Moonlighting
A lot of people don’t know this about me, but, in addition to be an awesomely famous comedian and all-around playboy, I also moonlight as a limo driver. That’s right, whenever I need some extra scratch I do some driving for Touch of Class Limousine Service. And since this is prom season, I’m making money like a limo driver on prom night. Wink, wink.
Unlike a lot of my fellow part-time limo drivers, I take my job serious as shit. Before I go out to pick promgoers up, I limit myself to a maximum of five beers and two cocktails. That may seem overly ascetic, but that’s how I do things. It’s okay to have a pretty good buzz going while you’re driving high school kids around, but full-blown drunkenness is a violation of the limo driver-limo passenger pact. And that pact is sacred.
Once I drop those kids off at the prom, the real fun begins. For me! As soon as they’re out of my ‘mo (that’s limo driver slang for limo) I open up a bottle of Old Granddad and head over to the mall. If there’s anything that impresses a lady more than a guy doing donuts in a limo out in the parking lot, all the while chugging a bottle of eight dollar bourbon, I’ve yet to find it.
Once I’ve had my way with a lady of the mall, I head back and pick those kids up. By this point, I’m pretty blitzed, so I usually just drop them off at the nearest Denny’s. Sometimes they argue with me and say stuff like, “Why are we going to Denny’s? You’re supposed to take us to our friend’s beach house.” Or things like, “Oh my god, the limo driver is drunk! And I think he just shit on himself. I’ve got to call my dad!”
One time some kids I was driving called the cops on me while they were still in the back. I wasn’t about to go back to jail, so I just slowed the limo down and jumped out. Don’t worry, the kids weren’t hurt. The car that hit them was only going about 20 miles an hour at most so there weren’t any serious injuries. Although, I did hear that two of them had to wear those giant neck braces to graduation. Those things are funny.
Ah, kids these days.
