Jack Kukoda

Sweet news, everybody. I just got a job at the Sears Portrait Studio! I’ll be working as the photographer at the Sears in the Short Hills, NJ mall. Oh, man, I am psyched. I’ve always been a bit of a photog, but now I’ll be getting paid to do what I love: take pictures of awkward families.

You probably think that being an official Sears portrait photographer is all glitz and glamour, but it’s not. While there is plenty of “G & G” to go around, the job also involves a lot of hard work. I have to paint all of those sweet backdrops by hand. You think a laser backdrop paints itself? Well, you thought wrong.

Anyway, I’ll be offering a 10 percent discount on our Super Package to anyone who reads this website. The Super Package includes two 8×10’s, four 5×7’s, a dozen wallet-size photos, and a giant poster. Here’s a sample of some of my work:

“The Multi-Ethnic Special”

This one is also known as “The Grab Bag,” but according to the liberal media, that’s not a very politically correct term for a mixed-race family. Anyway, if you’ve got a family like this, I can take your picture and make you look real classy.

“The Baby-Toucher”

Would you like to look like a child molester in all your black and white glory? I can make it happen.

“Opposite Day”

See how this woman is hitting her man? That’s why I call this one opposite day, because it’s the exact opposite of what happens in real life. Would you like to show the lighter side of domestic violence? Then come on down to the Short Hills Sears and let me make your dreams a reality.

I will also accept bearclaws and donuts in lieu of money. I’m starving!!!!!!