Bullshit, I Say
Well, the NFL Draft concluded yesterday and for the umpteenth straight year, I was not selected by any of the NFL’s 32 teams. Apparently, the various GM’s were not impressed by the fact that I intercepted THREE passes in one game against Cardinal O’Hara High School my Junior year, despite the numerous letters I sent them explaining the game in excruciating detail.
I also had my mother send in a video testimonial describing what a nice young man I am. Uh, I don’t know how tiny your heart has to be not to be moved by a retired high school teacher talking about what a talented young man her son is, and, frankly, I don’t want to know.
So you don’t want me, NFL, is that it? You know what I say to that? Screw you, NFL! I’m starting my own football league. You heard me, the Kukoda Football League(KFL) will begin play this summer and it’s going to be awesome. And unlike the erstwhile XFL, my league will live forever. Forever, I say!
Here’s what will be different about my league:
1. The footballs will be slightly smaller because my hands are kind of dainty and the real ones are hard for me to grip.
2. All the teams will be named after the various girls who have rejected me since high school. And their mascots will be venereal diseases. That’ll teach ‘em.
3. Not only will golden retrievers be allowed to play, they will be actively encouraged to do so.
4. Again, unlike the XFL, I will be the only player allowed to have my nickname, rather than my last name, on the back of my jersey. That nickname will be “Handsome Strongguy.”
5. Everyone will be required to refer to me as “Handsome Strongguy.” Failure to do so will result in their immediate suspension.
6. Also, anyone referring to how the footballs are slightly smaller than regulation ones because of my dainty hands will immediately be suspended.
That’s all the rules I can think of now. Honestly, this was a lot of work just to make that one lame “Air Bud” joke. I hate myself
