Jack Kukoda

The remake of the 1972 disaster movie The Poseidon Adventure, cleverly renamed just Poseidon, opens today, but I won’t be going. Why? Because I lived that shit already. No need to see the Hollywood version when the experience is burned into my memory.

If you don’t know, Poseidon is about a cruise ship that capsizes in the ocean, and the survivors have to escape from the overturned ship before it sinks. The same thing happened to me a few years back. Except the boat didn’t sink. Or capsize for that matter. But the water was pretty choppy one day! Anyway, here’s what happened.

I got a job on a Carnival Cruise ship as the “dance captain.” My duties were similar to those of a those “party-starters,” who convince awkward 13 year-olds to dance at Bar Mitzvahs. The only difference is that my job was to encourage old people to dance. If there’s one thing I learned about old people, it’s this: they do not enjoy dancing. Another thing I learned is that if there’s one thing they enjoy less than dancing, it’s being coerced to dance by a sweaty, drunken college student in bright red suspenders.

“Hey now,” I would shout at them with eyes half-closed, “I think this couple wants to get down to some KC and the Sunshine Band.” “No, we do not,” they would inform me. But I was undeterrable. “Oh, but I think you do. And the dance captain knows all. Get on up here, sir. Show everybody why you’re the Greatest Generation!” “Ow, my leg!” an old man yelled. “You’ve hurt my leg.” “Well, that’s nothing that a little dancing can’t fix!” I said. “Am I right folks? Come on, everybody shake it.” Then I ran away.

It turned out that that old man had, in fact, dislocated both of his knees while I was forcibly shaking him in an attempt to make him do the twist. Oops. I was fired from my job and forced off the boat while they were docked at a remote port. Then I met some really nice pirates and joined up with them. Contrary to popular belief, pirates are quite friendly. And, as luck would have it, they love dancing! Oh, the times we had! Drinking rum, dancing, harpooning things. It felt like those days would never end.

But end they did. And now I’m here. And aren’t we all better off because of it? Yes. Yes, we are.