Jack Kukoda

Hey there, readers. I hope you all remembered to call your moms yesterday and send flowers and cards. But if you didn’t, don’t worry because there is still time! Actually, there isn’t still time. Mother’s Day was yesterday, but if you get your mom a gift this week she’ll still be happy. Really, it doesn’t take much to impress moms. After all, this is the lady who wiped your ass for the first few years of your life. The fact that you can now do that on you own should be enough to make her happy. On to the gifts:

Nachos

Nothing says “thank you for the gift of life” than the gift of chips and cheese. You should probably only give this to your mom if you live in the same city as her and can deliver it yourself. I’ve sent nachos through the mail before and it’s not pretty when they get there. Even though I wrote on the envelope “Nachos Inside: Do Not Bend,” the Post Office still managed to screw it up.

A Trip to Space Camp

Even if your mom is 60 years-old and has doesn’t even like driving over high bridges, she’ll love the feeling of being whipped around in a g-force simulator. Warning: Buying this for your mother increases exponentially the likelihood that someone will insult you by saying, “Your momma’s an astronaut.” You’ve been warned.

Some Homemade Arts and Crafts Bullshit

It’s almost tragic how moms fall for this sort of thing. Just get yourself some popsicle sticks, Elmer’s glue, and cottonballs, and slap it all together on a paper plate. Hell, throw a pipe cleaner or two in there if you want to get really nuts. Call it a hat, call it a winter landscape, call it whatever you want. Your mom will love it.

As for what I got my mom for Mother’s Day, I bought her a trip in a hot air balloon while George Clooney fed her grapes and told her what a super lady she is. But that’s just because my mom is the best. Much, much better than your moms. I even made her a certificate that says so.