Sportsmanship!
Guess who’s coaching a Little League team this summer! Give up? It’s me! I just got hired as the head coach of the Brooklyn Bearcats, a lovable bunch of sluggers in the 10 year old division. And I’m going to coach the shit out of them!
A lot of parents and child psychologists will tell you that, for kids at this age, sports should be about fun and sportsmanship, rather than competition. Those people are queers. I don’t care if it’s the World-freaking-Series, or a t-ball game for toddlers, your objective is to win. It’s like my dad always said, “If you don’t win today, don’t bother coming home, ’cause you’ll be in the doghouse, buster.” And my dad meant it, too. Literally. When I was a kid, if my team lost, I had to sleep outside in the makeshift lean-to my father had built for the dog. It was quite uncomfortable, but it taught me an important lesson: Don’t cross my dad. He’s freaking nuts.
Anyway, this isn’t about me. It’s about the Bearcats. Last week, when I was having the kids push my car up a hill during practice to teach them a lesson about bunting, one of their parents ran over and asked me what the hell I was doing. “Making your son into a man,” I said. “How are you doing that?” the parent inquired. “Listen,” I said, “I’m the coach here, okay? I don’t come down to where you work and light your office on fire, do I?” “No,” the parent replied, confused. “Then get off my back,” I said. “Or I swear to God I’ll come over to your office and light it on fire.” That shut him up.
So if you want to support the team, we’ve got our first game next week against the Staten Island Yankees. Come on out and support us. In fact, we could probably put you on the field, since all but two parents have yanked their kids off the team and filed grievances against me with the league. Go Bearcats!
