again. I’m in talks with MovieTime Movie Studios, who want to turn my book into a film. MovieTime usually produces anti-sexual discrimination training videos for corporations, but they’re looking to get into the feature film game, and want to start with “The Whaling Boat.”

So look for that movie coming soon. And look to the seas. For there you’ll find the Son of Man, throwing harpoons at whales, and possibly drinking rum.

What Is the Best Work of American Fiction of the Last 25 Years? [NYTimes.com]
I Got Freaking Jobbed [Kukoda.com]